


ride or die

by jenlvbug



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chaptered, Character Death, Developing Relationship, Drinking, Drug Use, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Smut, Guns, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Thriller, Underage Sex, boyfriends finding clues, happy ending kinda, not for the main characters tho, rich families, wealthy families
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-26 10:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 57,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30104373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenlvbug/pseuds/jenlvbug
Summary: Jaemin’s eyes are watery, folding on himself and taking some noisy breaths, chapped lips tasting salt as he starts crying.Someone might think the boy is mourning the loss of a friend, which is true, he cared about Jisung. The real, disturbing reason rests right in that hug between the young girl and the now gone boy’s father.Where everything started. Jaemin tries to think where things took such a wrong turn, a part of him conscious everything was unrecoverable from the very get go.or where jaemin and jeno accidentally witness and live a dreadful experience the moment they find something they shouldn't. ride or die (for a dreadful paper).
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. where it all started

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> i have a lot of things to say so if you can take your time to read before diving in i’d appreciate it a lot.
> 
> this story is kind of a curse, i’m not gonna lie. you might have crossed on this plot when it was called “letters of fear” in 2020, a couple of months ago as “paper dreadful” with only one chapter missing and a lot of needed proofreading.
> 
> i pondered a lot what to do, and i finally decided i want it to be here on my new writing account. i used to be on empaten02 – the account still exist, for the memories it holds i guess. i’m not brave enough to delete it.
> 
> this is the third time this story is published, and it also will find its peaceful place and a deserved end!!
> 
> i made some adjustments i feel content with. somehow i consider this “old writing”, i’m aware it hasn’t been long. still, i feel at ease now.
> 
> be mindful of the tags, there’s a lot going on in this one. 
> 
> premises done, enjoy (if you’re here for the first time) or welcome back and thank you for your endless patience. <3

_Neo Culture High School, February, 11:04_

Jaemin counts to ten. He trembles, his throat dry and focuses on the sound of his index nail scraping the skin around his thumb until there’s a wet sensation to his digits, wide eyes to smudged blood in a mild wound. 

Sweating, cold, feverish; he only manages to give a smile out of courtesy to Renjun’s parents sitting a few rows behind them, trying to keep it together. He’s burning out, nose and nostrils hurting. Tongue bitten numb in need of something. 

He shuts his eyes again, not seeing anything is better than the glimpses of everything he fears around the chatty school theatre room. Filling with parents and students before the school play, waiting for the president’s welcoming words announcing the graduating students classes. Announcing Jaemin’s last day of school, being a senior.

It should be a happy day. His knuckles turn white pressing at the armchair, grip strong and weak at the same time with the small sob escaping his lips, an immediate grounding hand of Renjun on top of his own.

“Calm down”. He whispers, gritted teeth. Renjun is right, he shouldn’t panic as visibly when the police is currently investigating a murder. Jaemin needs another hold, he desperately looks around as quickly as possible and he wasn’t able to spot Jeno. 

Texts him twice, and he really needs him right now. He wonders why it’s taking him so long to arrive and at times like these it’s easy panicking and fear the worst.

Jaemin tries again. Maybe Jeno is looking for him as well, he wanders his view around a second time. 

He regrets it the moment he sees Donghyuck and the jittery leg unable to stay still. Mark stays next to him holding the boy’s knee to calm down. Poor Mark having no idea of what’s going on.

Donghyuck who looks like a mess, worse than Jaemin and for different reasons. Mussy honey shaded curls, sadness and fear lulling under his eyes in the foldings of dark circles.

The lump in his throat thickens seeing the black coat of Mr Park in the room. Disheveled, his face accepting condolences and sad smiles to everyone greeting him, shaking hands, hugging, meeting cheeks. 

Jaemin doesn’t find in his will to feel sorry for him, the hatred harbored for that man disgust him more his terrible son’s loss. If there’s anyone he truly is sorry for, so much he wants to cry his eyes out but panic is all his dry throat swallows, is Jisung. 

Jisung Park lost his innocent life for a fucked up and corrupted mess his father left behind in a trail — a murder Jaemin witnessed. And sees it every time his view clouds in darkness.

Jaemin bends forward. Lets out a choked sound as he’s about to puke his soul out –and maybe he really is the drug remnants in his body– nauseous guilt seeing Donghyuck’s family greeting the man. And Lia, his classmate’s sister out of all people, politely hugging the man.

Jaemin’s eyes are watery, folding on himself and taking some noisy breaths, chapped lips tasting salt as he starts crying. 

Someone might think the boy is mourning the loss of a friend, which is true, he cared about Jisung. The real, disturbing reason rests right in that hug between the young girl and the now gone boy’s father. 

Where everything started. Jaemin tries to think where things took such a wrong turn, a part of him conscious everything was unrecoverable from the very get go.

“Where is Jeno? Renjun, where is Jeno I need him with me-”.

“Jaemin”. Renjun holds his hand, tries to soothe him. There’s only Jeno who can really do that, the other also wonders where he is. Jeno is never late. 

“As much as I’m mad at you, and trust me I am, you need to calm down. Please. I’m calling Jeno, okay? I’m sure he’s coming soon, he won’t leave you alone. He never does”.

Renjun gives him a clipped smile, gaining positivity from his own words. “I need you to resist for a while longer, then it’s over”.

Jaemin does. Through his nauseous state of being sober for too long, eyes focusing on the headteacher starting off by giving a brief congratulations speech to the graduating students. She’s wearing a formal black suit, holding the microphone and sending an empathic look where Jisung’s parents are sitting.

“Unfortunately, not every student will get to experience this special day. I’d like, as the headteacher of this school and as a mother, to give all my condolences to Jisung Park’s family. Neo Culture High lost a brilliant, kind student and we’ll all miss dearly his bright personality-”.

The woman and everyone else scream with a gunshot up the ceiling. Jaemin flinches close to Renjun with the violent sound tearing those mellow words of goodbye. He sees orange bright hair, circling with one arm the woman’s neck dropping the microphone with another loud thump. Chenle points his gun at her temple.

“Bullshit! That’s a load of bullshit because none of you fucking cares!”. 

Chenle screams, pain in his broken voice violent through the thick silence and rushed breaths of everyone in the room. Jaemin notices the doors are locked, some masked people threatening with guns and taking their phones away. Walking through the rows of students, parents and teachers.

Jaemin shares a wild look with Renjun, wondering what the hell is Chenle doing. This is not his battle to fight, stupid of him to get in trouble.

He understands he’s the one hurting the most between all of them. Chenle only wanted to keep Jisung safe in his arms as long as he could. Chenle who gave him a promise ring being only sixteen. Chenle who lost the boy he loved the most; for selfishness and malice of greedy hands looking for money and revenge blind to what really mattered.

“Don’t move or call authorities or I shoot”.

_Park Jisung’s mansion. September, 00:30 –probably–_

Jaemin’s blouse glows in the Park’s mansion’s corridors in purplish lights, few too many slots open revealing his gleaming chest. He traces his numb fingers through smooth walls, a content smile as his sternum stops following the heavy bass of the music muffled inside the house.

Jisung and his parties, marking the end of quite a memorable summer. Jisung might be young, fifteen and sheepish but his boyfriend always knows how to gather people, throwing great nights for everyone to get drunk and have fun. Dipping in the garden’s swimming pool, Jisung’s parents are barely there with their business trips.

Jaemin is bored if he’s honest, not sure why he came here instead of following Renjun and Mark to the humid and steel smelling matches. Being freshly an adult entails more responsibilities. He could have joined them instead of wandering alone, albeit showing up to his last first day of school with a bruising face isn’t the best choice. 

Music rumbling in his bones is better if you get to share it with someone. He turns to one of the living rooms, all wide, clean glass windows and a black leather couch. Jaemin smirks at the view.

Another beauty lost in the night, apparently. Disheveled black hair and the perfect slope of his nose glowing under the moon is all it takes for him to change his mind. 

Jaemin clicks his tongue, involuntarily bites his glossy lips and is about to turn his steps away when he gets a taste of that low voice. Incredibly filled with fake, teasing naivety.

“Na, not to the dance floor tonight?”.

Jaemin side glances his way, notices the mockery in those mellow eyes squeezed in the addictive eye smile they’re all familiar with. Everyone would be lucky to have the boy standing from the couch saying yes to careless closeness.

“Eh, not my plan”. Jaemin wants to curse at how pretty he looks up close. Bitten red lips, fluttery lashes and cheeks pink from September’s sweat and alcohol. He smells of the expensive vodka Chenle brought. “What about you, Lee? Pretty boys shouldn’t sit all alone”.

Jeno smiles, his warm fingers hooking curiously under Jaemin’s blouse, mapping the shape of his collarbone. 

Jaemin might be very drunk right now, this is not likely to happen on any other occasion. It’s not everyday seeing Jeno at a party so late in the night, and not everyday he’s glancing up at Jaemin with such purposeful eyes.

“Then keep me company”.

Jaemin’s mouth gapes, not losing the chance and slides his palms to the boy’s waist. Jeno pushes him from his nape, tongue sliding quickly and wet inside his mouth, shut eyes and body almost scattered against his. 

He thinks –as much as he can while swallowing his pretty sounds– maybe Jeno is the drunk one.

Jaemin takes what he can get, and by that he roams his hands to Jeno’s ass, pressing their bodies close. Needy, Jeno sounds needy and in for something quick. 

It affects Jaemin as well, following the same rush. Getting worked up trapping Jeno to the couch back, raising one of his legs letting him thrust down where it has the boy whine.

Jaemin’s head is clouded, no space left to think as Jeno licks his neck and undones all his buttons, touching his nipples with a contrasting and unpredictable delicacy that makes his hips twitch. Jeno circles both legs around him with his help, clothed and sweating that madness out.

Jeno tries to get his hands through the waistline of his boxers, and Jaemin realizes anyone casually passing by can see them from the glass windows. 

He takes that drop of rationality circling his hand on Jeno’s slim and veiny wrist. Funny as he kisses the back of his hand out of his pants.

“As much as I’d like anyone to see you like this”. He snickers, Jeno rolling his eyes and biting his lobe playfully.

“Sounds kinky”. Jeno’s labored breath finds him as he pushes playfully at Jaemin's chest. He grabs his nape again and straight up licks his neck, nibbling at the skin. 

Jaemin inhales a clean shampoo fragrance and a musk of sweat, lingering with the black simple shirt fitting Jeno’s defined abdomen underneath.

“Don’t distract”. He groans, Jeno’s hand finding its way down his pants to stroke him anyway. 

Jaemin shuts his eyes. “Let’s go somewhere less–less. Fuck”. He bites Jeno’s jaw before taking said risky hand out. He holds it, finding a place where they won’t be disturbed.

Jaemin is quite popular himself and Jeno is too in his own way. People like to talk, they thrive with rumors. His sexuality is still a mystery in their school, albeit he enjoys flirting with anyone he likes. Had endless flings at school to slowly realize men are what works for him. His classmates and his family are two different things. 

And if there’s something Jaemin doesn’t want to share with his parents, being keen on men is a striking example.

They walk upstairs. Jaemin finds a room of what seems to be Mr Park’s office, surprised to find it open. He has a –not so subtle– loathing for people belonging to their social ladder.

Their expensive fathers are mostly selfish bastards giving birth to children to throw them in their society made of competitions and reputations to keep for the sake of their families. He doesn’t really mind dirtying Jisung’s father's clean desk with his teenage hormones.

And god, might be the alcohol or the dizzying heat between them but Jeno is a little too good and pliant. Rocking his hips in Jaemin’s fingers, hands gripping tightly at the desk; sweat on the wooden surface, caged with Jaemin’s body. 

Jaemin kisses his neck, sinks his teeth in Jeno’s throat as he melts on the piece of furniture, resting his back there and spreading his legs wider. Jeno looks sinful, in small sounds and blindly reaching for Jaemin's jeans, trying to undone them.

Jeno’s breath is shaky when he looks at him with sultry eyes, gaping in another moan. “Are you clean?”.

Jaemin nods, stroking himself and cleans his wet fingers to his jeans. Gross, but who cares when Jeno takes him by his hips and bites the space under his ear. Jaemin moans as well, cursing with a hiss when Jeno tells him “Then just fuck me”.

Of course he doesn’t need it to be told twice, holding Jeno’s body and steading his knees to the desk, where a drawer slightly hurts with the rough keyhole shape. 

Jaemin doesn’t care, setting an unruly pace inside Jeno with a frantic shifting of hips that has the black haired boy grip at his shoulders. Jeno moans his name and he’s thankful they found this space by themselves, where music is almost lost in the pleasing silence. 

Jeno is hot, he wasn't expecting him to be willingly pushing his hips deeper with his latched ankles around him, both stuck in filthy sounds pressing at the shell of their ears.

It’s maddening. Jaemin closes his eyes and goes faster, Jeno’s weight bumping down the desk repeatedly and its legs shake at every strong movement. 

He’s sweating, feeling drops of sweat through his chest, brief pain of Jeno’s sealing strongly his teeth everywhere on the space of his craning neck. Both moaning in a scared gasp as they feel the drawer drop abruptly to the marble floor.

They briefly look at each other. Jeno’s eyes are wide, yet the corner of his lips threatens to laugh, so slick when Jaemin tries to push inside him again.

Jeno’s breathes get airy, steading his hands to Jaemin’s shoulder blades when he picks him up and keeps fucking him. 

This time languidly, he needs the strength to keep Jeno up; his sinking stomach hurts in pleasure pushing in the stretched hole. Jeno’s nice fragrance lingers each time his nose sticks to his sweaty cheek.

It’s good, probably the best impromptu sex he’s ever had, closing his eyes close to his release. Condoms left — and he’s the type to always use protection. This is Jeno Lee and he’s sure it is a once in a lifetime chance that he lets Jaemin fuck around with him. 

So much slick makes Jeno gape in the wet snaps of his hips, shuddering puffs of air to his jaw. His lean fingers tremble on Jaemin’s nape and suddenly they painfully press down to his sore neck muscles.

“What the fuck. Shit, Jaemin. Fuck, stop. Look at the floor”.

Jeno sounds panicked, voice higher as he abruptly pulls out and his legs wobble where he crouches down. He picks up a photo his wrist barely keeps still, trembling with dread. 

Jaemin opens his eyes concerned, following Jeno’s terrified gaze to feel his stomach drop for an entirely different reason. He steadies Jeno’s hold on the photo, feeling sick to his stomach he could puke. 

Numerous pictures of Lia Lee are in that drawer. Donghyuck’s sister, posing suggestively and naked in a series of printed photos Jaemin wants to beat the man down for being in his drawer in the first place. A minor, the girl is just a second year at their school. Fourteen years old attending one year earlier.

There are a few letters, all opened and diligently closed in their envelope and signed with a male name to make them seem work related. The calligraphy could easily belong to Lia; thin, neat and elegant. 

In one of them there’s a wax stamp, one Jaemin knows well. He sees it in the letters of Donghyuck’s family when they do their annual charity parties. A risky move, considering those photos are carelessly thrown in the drawer. 

Jaemin thinks it was a stupid slip the man made as his wife is also out for business. Poor Mrs Park. Jaemin traces his fingers to the dislocated drawer. He wants to know, at the same time nauseous at the different scenarios emerging in his head, wanting to scream. 

Jeno is petrified, hand weakly holding another picture, covering the exposed body of the girl with his digits as it could help in any way. They’re still naked, and Jaemin takes the picture away from him, squeezing Jeno’s hand for comfort. 

He soothes his back for a moment and Jeno looks at him, brown eyes trembling. His voice cracks the moment he speaks. “I know her. This is sick and I-”.

“Get dressed, Jeno. I’ll fix the drawer”. Jaemin tries to smile, obviously he’s disturbed by all they saw. 

He moves a few strands of hair behind Jeno’s ear. Sweaty and jet black, uncharacteristically sweet of him. How can’t he be gentle, after seeing how affected Jeno is. Jaemin is scared as well. 

Truthfully they’re kids themselves despite loving to act grown up, recently turned eighteen and crawling into the adults’ world responsibilities. Seeing Lia’s pictures like that, unfolding a secret that god knows from how long goes on makes him shiver with disgust. He wonders if she is okay, why she’s doing this.

“Don’t worry. I’m going to take pictures and, I don’t know, let’s keep it for ourselves for now”.

“She could be hurt, he could be manipulating her, how do we know if this is consensual?”. 

Jeno asks, whispers, clutching at his shirt picked up from the floor.

Jaemin takes one of the letters, scanning the pale yellow paper, rough at the touch. He turns it to the signed name.

“Maybe one of these can be an answer. I’m sure she wrote them, we can take pictures of them and try to understand”.

“These letters and pictures won’t leave these walls until we’re not sure of what this is. You understand me?”. Jeno sounds serious now, stern look digging into Jaemin’s widened eyes, as if he’s trying to understand if he can trust him.

“Of course, Jeno. We’re talking about an underage girl with a fucking hag”.

The party still goes on full life outside, music loud and everyone — probably Jisung as well, are unaware of the horror hidden inside a business man’s office. 

Jeno is fidgety, uncomfortably moving in the studio and observing everything up close in a useless attempt to find more clues, something that could help them. Or maybe Jeno is just trying to calm down, noticing the way his veins grow and shape in his pale hands whenever he closes them in fists.

Jaemin doesn’t know anything about Jeno’s personality that isn’t of common knowledge. He can’t predict if he’s truly about to panic or this is his way of controlling stress. He finished fixing the drawer in the meanwhile, making it slide correctly back in place. 

There’s not a key, obviously, and Jaemin would love to tell the asshole he needs to buy better furniture. Somehow he is glad it is him and Jeno finding out a real life horror as this one. Two people who care about Lia, and more so about Donghyuck.

Jaemin is not even sure how he’s going to face him tomorrow at school. He’s more of a family friend than an actual company, the Lee’s often visit them at their house. 

Their mothers went to college together, Jaemin’s dad had some kind of business collaboration going on with Donghyuck’s father in the past. They’re always kind to Jaemin.

When everything seems to be under control –or at least visibly– they get out of that office, closing the door shut and walking again through the same purple lit walls. 

They’re awfully quiet after he sends Jeno the pictures he took. Jaemin feels disturbed, conscious he has Lia’s naked photos in his phone. Still unsure of what to do, keeping them as evidence to defend Lia if everything turns out bigger than them. 

They might need to trust authorities with this nightmare opened right under them in the form of a drawer.

Jeno’s steps are quiet, his white shoes smeared in dirt when they walk outside, in a less crowded area. He takes a deep breath, chest inflating as Jaemin stares back at him, lips tightly pressed together. Jaemin awkwardly grips at some locks of his blonde hair, ruined at the ends with bleach, somehow still soft and a good way to distract his busy head.

“Want me to take you home?”.

“I’m not sure you’re sober enough for authorities if they stop us”. Jeno twitches an eyebrow his way, aware they were buried in each other’s presence not too long before, hitting when Jaemin spots the dark hickeys on his defined jaw.

“I have a chauffeur”. Jaemin unconsciously sinks teeth in his bottom lip. How cocky it sounds.

“Sure”. Jeno’s clipped answer makes him cringe. The boy sighs and looks everywhere but Jaemin. “I forgot you’re one of the trust fund babies too”.

Jaemin scoffs, a bit too amused by the half insulting tone. Jeno really is something else, that one’s clear. It’s not hard to forget when Jisung’s house screams money.

“You really hate us that much, don’t you?”.

Jeno is tucking his messy shirt back in his jeans, what remains smooth on the fabric, out of indiscreet eyes. He pursues his lips, stealing a glance at him.

“You seem decent, if it makes you happier”.

“Can I be a decent person and let my driver bring you home safely now? It won’t hurt your smart boy pride, I promise”.

“Fine”.

Jeno narrows his eyes, takes the mockery of his words. Unlike Jaemin who always got the best out of his family’s money and all the possibilities they entail, Jeno is able to attend the Neo Culture high school thanks to a scholarship. 

Their private high school is known for being prestigious and able to open many doors, all rich pockets being there mostly with their snobby and spoiled presence showing off daily, recognizable with their school uniforms. 

Fancy cars outside, mild amendments to the uniforms with gold and diamond pins, expensive jewellery, gold watches and hidden fun out of their young facades.

Jaemin mostly hates it, but if he wants to survive he has to learn to swim with the sharks and pretend to be one of them. Mingling in useless friendships he doesn’t care about, learning to bond with who matters since he was young. 

His dad taught him, if Jaemin even still has it to call him that supposedly affectionate name. Never felt like one, never acted like one.

Jeno’s mother is a teacher. She’s very well respected, being one of the few kind souls to the students and also good at teaching. 

Jeno is the biggest book smart person Jaemin has ever seen, studying with excellent results and being the headteacher diamond boy. He’s heard from the infamous gossip Jeno works so hard to prove he has a place in their school, from the many girls making Jaemin’s skin itch with anger. They say it’s too bad he’s not like them or they’d waste no chance to get with him.

To be fair, almost all of them don’t deserve the education their school offers. With regret their rotten brains are led by a distorted reality, made of frivolities and money spent when their grades are bad. Generous donations to the school they all know what they truly mean. 

A useless amount of money even Jaemin doesn’t know what to do with. It’s another reality, and if one day a business goes to shambles is tragic seeing them picking up the crumbles.

Jeno looks good, is popular among them and how can’t he. Kindness dripping out of his warm brown eyes despite choosing to be detached from all of them, the perfectly straight slope of his nose and those lips Jaemin can’t stop staring at even now he’s supposedly listening to his best friend and Jeno walks to his locker in school.

He gets reminded of their little tryst, lighting in terrible rationality his brain with all the shit that went off after it. They haven’t talked it out. 

The weekend to the first day of their last year of school separating them, back slumping against his locker at the sight of long legs and eyes covered by glasses searching for his books. His neck is shamefully littered under his tie, not hard to notice.

Jeno turns for a moment, taking in his warm cheeks. Jaemin simply lifts the corner of his mouth in acknowledgement, not sure if Jeno wants him to approach him or they’re both pretending nothing happened until they have to face some real serious talking.

Renjun, his best friend that knows him like the palm of his hand and probably Jeno’s only proper friend in school is smart enough to understand, following Jaemin’s distracted gaze and spotting the matching obscene state of their necks. And everywhere the uniform covers them.

“No fucking way”. He says incredulous, waving back at Jeno with a kind smile as he takes his book and disappears behind a classroom door. “You really cursed Jeno now, didn’t you?”.

Jaemin would like to smirk, joke about Renjun treating him like a homewrecker when Jeno is clearly free and unbothered but there’s something tugging at his chest. Something uneasy mixed with the need to bring Jeno back where they were a few nights ago. 

His body still burns with the boy’s warmth, his sounds and the way he grabs at his shoulders and neck, not sure he’ll get that ever again.

“Let’s go to class, please”. Jaemin hides his flustered shifting, not going unnoticed by Renjun’s cackle. He isn’t flustered for that satisfied laugh though, it’s his own thoughts making the damage.

Who cares. Jaemin only has one night stands, Jeno could be a two nights stand if he lets him and Jaemin would be fine with his conscience. He shouldn’t be thinking about Jeno under him when Mrs Lee has just started her lesson, eyes awfully similar to her son’s.

Jeno and Jaemin aren’t friends. He considers them school acquaintances with some back history of accumulated one sided flirting that ended up to work just fine after yesterday night. 

He wasn’t expecting it, nor Renjun who keeps looking at him like he’s grown two extra heads overnight, shaking his own and widening eyes in distress as he doesn’t understand something in his textbook. Distracting him from processing the new information.

Jaemin is strolling in the corridors during his recess when he feels a hand pulling him to the side, a small suffocating janitors room where brooms and everything useful for cleaning stands. 

He has no idea why Jeno has the keys and why he is now in front of the boy; actually he has an idea, not too ready to talk. He was hoping they would delay the conversation somewhere else, if he’s sincere.

Jeno looks clean. Neat. Sultry gazes and hands gone, black hair combed and his perfect fit in the grey uniform. They’re also very close, if Jaemin stretches his arm he can lay his hands to his waist, hug him. 

They both look miserable now they’re together and alone facing this huge burden occupying the whole tiny space they witnessed through pictures and letters.

“Did you read them?”. Tries Jaemin, unsure if he talked at all considering his voice is less than a whisper. No context needed, he’s too afraid to talk and Jeno understands already.

“Not yet, I don’t think I can do it alone”. Jeno’s voice is almost as imperceptible, worry flashing his eyes when Jaemin takes a trembling breath, feels cold sweat at his temples. 

He’s panicking. Jaemin learned the feeling since he was five years old and had trouble becoming friends with all the kids at kindergarten. 

He remembers some mean ones trying to scare him off with a dinosaur toy that had red flashing eyes and made a sound he was afraid of, chasing him around the classroom with what felt like evil giggles, at least that’s how he remembers them. 

Jaemin also recalls his teacher didn’t care, barely telling the kids to stop and suggested he just had to not be afraid.

 _Just not be afraid_ , but how can he when things are always bigger than him. His cocky attitude he developed to defend himself all these years can’t help the sudden rush of fear he gets thinking about what they found out.

He struggles to breathe when he realizes Jeno is hugging him, delicate and also grounding with the press of his palms sliding on his spine, resting there with his thumbs soothing him. 

Jaemin hides his face in the crook of Jeno’s neck, inhales the warmed scent there, squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on Jeno’s touches. It was probably Jaemin gripping at the boy’s waist at some point while dreadfully overthinking. 

He finds a brief moment to calm down in his arms, resting there for a few seconds more.

“We could do it together”. Mumbles Jeno, fingers threading in Jaemin’s hair, this time carefully and so different from a few nights before. It’s calming, feels remotely safe. Jaemin never feels safe.

Sometimes with his brother or Renjun, his best friends for years, the only calming companies he knows that are both family to him. Jeno is in fact a stranger, there’s nothing important or said in a trusting environment he knows about him.

He shrugs off his thoughts and nods, sheepishly thanking Jeno when they pull. Jaemin gets out of the room first, Jeno’s number in his phone contacts, typing his address so they can meet later. Suck it up and understand what they have in their hands.

Jaemin gets home and lays tiredly in bed, unable to sleep the past days and throws his backpack ungraciously in an angle of his room. 

He lights up a cigarette, Jaehyun wouldn’t be happy — his brother is also currently in another country so he won’t know. Out of sight out of mind, taking a long drag; the white stick burns his lips, wrapped there for too long, looking out of the window. Their garden is perfectly in place, green cut grass, a glimpse of their swimming pool if he tilts his head. 

Considering how vast their house is, Jaemin chose a small room compared to the other wide spaces. He also has his own office he rarely uses, not even to study as he prefers sprawling his books and his stomach on the bed sheets. 

Jaemin is planning to leave as soon as he can. All the fancy furniture and space built for him long before he could need a studio is completely left to waste. As if Jaehyun’s one wasn’t already, leaving the studio next to Jaemin’s empty, and the bedroom he sometimes sneaked in when lonely.

At times like these he’s glad he has Renjun, otherwise his house would be another reason to feel utterly, merely alone. His bed is neatly done, by the cleaning lady with kind eyes that looks fondly every day she sees Jaemin. Since he was little, she changes his bedsheets and dusts off his room in the morning, after Jaemin heads to school.

He calls his bedroom small, but for many it really isn’t. Jaemin has a double bed, a cabin room that has clothes tending to get quite pricey. Fashion is something he always enjoys spending his family’s money on when he doesn’t for the rest.

Band posters attached at different heights on his walls and an untidy desk dribbling books and papers chaotically covering his laptop. Aretha, their cleaning lady, never touches anything there and Jaemin is grateful.

She’s the most warm presence he has in his house. Replacing his mother’s since long ago, when the woman stopped having that glint in her eyes and doesn’t leave her room as much anymore. 

Depression, or an unhappy marriage. Jaemin can’t give her any fault. He would be unhappy too, with a father like his. Imagine being married to him.

Jaemin never shares his family situation, unhappily sucking life out of him the more he stays inside his home’s walls that don’t feel a single ounce like home. He knows no one would understand, sometimes he talks about it with Renjun. He sees it with his own eyes when he comes over how things truly are. 

He caught glimpses of fights, back in the years started by Jaehyun’s angry voice getting louder. His brother had a clear picture of how shitty things can get in a broken family like theirs, before Jaemin could understand it.

Surely people would misunderstand him,say he’s ungrateful for believing money doesn't define happiness. How can they when his mother is sadder every passing day, his brother is gone and Jaemin is left with a father that never truly cares about him and his interests.

A man that’d be proud only if he joins a stupid football team or tells him he has a girlfriend of a good family.

Jaemin tries again, even today, when his clock signals dinner time. He knocks at the door, the single bedroom his mother moved in because their parents aren’t brave enough to divorce and it would break their image and reputation. 

Why they still care so much if it’s consuming them is what Jaemin stopped asking. The sad woman doesn’t admit his sick husband is cheating repeatedly on her. He sighs, already anticipating what she’s going to answer.

“Mom?”. Jaemin peeks over when she says it’s open, finds her sitting at a desk. A book in hand, eyes a bit lost under the last hours of daylight, her room darkening and she doesn’t mind turning the lights on. Her eyes are still kind, similar to Jaemin’s, wide and dark. 

She gives him a tender smile, breaking her gloomy face when she sees him standing by the door frame.

“You look handsome”. Always complimenting him. Jaemin’s hand curls on the handle, the same question persisting at the tip of his tongue. He’s not sure why he tries.

“Are you joining us for dinner?”.

She gives him an apologetic smile. I can’t, sorry sweetie — that’s what it means. Same old stretch of lips she makes every meal they’re supposed to share together. At a table too long and lacking of any family warmth. He deeply misses that sparkle.

“Want me to ask Aretha to bring you some food?”.

“No baby, I’ll take it myself later”. Her hair got longer, Jaemin notices, dark brown curling at the ends. 

She’s beautiful, a sad beauty. Jaemin would like to read her, uncomplicate that permanent frown between her eyebrows.

“Okay, love you mom”.

“Love you too”.

Jaemin is not hungry. And it isn’t shocking news; he’s turning a little too skinny, ribs starting to boldly show. Aretha often complains about it whenever she catches him shirtless around the house or heading to the swimming pool, his body exposed more often than usual during the summer.

His stomach closes abruptly taking a seat at the dinner table, as far as possible from his father. Today is no different. He feels bad for all the cooking Aretha’s careful hands made, and Jaemin passed by the kitchen earlier asking her to save a portion for his mother. 

He’ll bring it later, knows she probably won’t eat until late.

A long and impersonal dinner table, black slick wood and his father a few seats far from him, cutting the meat in his plate. The quiet disturbs him, Jaemin grows uncomfortable as he takes a few bites. It just ends up with him keeping loosely the fork in his hand, moving a piece of food stuck there.

“I heard Jisung had a big party on Saturday, were you there?”.

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, mockery all over his face. This is a new start of conversation.

“This is where we’re going tonight? I’d like to remind you my mother is not even here”. 

Jaemin wants to scoff at his father’s face, that stupid fake oblivious grimace. “Yes, I was there”. He answers anyway, just to make him happy and shut up.

“I didn’t know Jisung was-”. The man hesitates, and Jaemin recognizes his features in him and wishes for a moment he could erase his own or shape them differently. “Different”.

“What is it now? Is it the pink hair you don’t like?”.

The man sighs. Jaemin doesn’t feel a bit sorry for his remarks or turning any attempt to conversate difficult, can’t help being defensive through all of them.

“I talked with Chenle’s mother today and she mentioned they’re, uhm, they’re together. Jisung and Chenle”.

Jaemin snaps his fingers ironically — there you go. Tonight is even worse than others apparently. 

Everyone knows at school Jisung and Chenle are dating, they’re the youngest and one of the few open couples at Neo Culture, popular and loved enough by all the younger kids. 

Jisung is shy, on the other hand, Chenle can get pretty reckless. Jaemin envies the way he stands up for them on the few occasions he did after some ignorant comments the couple received in public and they all heard it.

His father seems to be struggling continuing under Jaemin’s cold stare and it’s better if he doesn’t because he’s not ready to hear the rest. This is something regarding Jaemin as well, very personal of Jaemin and any word would just ruin it. 

Jaemin never came out to his family, leaving everyone at school confused. His flirting with boys is a lot more discreet than the old flings he used to have when he thought there was a chance of liking girls. Although it isn’t invisible.

Guys his age are scared, most of the boys he’s been with asked him to keep it on the low.

Jaemin never had trouble. If his one night stands were to expose him, they would also have to come out in the way. And nobody wants that, unless you’re ready.

“She’s thinking of throwing a party for their anniversary, I think. It’s exaggerated to me, I have nothing against gay people but you shouldn’t talk about it so freely like she does, it would be weird to see them together”.

“So you do have a problem with gay people”. Jaemin answers, hand closing in a fist under the table, nails digging painfully at his skin. Shut up, he thinks.

“It’s not natural, Jaemin. They can be gay, but they shouldn’t. It makes others uncomfortable if they suddenly kiss at that party they want to organize”.

Jaemin laughs, not an ounce of happiness in the sad cackle he makes. Now he’s angry, not even uncomfortable.

“I swear if you dare to say any of this bullshit to Chenle’s mother I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Sounds like a problem of yours if two people being genuinely in love disturbs your masculinity so much. Jealous of them because they actually have something good going on?”.

“Jaemin”. His father sounds kind of defeated, he touched a sensitive button there. 

Whenever Jaemin expresses the truth about how shitty of a husband or a father he is, subtly or less, that makes the man irritated. 

A part of him knows, Jaemin thinks, down there deep where his infinite ego ends. “What? Are you a gay too? That’s why you’re so angry?”.

Jaemin has to take a very deep breath to not just punch the table or slap the man right in the face. He’s not even a violent person and likes to avoid conflict but when it comes to his father he’d do anything to feel relief out of that growing hate. He shakes his head.

“Maybe you should stop being a coward, gather some divorce papers and let my mother be free of your bullshit and all the women you take to bed before thinking about my sexuality. You’re sad”. Jaemin gives him a dirty look, up and down before stretching a very fake smile.

“Goodnight, daddy”. He emphasizes the last word with a mellow voice sounding more angered than sweet, hands up letting the silverware fall with a clicking sound to the table, back to his room.

This is nothing out of the ordinary, the ugly churning in his stomach is going to tame down in a few minutes. 

Sometimes for his father making unhappy comments about his mother rarely leaving her room, others for the insistence mentioning some families’ daughters that would be perfect for Jaemin, except they don’t exist. Sometimes it is when not even Jaemin’s grades in the upper average are enough for him.

It doesn’t stop, his blood keeps boiling, hands itching and grabbing a leather jacket heading out of the house. He’s not sure where he's going, until the familiar sketchy street unfolds under Jaemin’s nose, getting out a taxi and drying his sweaty palms on his skinny jeans.

Jaemin feels relieved entering the room made of sweat, manly grunts and rushed breaths by the fighting ring. It’s humid inside the old consumed walls, the place poorly illuminated. He walks in, greeting some familiar faces before spotting Mark and Johnny smoking their chatter.

Mark introduced Jaemin to a place so detached from their usual routes made of tidier entertainment. 

Mark Lee wasn’t part of their wealthy lives, wasn’t born in it. His family had luck, winning a sudden enrichment and his father was smart to invest in it and let their family grow bigger, wealthier.

The boy hides under his friendly image a less inoffensive soul, just in his hobbies not really in his heart. Mark is kind, and was the one reaching to Jaemin last year noticing he was simply sad. He never insisted to know the reason why, or forced him to talk.

He collected Jaemin one night from a gay bar being shit faced and introduced him to another way to unload anger. Fighting.

Jaemin does it for fun, used to participate in some matches but he only needs a way to free his mind, it’s nothing he’d do if he wasn’t stuck in his head and stalling this much. Plus Jaemin likes Mark, he’s one of the good ones, a nice company to talk about anything that comes to mind.

An ally, who never asked once what he was doing at a gay bar. Jaemin could ask the same question and none of them needed to talk that out, they understand. He likes to get drunk with him and sometimes Donghyuck and Renjun after the serious matches join them, getting lost into some careless nights. A different kind to the ones Jaemin is used to.

He shakes his friendly hand, blonde strands of hair kneaded with dark brown, and eyes glinting with excitement. Next to him there is another familiar face. 

Johnny, his brother’s best friend that unlike Jaehyun found a university close to home. Tall and handsome, a sly smile already plastered on his face that makes Jaemin sheepish if he was to admit it. 

They have some history, starting right after Jaehyun left when Johnny visited him because they both were missing his company, sticking around for numb tongues and filthy sounds his brother doesn’t need to know. There’s a lot of things Jaehyun can’t know.

“Dude, you came! It’s been long”. Mark pats his back, gives him the joint they were sharing and Jaemin gladly takes a drag. He needs it tonight.

Jaemin glances up at the older, eyelashes darkening his view briefly as he flutters them because that’s what gets everyone all the time. “Yeah, It’s been long since I came”.

Johnny laughs at the funny choice of words, hand sneaking around his hips in a brief hug. 

Like that they just start catching up about their lives, and slowly he feels better, chuckling at something Mark says wiggling his eyebrows ridiculously.

“Are you here to train?”. Jaemin asks both, pressing to Johnny. He’s high and the older is warm, closing his arms around him and feels the broader chest to his spine.

“Not really, tonight’s all easy”. Johnny says low, and to Jaemin’s ears, incredibly hot. “Join me at the ring?”

Mark ignores them finding another ‘dude’ to his infinite greeting list, shaking hands and talking about people and events Jaemin is not following anymore, too caught up with his own things and staying more in the fancier streets. 

Recently he’s spent nights in clubs, watching dancers moving sinfully and beautifully with their perfect curves whenever his dad hinted he should get a girlfriend and he would get upset. 

All the girls were beautiful, really. Jaemin is in a way a female worshipper; he got a few of them dancing in his lap and stripping clothes now his age allows it, yet he couldn’t find a glint of excitement staring and left a generous tip to ease the guilt about being there. 

Jaemin learned he hates strip clubs, heart tight getting out of them every time. And Jaemin keeps learning, getting sounds off people like Jeno or finding his face pressed to Johnny’s pillows, arching his back moaning at every thrust inside him. No girl can give him this. 

The different kind of high, choked gasps clenching around the older’s length, Johnny’s addicting lips kissing his neck. It’s freeing, right and no one can take that from him. It’s not a sin, nothing to feel shame for, it’s a space for Jaemin to feel closer to who he is. Where he wants to stay and cry out moans.

Johnny is nice, always is. Jaemin likes to let go and be taken care of, despite his love for control growing specifically when he meets the right people to do so. 

He turns where his back presses against the mattress and Johnny’s black hair messily covers his sweaty forehead. Jaemin doesn’t fix them, wishing for someone else with that same dark hair to be hovering him. 

It’s brief and stupid. They’re nothing, had sex once and they didn’t even finish, still he gets reminded of how warm the way Jeno hugs is. Jaemin would have gladly stayed in the janitor's room for longer in the morning.

It’s unusual for him to crave softer touches, the ones that Jeno seems to like, albeit they were rough at Jisung’s party. His mind is whispering Jeno’s name, as if calling him in his head would help Jaemin out of this bed and his head. 

He circles his legs around Johnny’s middle tighter, throws his head to the pillows and just lets him use his body. It’s okay, he can have it for tonight.

Jaemin doesn’t stay. He gets up to clean himself decently, quick to wear his clothes back on. 

Johnny lays on the bed, studies Jaemin skittish movements and trembling hands, fumbling the zip of his jeans back up. Nothing he just did helps, and Jaemin strangely finds himself needing a hug. He wonders why he didn’t hug his mother before, locking eyes with Johnny in the midst of internal chaos.

Johnny never really kisses him. He only did it the first time they did this, when he understood Jaemin was there for the same reason. Not looking for a relationship or anything remotely romantic and close to the idea. Johnny who pulls out immediately as it’s over, letting him crash at his place and talk like the friends they are, slipping in his sheets all summer.

“You sure you’re okay?. The brief worry in the older’s eyes is real, Jaemin is grateful to see something sincere, shaking his head.

“Just the usual shitty stuff my father says. You know them”.

Johnny was the one reassuring Jaemin to let the man’s words uselessly out of his mouth and ignore them. He’s used to hearing them, Jaehyun can get rioty when their father grazes topics he truly cares about and if his older brother knew about Jaemin’s sexuality, he’s sure he would have stood up for his rights. 

He misses Jaehyun. Misses his brother that always accepted Johnny and everyone else for who they are, and his smile made of lovely dimples drying Jaemin’s tears when he was younger and heard their parents fighting.

“I’m sorry, Jaem. You can stay here if it helps, I don’t mind”.

Jaemin moves a hand dismissively. It’s okay, it’s not like he sees his father that much anyway. Between school and generally avoiding staying at home more than necessary.

“Thank you. I have school tomorrow”.

Johnny grimaces, playfully so. “I forgot you’re a baby for a moment”.

Jaemin tilts his head with a scowl, lazily slapping Johnny’s cheek with the same playfulness in a faint sound.

“You are not that old, stop the drama. Night John”.

Jaemin walks out of the apartment block, lonesome steps in the dark deciding if he should call his driver or a taxi. It’s too late to disturb the poor man who patiently brings Jaemin everywhere. 

Also it feels nice to be alone, he should stop drinking or smoking as much and take his car at night when he needs to escape. There’s someone he’d like to drive around coming to mind.

Johnny is a friendly presence, he usually likes to get off with him, yet tonight there’s a part of him dirty and ashamed for crawling under him so willingly. Also wrong for the one person he shouldn’t even be thinking of flashing in his mind. Ironically his phone rings in that moment, screen lighting up with a message.

From: Jeno

what about tomorrow after school?

i really wanna get this off my chest

can we do it at yours?

Jeno folds his arms in his jacket, trailing behind Jaemin inside the house after school on the next day. They’re still wearing their backpacks and uniforms, a bit sweaty when the fabric is too thick on them considering it’s barely the start of October and outside is not that cold.

Jeno bows when he sees Aretha, her smiling kindly and asking him if he wants to hang his jacket when Jaemin out of habits gives her his, or else the woman will complain about him scattering it somewhere he’ll forget. 

Jeno fumbles his hands to tell her it’s okay, looking uneasy for a moment before Jaemin smiles fondly, accepting the woman’s kiss on his cheek. She does it everyday and usually the only witness of it is Renjun, who gets smooched as well when the woman is so fond of him.

Jeno seems to relax at that, instead of sharing a displeased look, following Jaemin up the stairs to his bedroom. They won’t be interrupted anywhere in the house if he’s honest, but barging in his studio he never uses would be weird and not too safe considering what they have in their hands. Risky if anyone else sees it. 

His room really is the best option, hoping Jeno understands as he’s nervous and tries to explain his process of thoughts for the room choice. Instead he asks if he and his cleaning lady are close, and Jaemin simply tells him she’s one of the most motherly figures he has, details left for another day — or never.

Jeno then chuckles and agrees being in Jaemin’s room, sitting on his bed as he finds place at his desk’s chair, facing Jeno. They printed the letters, Jeno did it on his own but Jaemin is currently making a file for all they have, one to keep safe and delete the pictures in their phones starting to become a huge pressure in their heads. Allowing them to burn the papers when they won’t need them anymore.

And Jaemin can’t believe the words he’s reading. They’re love letters, or a weird kind of infatuation a fourteen year old girl can have for an old man apparently promising her a future together. 

The letters from her side seem pure, sweet until Jaemin gets reminded of the entire situation, something completely off about it and it’s not about the age gap itself.

“I don’t buy it”. Says Jeno, focused reading another letter that’s just some other futile corny words of how she feels butterflies in her stomach whenever he touches or kisses her. 

Jaemin glances up, eyes Jeno who’s distractedly nibbling his bottom lip. It’s inappropriate to think about it at that moment but Jaemin wants to kiss him. See if he likes it as much when sober.

“There must be something else. Why would Mr Park risk so much for an impossible relationship? I mean, I’m sure he’s also taking advantage of it and he’s a disgusting assshole for it. I just don’t think that’s all, it’s too easy”.

“Anything in mind?”. Jaemin plays with the paper edges, watching the small twitches of different expressions on Jeno's face, frowning in thought.

“Donghyuck’s family could have something, and Lia is the key. Business related stuff? They might have something that could get him in trouble. Isn’t Jisung in her class? Maybe she shared something she shouldn’t and his father is finding a way to get it”. 

Jeno clasps his hands together, shoulders slumping. “If there’s something I learned as an outsider of our school is that your kind of families are actually fucked up, in a way or another. Sorry”.

“You don’t know how much”. Jaemin sighs, oblivious he said that out loud the moment Jeno makes a concerned face, eyes digging in his looking for an answer Jaemin is not ready to give him.

“You’re right, it’s suspicious, their happy and illegal love story. You’re really smart”. 

Jaemin gives him a sketch of a smile, glancing down the printed page. He feels Jeno’s fingers faintly tracing his red and broken skin around his knuckles. Jaemin almost forgot about it, the foolish match he did throw some hits without wearing gloves. 

He's used to it, doesn’t hurt anymore.

Jeno’s fingers are warm, delicate and his heart picks up a stupid fast face. Calm down — he tells himself, as Jeno slides a thumb there and holds his hand. It’s just Jeno, just Jeno with his comforting and leisurely touches.

“Does it hurt?”.

“No, I-”. Jaemin glances up, getting closer with a few steps from his chair. He sits next to Jeno on the bed. “Are you familiar with the matches Renjun and Donghyuck go to?”.

“You fight?”. Jeno asks, surprised in his features and hand not leaving his, resting it in his lap.

“Not seriously. And only occasionally”. They’re close, Jaemin is not sure when they both leaned in that thin distance. 

Jaemin also has a few scratches up his cheekbone fading into a bruise, and he shuts his eyes when Jeno’s fingers curiously trace over there.

“You have really long lashes”. He says, his breath fanning Jaemin’s lips when he slowly nods.

“Can we stop for a moment the letters thing?”. Jaemin asks, opening his eyelids back to Jeno who holds his cheek properly, closing the distance.

Jaemin’s hand steadies between Jeno’s legs to draw near, his other one on the boy’s jaw, darting his tongue in his mouth into a languid kiss. He sighs in their slow mouths, placid when Jeno pushes him to the mattress.

Peace is what Jaemin feels bringing him closer by his waist, hand untucking his neat uniform shirt to touch bare skin boiling with a touch. Jeno is scratching his scalp, taking loose fists of platinum hair around his fingers and when Jaemin briefly opens his eyes the other is completely lost in their kiss, stomach twisting at the view.

This is what he was thinking about yesterday, Jeno tasting like unusual butterflies in his stomach. There’s something soft lingering between them, and their hands reach further and Jeno’s lips suck on his neck but none of them seem to be making a bolder move, unconsciously affected by the pages left where Jaemin’s desk is.

Relieved he can just find warmth at the tip of Jeno’s tongue to suck, licking the roof of his mouth, arms stopping somewhere in their kisses to just hug the boy. And Jeno’s fingers hold one of his hands, taking a deep breath when they pull, legs tangled together.

Jaemin can’t tell what it is, it makes him press his lips in a long kiss on Jeno’s cheek, moving to a peck on his nose. Jeno seems taken aback, just staring and playing with the hair at Jaemin’s nape, honey eyes fixed on him.

“This is not what they told me about Jaemin Na”. Jeno smiles when he allows himself to kiss Jaemin’s cheek back, lips falling slowly to his jaw when Jaemin chuckles and hums.

“Disappointed?”. Jaemin's smile is gleaming in his hurting cheeks when Jeno shakes his head, resting it on his chest. 

He strokes Jeno’s cheek, skin smooth and it’s nearly protective the way he holds him. Brain overthinking his actions, not a reason to detach from a taste of what feels right. Jeno feels astonishingly right in his arms.

“Sounds better than the rumors”.

“Mind sharing some of them with me?”.

“Along the lines of the thing we had at Jisung’s party”. Jeno starts unbuttoning some slots of his shirt and Jaemin is sure the boy has a thing for bare touches, drawing circles to the exposed skin. 

“Which is good, really good”. Jeno stresses with a funny face and Jaemin actually laughs, has Jeno look up at him threading fingers under his chin.

“Let me guess, they didn’t warn you about possible cuddles”.

Jeno amusingly presses his lips together avoiding a smile, and Jaemin sighs, looking up at the ceiling. Jaemin wasn’t warned about wanting to cuddle with someone too.

“I’m actually a very caring person, with who matters, if it helps. My reputation might not be the best, still I’m not a complete piece of shit”.

“Is there a chance that I could matter?”. Jeno asks, so quietly he’s almost whispering and Jaemin’s heart this time twirls with the company of his stomach. He turns his head to Jeno, mouth gaping without really saying anything and the other gets fidgety, clearing his throat. 

“Sorry, that was stupid”.

“No, wait”. Jaemin sits up and takes Jeno by his shoulders where the boy is about to slip away from him, standing up together. “Are you serious? I thought you didn’t dig people like me”.

Jeno bites his lips, looks out at the window. “I literally let you fuck me where everyone could walk in. I still can’t figure what that makes me”.

“That is different, Jeno. You could have sex with literally any of us and not feel a thing other than wanting to please yourself with someone’s company”. Jaemin smiles, holds Jeno’s hand to have him look at him. 

“Hey, it’s not stupid. I never really had anything other than sex and maybe I’m not as fun to be around when that isn’t the main thing I can do for you”.

“Don’t talk about yourself so poorly. Also, the whole Lia thing”. Jeno adds, intertwines his fingers with Jaemin when he suggests it by tapping his index to Jaemin’s palm.

“That is something else we can figure out together. It doesn’t need to affect whatever this can be”.

Jeno doesn’t answer, only takes a step closer and seals for a moment their lips in a kiss. Simple, uncomplicated, so different from anything anyone has ever given Jaemin. 

He wants it again and that is enough of an answer to him and his insecurities. They’ll have time to figure each other out, see if they actually work. It would be stupid giving up without trying, not when their feelings are so easily exposed with an hour spent alone in the same room.

“Well, Jaemin. How do you feel about dates?”.

“Where are you taking me?”.

“The football field’s benches on lunch breaks sounds a not so demanding first try. We could start spending those together”.

Jeno hugs him, and maybe kisses him some more until their lips get numb and red with saliva. Jaemin’s heart is a plastic bag floating with the tide, lost and pushed by the waves for long and he’s starting to finally see the shore.

Jaemin the next day smiles mirthfully as Renjun and Jeno are bickering over something useless before class, different opinions clashing between scientific points of view. The younger by only a month pretends to be less than the big dreamer Renjun is just to piss him off. 

Today Jeno opted to be a painful cynic in a debate about aliens' existence, the other strongly believes in them and more honestly, Jeno believes that in a universe as vast as theirs it’s impossible they’re the only life forms existing. He won’t tell Renjun he’s right until the other starts to lose a brain cell showing evidence, much for Jaemin’s amusement.

“Look who’s there”. Jaemin chirps, noticing Donghyuck and Jinsoul talking by their lockers. 

He knows Renjun has a little — a big, crush on the other. He’d never admit it if asked. 

They got closer with all the ring matches they attended and watched together, and Jaemin saw touchy hands whenever they finished their nights drunk. When they’re at school, not out of their people’s view, they almost act as strangers. 

He’s worried, joking like he always does. It would be weird if he doesn’t, Jeno notices the stiff way Jaemin hides behind him trying to not be spotted by Donghyuck.

Jaemin never questions it. Renjun seems confused about what he and Donghyuck are and unless his best friend wants to talk he’ll just stick for small teases like he does right now. 

After a slap at his thigh from Renjun, his eyes focus on an interesting corner of their corridor, where Jisung is alone and texting at his phone. His hand plays at the hem of Jeno’s jacket, pulling it and the other immediately catches his gaze.

“I need to go. See you later?”. He says, and Jeno briefly watches where Jaemin’s attention is, turning with a questioning look. Jaemin tries to imply he won’t do anything stupid, he planned to say some nice words about the party Chenle’s mother is organazing for their anniversary. 

In a world where he still doesn’t feel comfortable about sharing his preferences he wants to be proud of the ones standing for what are also his rights.

“Lunch break?”. Asks Jeno. His face is sweet, Jaemin bites his lips to avoid smiling as fondly as he ends up doing anyway. He’s really curious to know Jeno better, anticipating some alone time with him.

“Yeah”. Jaemin subtly holds his fingers and Renjun rolls his eyes, squeezing them facing up the ceiling.

“Just kiss, no one fucking cares”. He says, and Jeno chuckles slapping his forearm, Renjun pretending to be hurt with a not so believable pained sound. 

Despite the kidding their friend knows better. Renjun winks Jaemin goodbye, grabbing Jeno's arm and body away from him, they all have a class to attend.

Jaemin takes a breath, he’s not going to directly ask anything and he’s sure Jisung knows nothing about his father. The kid is young, and a pretty emotional one who sucks at keeping his feelings for himself, everyone can clearly see whenever he’s upset. 

Just one look at Jisung and Jaemin can tell if he’s had a fight with Chenle or not. Jisung these days seems very happy, bubbly face breaking into smiles, often catching him walking hand in hand with his boyfriend.

His approach is useless to dig in secret family businesses. He truly wants to make some real congratulations about his and Chenle’s anniversary. Jisung despite being four years younger is taller than Jaemin, young face with his fifteen years old of baby cheeks and eyes sparkling gratefully at his words.

Jaemin spots bright orange hair getting close where they are, pecking Jisung’s cheek and staring briefly with an unreadable expression at Jaemin. 

He wants to twitch an eyebrow at the arrogance, make a face, but there’s a thin threatening air in the way Chenle moves his arm around Jisung’s waist, telling him sweetly he forgot something and he doesn’t have to wait for him.

He suggests Jisung to reach his class or he’ll be late. Jaemin wants to laugh, there’s no way Chenle is jealous of him talking to Jisung.

Jisung, completely oblivious of the heavy stare Chenle gives Jaemin, thanks him another time, kissing Chenle goodbye. 

The scene would be very sweet if he doesn’t straighten his back once he’s gone and Jaemin’s salty face screams for an explanation before he can verabally ask. Chenle signals to follow him, walking a few steps where the corridor is already emptying.

“I don’t know what your deal is Na. Don’t put Jisung in the middle of it”.

Jaemin grimaces confused. Does Chenle know about Jisung’s father? How does he know Jaemin knows it? It wouldn’t make sense.

“What are you talking about?”. He says instead, better safe than sorry. 

Chenle seems impatient, scoffing annoyed and looking behind them. There’s no one left, they’re going to be late for class. The second bell rings, ten minutes left to understand whatever the younger is implying.

“Don’t make me lose time. My dad said you know, and Jisung doesn’t yet. I’d like for it to be his boyfriend letting him know our families have this”. He briefly let’s out of his pocket a tiny plastic bag of white dust, Jaemin’s eyes wide. “- kind of business going on”.

“Hide the shit right now”. Jaemin wants to scream, he aggressively whispers instead, pushing down Chenle’s hand holding cocaine. “If you’re playing with me Chenle, I fucking swear–”.

“What, Jaemin?”. Chenle moves his hands around, upset. “Grow the fuck up. This is as real as it gets and I don’t care if you’re pretending it’s not because you can’t accept it. Don’t fuck this up or it’s both our families drowning”.

Jaemin doesn’t even bother saying anything else. He recollects the shock, a confident face settled.

“By the way I was only congratulating Jisung on your anniversary. Your mother invited me to your party and apparently I needed to come prepared for this. Calm down, go to class kid”.

Chenle startles, slightly confused at Jaemin’s reaction and he goes away. 

Truth is, Jaemin doesn’t have it anymore to react, his heart hammering violently in his chest, lips pressing until they turn white. Whatever is his father's sketchy white business he shares with Chenle’s father, he doesn’t care. 

It’s his problem, and he’s wondering if their parents’ fights might have been for money problems, and if this is the most stupid solution for it. Or the fights started because his mother found out.

They never tell Jaemin anything, he never has time to catch important information. This is what he gets now, and how angry he is. At least he knows neither Jisung and Chenle know about Mr Park and Lia. 

He finds his shaky hands closing in fists, blood where his nails dig too hard in the skin of his palms. How fucked up is that for what he knows all the cocaine he saw at Jisung’s party might come from their fathers’ crazy mingling. 

He shivers being aware he’s the one — even if not directly, selling that shit to teens.

Jaemin feels sick, familiar cold sweat damping his clothes and he’s tired, so tired and boiling with anger, calming down before fixing his tie and walking to his next class.


	2. lunch table niceties

Jisung doesn’t have a clue about his father, and Jaemin is completely sure of it when he catches the pink haired boy getting out of his classroom laughing with Lia.

She breaks in a laugh resembling Donghyuck. How wrong it is, the girl sharing stories or jokes with Jisung as she has a ridiculous affair with a man in his late forties in the evenings. 

Mr Park could be her father — he is a father with a family he’s scattering so carelessly. 

“Hey”. 

He shoots to the vibrant low voice, shaking his thoughts off. Jeno is smiling, and Jaemin looks over where some students are staring at them, a novelty seeing them talking. 

If Jaemin’s honest he almost never spoke about anything that wasn’t stupid flirting to Jeno before that night at Jisung’s. He found him stupidly attractive, often trying to get a chance with him.Jeno politely rejected him each time, aware Jaemin usually doesn’t mean anything serious behind his charms. 

Jaemin doesn’t mind the stares, everyone could easily think they somehow bonded during summer, and he would have loved to become friends earlier with Jeno if the other simply let him.

Still, it was fun seeing Jeno’s cold glances at his old attempts to approach him. They had a positive outcome, seeing if they could be more than friends. A friendship wasn’t the right start for them. He wants to know Jeno, and not only the way they already got a taste of. 

What his hobbies are, if he likes coffee as much as he does, how is he outside of school.

Jeno –Jaemin realizes– is more than book smart, athletic and of an unreachable beauty betraying his kind smiles. He’s witty, loves to tease Renjun seeming comfortable around him and has good morals, because Jaemin can’t count on anyone to react as they did seeing Lia’s pictures. 

Someone else could have blackmailed her, exposed everything and let the whole school see. They want to report what they found, Jaemin’s hands itches whenever his finger scrolls through all the proofs they have on his computer. There is a minor’s safety involved, which happens to be Donghyuck’s sister, and as much as it heavies him he’s going to help her.

Also if Lia knew, she would be against it. Trying to protect her insane relationship; they don’t know what the man might be promising her. 

If only he could get his hands on the responses to those letters, Jaemin figures there must be a correspondence somewhere. He figures they share letters because phones are not as safe anymore, pictures easy to find and leak when teenagers are attached to their thin devices keeping all of their secrets. 

Burning some letters to ash in case someone could find out they have proof sounds safer than deleting information from your phone where evidence might remain, most likely to find a chance and get all pictures and texts back.

Jeno frowns, Jaemin has been mindlessly staring for long and looks distracted. His morning just started and he’s caught up with an illegal business his father has, marked on his diary two important tests to study for and is trying to find a reason behind a fourteen year old girl having an affair with an old man. All before his coffee can kick in the system.

Jaemin smiles, would like to kiss Jeno’s cheek in greeting. He really can’t with everyone watching, resisting to hold his hand as they start strolling outside for their lunch break.

“Let’s go, you promised me a date”. He jokes, softening his gaze and Jeno follows him.

For three days a week they have classes until four in the evening, weary inside the building walls. Except for a deserved hour to eat and rest their tired eyes and minds continuously absorbing content. 

This year their parents had no permits to sign for the first and last year, both boys of age. It is a trivial detail when they always got out with a sign on a document, thrilling the idea of having no ties to something as simple as plainly getting out of school for lunch.

It’s still warm outside, sun beaming to Jeno’s button-down sitting at a bench, surprising Jaemin as he stops him from going inside a shop buying food for themselves. 

Jeno brings out some homemade fried rice for both of them, passing an orange container and disposable chopsticks in his hands. Jaemin’s cheeks warm up, touched by the simple gesture. No one has ever done that for him.

He looks around, only spots some busy strangers meaningless to his life walking where a few shops are across the street. The youthful looking students he sees aren’t wearing their uniform and he glances at Jeno who’s smiling curiously.

“What?”. 

Jaemin leans in, taking his time for a peck on his lips. It feels good to do something so simple and pure, outside where anyone can see them. 

“Thank you”. He says happily, opening the box and his stomach growls. He is quite hungry. 

Jaemin barely eats at home, the thought itself closing his stomach in a sick grip whenever he sits at the dining table. He doesn’t remember when it was the last time he ate well without any burst of anger or sadness. Today he chuckles hearing Jeno talk about his class and there’s a content burning of his cheeks.

Freedom of eating without walking on broken glass, void of biting words and defensive answers.

Jaemin never had a serious relationship, understanding when he was sixteen there’s an easier way to satisfy himself and have fun with someone’s company, where no feelings are involved and no one gets hurt. 

Used to one night stands, leaving someone’s bed and forget it with the drag of a cigarette, a few walks of shame and post sex overthinking. He never cares for romance, sharing a hug, wanting to please someone else in bed for other reasons than his ego being told he’s good.

This, Jeno asking to spend time with him, Jaemin finding his fingers mindlessly wanting to hold and touch him is something new he thought a person like him couldn’t feel. His chopsticks are empty of food and he’s staring down at his half eaten rice.

“Don’t you like it? Sorry, I’m not the best at cooking”.

“No!”. Says alarmed Jaemin, fumbling his other hand, carefully looking around a second time when it lays on Jeno’s cheek, stroking it gently. “This is the sweetest thing someone has ever done for me, and it tastes amazing”.

Jeno scrunches his nose, legs crossed on the bench shifting to the touch, lips jutting out in a mild pout. He’s adorable, eyes innocent and highlights of dark brown showing under the strong late morning daylight. 

Jeno is handsome, and Jaemin is attracted by an invisible string pulling him in. He thought it was the secret they’re sharing, yet Jaemin wonders their night would have gone well even without that damned drawer opening under them with all its secrets to deal with. 

“You need better people around you”.

“I’m working on that”. Jaemin rests his hand on his knee. “We’re here together, aren’t we?”.

“This is pretty corny, Jaemin''. Laughs Jeno, bumping his shoulder to Jaemin’s, his head resting there and points at the container. Jaemin scoffs in a short laugh and nods, taking another bite of food.

Outside the day goes out nicely, lounging at a bench near their school. The park unfolds where kids are playing and giggling. Bright green trees not giving in to fall, light reflecting to Jaemin’s half closed lids, bare of shadows sparing them the burning sun on their skin. 

The kids high pitched laughs are lovely to his ears. Bubbly, lighthearted giggles and Jaemin’s smiles become wider with them, enjoying the body clinging to his side.

“Do you have the pendrive with you?”. Jeno asks, breaking that rare peace. Jaemin looks at his watch. They should head back to school soon, or they’re late for the next class roll call.

“I do. I’m not sure it’s safe to keep it at mine though”.

“My house then. My mother will think it’s for school or something”. Jeno shrugs “It’s not like my family carries millions or scandalous secrecy in flash drives”.

“Isn’t it worse? What if she really thinks it’s for school and then finds all that stuff? How do you explain it?”.

Jeno clicks his tongue dismissively. “She’s not the watchdog type, never looks through my stuff. I’m kind of boring Jaemin, I’m sure she still thinks I’m a virgin”.

Jaemin breaks the crease in his eyebrows with a faint smile, bumping his shoulder. “Does she know you’re gay? I don’t think I asked you if you also like girls or-”.

“No–yes. I mean, I’m gay. And my mother knows”.

Jaemin shapes his lips in a small ‘Oh’ sound, nodding in understandment. From Jeno lighthearted look, Mrs Lee is probably fine with it, and he feels relieved. 

Deep down, Jaemin envies him. He can’t imagine how liberating it is to be yourself in your household; without changing gender or names when asked about your love life. 

Jaemin sometimes shared to his mother some attempted dates he had in the past, pretending it was a girl instead of a guy he met. He never had to correct himself, none of his brief dates ended being important and relevant enough for him to come out.

If Jaemin ever says anything, he’s afraid he’d be ignored or misunderstood. Everyone in his household is too distracted by their own things, his parents almost forget they have a son there at times. He should try and tell Aretha for starters, he has a feeling she’d accept him.

Jaemin is pleasantly startled to sense Jeno’s soft lips placing on his, closing his eyes and threading fingers in his hair, bare of humid sweat. Silky as they fall in the space between his fingers. Sweet, still tasting the rice they had but he doesn’t care, kissing back and shaping lips without any rush, enjoying the nice pressure.

“It will get better, I promise you”. He says, kissing him again. “I’m guessing your parents don’t know”.

“You’re right”. Jaemin strokes their noses together, corner of his mouth lifted and staring downward at Jeno’s lips. 

No one is there to disturb them when he glances around to make sure. Jeno sighs satisfied when his palms slide his sides, getting lost in busier kisses, fanning breaths to their close faces. Jaemin hooks one finger under Jeno’s tie, traces the hickeys turning into an ill green color.

“I’m not too sure your mother thinks you're a virgin if you go around the house with all of these”. Jaemin presses a finger at a very visible bite he gave Jeno right under his Adam's apple. The black haired boy chuckles, foreheads knocking close.

Jaemin would gladly ditch class and leave with Jeno. Unfortunately they care about their grades, quietly intertwining hands on their way back, until it’s safe enough to do so. 

He’s ready to erase all the past weird date attempts and treasure this one, where it feels right to watch their synchronized steps and listening to Jeno’s pleasing voice talking about his three cats, randomly answering questions whenever there’s something popping in their minds to ask.

In the hallway he stops Jeno by the hem of his jacket, resting his back on the locker. Anything scandalous to see, yet only a fool or a very oblivious person wouldn’t notice the odd fondness of two boys not ready to part ways. Jeno’s hand closes on Jaemin’s wrist, nails gently scraping his skin.

“Favorite color?”. Jeno steadies his breath in warm puffs of air after climbing up — running the steep staircase to their floor.

“Pink”. Jaemin squeezes Jeno’s hand when the first ring bells. “Thank you for today. I actually have your mother right now, want to say hi?”.

Jaemin jokes, wanting to chuckle at the annoyed glance Jeno gives him, turning his head to the side sulking. Jaemin this time truly laughs, mindlessly leaning closer.

“We’re not doing anything wrong, and–”. Jeno widens his eyes, using Jaemin’s chest bending his knees and hiding from his mother inconveniently walking to teach a class where Jaemin should definitely be sitting in his chair.

“You were saying?”. Jaemin's sly smile screams victory. Jeno is supposed to be in class and so is he. 

It’s okay, the perfect timing proves his point and Jeno raises his hands defeated when he waves, disappearing somewhere to get an education. Jaemin doesn’t fear it too much if it’s Mrs Lee recognizing him with her son. He’s not sure if it’s just him overreacting but he smiles sheepishly at the look she gives him when he walks to class.

He sits next to Renjun, trying hard not to smirk when Jaemin opens his book and starts writing the date on his notes avoiding looking up. He’s glad he likes literature or else it’d be awkward failing Jeno’s mother’s class. As pleasing as his lunch break was, Jaemin is clearly distracted by the happy bubble, not forgetting his previous conversation with Chenle.

The first week of school passes quickly, busy with homework and avoiding his father delaying the pent up anger. Jaemin’s days are not as bad, spending his free time with Renjun and Jeno, or studying at the library for his tests instead of getting home.

Jaemin is immersed in one of his books, thumb pressing at the curving paper under his palm trying to highlight words when Chenle takes a seat across from him. Where Jaemin and Renjun are studying. 

His best friend shares a look with him, Jaemin would be surprised as well to see him in the library and approaching them if it wasn’t for the whole new situation their families have.

Chenle’s hair is damp. Must have finished practice, being on the basketball team. Renjun tells him something in chinese to which the younger answers back, the orange haired boy sliding two fancy red letters their way, their names written in each one. 

The invitations for the Zhong family’s party, and there’s another letter Chenle gives Jaemin, a heavier gaze fixed on him. He reads the name, his eyebrows frowning the younger’s way, index tracing the cursive letters.

“Give this to him as well, mh?”. Chenle says confidently before bidding goodbye, cunning in his look and Jaemin doesn’t like it one bit, about to stand up abruptly if it isn’t for Renjun holding his wrist, wide eyed as well.

“Don’t worry Jaem, I think he’s chill”.

“I just”. He presses his lips together. Renjun is not aware Chenle just did an open threat. 

Jaemin thought he had been careful. Turns out he’s not allowed to breathe outside for a second or this happens. He’s trying to shut Jaemin up, finding something he cares about to do so. “I need to check if he truly is, wait for me?”.

Their school is mostly empty in the evenings, just janitors cleaning the hallways from time to time, or students nestled in the library. Others outside doing sports or extracurricular clubs. 

Jaemin runs where Chenle is walking, clearing his throat for attention. He shows the red letter with Jeno’s name written in golden ink, moving it in front of his face.

“You’re now following me? What does this mean, Chenle?”. He asks, anger betraying the calm tone he wanted to go for. Too bad, the younger is really touching a weak spot there, and the satisfied smile Chenle makes is proof he’s successfully getting the reaction he wanted.

“I saw you two”. Chenle scoffs, grabbing the letter and moving it in his hands. “At least if you want to keep it private don’t have sex where everyone can see you. Jisung’s windows are quite wide and clean, don’t you think?”.

That’s where he saw them. Stupidly drunk for taking that long to bring them somewhere private, and Jaemin wonders where exactly did Chenle saw them. Hopefully in the living room, before they did anything serious and broke Jisung’s father’s desk.

“Enjoyed the view?”. Jaemin’s face and tone lacks humour, staring intensely at him, trying to look for his intentions. He has a hint of it, they’re not friends after all.

“Fucking left as soon as I saw”. Chenle hands him the letter, he picks it up reluctantly. “I still don’t trust you with your words. This is another way to tell you to stay quiet”.

“Kid, someone has to know if our fathers want to do business”. Jaemin smiles, narrowing his eyes and shakes his head disappointed. So much for defending his ass while his father was being an homophobic piece of shit the other day. “I told you, I don’t care what our fathers do. I despise my own too much to care”.

Jaemin moves the letter again in his hands. Fake sweet smile painting his upset face and a punch he throws at the locker behind Chenle’s spine, noticing the younger flinching caught out of guard. “See you at the party, doll”.

His mood is killed right after that small dispute, asking Renjun with almost pleading eyes to just go home. He’s relieved when Renjun simply nods, closing his books and a comforting hand rests at the small of Jaemin’s back as they walk to his chauffeur.

Renjun doesn’t say anything, cuddling with Jaemin, bringing him to his chest. They’ve been doing it since they were little, Renjun being the only one he could be softer around. Growing up, the times spent laying in bed and listening to each other’s calm breaths slowly disappeared. 

It doesn’t mean he cares less about the shorter boy with slim limbs and cold fingers permeable through the fabric of Jaemin’s shirt covering his shoulders. After what felt like the longest time they’re in Jaemin’s bed, planning to nap for a while.

Jaemin is tired. He really needs to sleep, restless and shifts various times finding the most comfortable way to lay with Renjun. 

Now they’re older it is kind of funny. Jaemin got a significant amount of centimeters taller, looking much broader clinging to Renjun. The affection and the awareness of having each other’s back is still strong when the older ruffles his blonde hair, worried face falling in a short grimacing.

“What’s going on Jaem? You can tell me anything”. Renjun has a pretty sparkle to his eyes, beaming with witty remarks, smart jokes and things he’s passionate about. Right now it’s a familiar sparkle, trembling in the pool of dark brown; he cares about him.

“I’m sorry Junie, this time I don’t think I can”. Jaemin sighs, guilty of something he didn’t do. 

There is no doubt he can trust Renjun, even the Huang’s family has done things they’re not very proud of in the past to save their reputation and wealth. That’s all they get for being thrown into this maddening playground. Where a distraction and a false move can be used for selfish reasons, any time. 

Jaemin is mad. Growing up in that environment should make them smarter, avoiding repeating the same old shit their parents do. Still they never learn. They follow their petty, dangerous steps becoming exactly the people Jaemin hates.

“What about Jeno? Is there another reason why you suddenly started dating? I had no idea he liked you”.

“No, Chenle is just using someone I’m starting to care about in his favor and…”. Jaemin hesitates, closing a fist in Renjun’s shirt. “My family can’t find out. I’m being selfish, Jeno’s mother knows he’s gay. But I don’t think he’s ready for everyone to know, we just started dating and I have someone using it against me”.

Renjun fixes his hair, combs them through his fingers, apprehensive glances his way. “But it’s going well between you two, isn’t it? You seem happy with him”.

Jaemin nods, can’t be annoyed at the teasing smile Renjun makes, tickling his sides and he chuckles, gloom pushed to the side for a moment.

“I do. He’s really something else”. Jaemin wants to shy away, if it isn’t for Renjun being the one asking. Renjun is always there for him, albeit some secrecy to things bigger than him he can’t tell. 

Jaemin and Jeno are scared enough, dealing with a trouble they accidentally found. Dragging someone else down with them and that burden wouldn’t be fair. Renjun seems peaceful these days, he wants to keep any frown out of his gentle features.

“Tell me about him. You two hoes started it off wildly, but you look pretty gooey now and I’m curious to find out what miracle Jeno did to you”.

Jaemin laughs, he starts talking about Jeno. He can omit some details — a literal case of underage and madly consensual sex. 

He shares very nice words about Jeno, playfully hitting his best friend’s chest when he jokes too much and he starts tickling Renjun, crumpling the bed sheets in a giggling mess. Jaemin is broader but Renjun’s thinner figure doesn’t stop him from winning physical fights. 

He’s grateful, for a moment he feels better, lighter before the world mercilessly crashes back on them outside of his bedroom walls.

A chance to shut his mind comes on Saturday. Taking shots in Mark’s kitchen, a wide space crowded with all the bodies gathering there, hands busy emptying bottles and mixing alcohol together. 

He’s dizzy, smoking a cigarette Donghyuck gave him, leaning against the fridge and staring at Taeil –another one of the fun university boys– joining the supposed small gathering that turned into a party. 

Taeil is showing how to make proper drinks without mixing a random bunch of stuff, exactly what they’ve been doing all night. Jaemin already lost count of the ingredients, mind clouded and lulling between Mark and Donghyuck bodies rescuing him from the slit of air coming from an open window, too small for the clouds of smoke to dissolve and clear the view.

Mark recently bought an apartment of his own, not as elegant as the Lees’ estate. To be fair the canadian boy doesn’t care about keeping up with their high end world. 

The party is fun, comfortable when Jaemin is friends with most people and he’s been laughing with Doyoung, Taeil and Kun who rarely join, sharing their university antics. 

Something Jaemin should start thinking about, having no clue what kind of career he wants to pursue. He wouldn’t mind joining Jaehyun, have him close in his life.

He gets pulled out that small haze when Donghyuck’s eyes glint, fast to greet someone, also stealing Doyoung’s presence immediately hugging the boy tightly. He takes a peek, and his heart speeds up seeing Jeno approaching, both acting a polite smile when Donghyuck moves a hand between them.

“Jaem. My best boy, I don’t think I ever introduced you to Jeno”. Jaemin smirks, finding Donghyuck’s silly steps and tripping to Mark’s space funny, the older keeping an eye on him when he swings his drink dropping half of it to the floor. 

It’s already sticky in there. Poor Mark when he’ll have to deal with the mess in the morning.

“You didn’t”. Jaemin answers as loudly as Donghyuck speaks, mocking him when music plays fairly low to hear glimpses of Yukhei and Renjun’s conversation in the living room if he focuses. Twitching an eyebrow when he sees the younger sitting on his lap. 

Renjun hasn’t exactly come out, the only difference between them is he doesn’t care if he’s seen with Yukhei, hands covering a big part of his upper thighs with how big they are compared to his skinny limbs.

“Nice to meet you”. Jaemin says, shaking Jeno’s hand who leans and furrows his eyebrows, glancing at Donghyuck.

“Jamie you said?”. 

“Jaemin”. He dazzlingly stretches his lips and Jeno’s look is the same, hands taking a few seconds too long before they end that hold. 

No one is really paying attention to them, all engaged in a story Mark shares from a match Jaemin didn’t attend. He takes the chance to push his drink to Jeno’s lips, making both them grimace. The cocktail attempt is horrible and the flavors don’t match. 

Jaemin’s fingers burn with his third cigarette.

Time passes and Jeno’s lips are bitten red, wet with alcohol and Jaemin stares as Jeno takes his hand to his lips, taking a drag of smoke wrapping his mouth prettily around it, boldly staring right at Jaemin. 

His breath itches, and conveniently the kitchen got empty. Everyone hauled where music is except for Jungwoo. Too drunk to care about them anyway, grabbing another paper cup before disappearing as well.

Jaemin opens his mouth, inhaling the smoke Jeno blows and locks their lips in a kiss, quenching the cigarette to the kitchen table’s white marble. 

Sorry Mark — he mentally says before switching position and Jeno’s back presses to the counter, tongue sliding wet where Jeno is already looking for him. They’re safe, most people in here are older and forgot high school from at least two good years now.

They’re alone, music is louder and he’s sure everyone is having a good time. Jaemin as well when Jeno pushes his knee between his legs, moaning in a swallowed sound.

He keeps the pressure there, and Jaemin grinds on Jeno’s knee, roaming hands under his white shirt, stripping him off the thick leather jacket. Jeno throws his head back, hits the cupboard and whines in pain. Jaemin’s hand immediately gets behind his head, moving his digits in circles to the hurting spot.

Jeno gives him a look, and despite pulling Jaemin closer with palms spread to his ass it’s soft the way he kisses him instead, untucking his shirt from the belt to get his hands under it. 

Jaemin hums, hooks and slides his index under the line of Jeno’s boxers, getting a lovely moan rumbling in his neck where Jeno is sucking another bruise that will stay on for the whole week.

“Touchy”. Whispers Jeno, tongue plainly licking and nibbling at the skin, too busy gaping when Jaemin finds slick right inside his pants, closing his hand on Jeno’s length. 

They need to stop, or someone is definitely going to find them. There’s something thrilling they like about it, and they’re crazy for that, soaking their closeness longer. He also thinks of Chenle, who albeit being an asshole is definitely not a homophobe, and someone else here might be.

“We should move somewhere else”.

Jeno stills Jaemin’s hand stroking his dick, encouraging him to continue. Jaemin takes it out, blinking twice bewildered and Jeno makes an impatient sound that has him laugh. He pleases him again, their position compromising before anyone can see how much.

“Now? Can’t we just lock the–oh, this is good”. Jeno is panting, whispering and digging his nails in Jaemin’s nape. 

“It looks suspicious if we lock the door, Jeno”. Jaemin keeps chuckling, kissing his sweaty temple. “Let’s get in my car”.

“But your driver”. 

“I drove here myself”. 

Jeno looks at him, red cheeks and disheveled hair strands falling everywhere. He’s beautiful.

  
  
  


“First of all” Jaemin says, pushing Jeno to lay on the backseat. “We’re not fucking”. 

He unzips Jeno’s pants, strips him of his clothes and gets back where they left, his hands cold making Jeno jerk his hips.

“Why”. Jeno is throbbing, painfully hard his legs twitch. For Jaemin’s touches, for the freezing air cooling the car, the night chilly. He bites the boy’s thigh, moving his tongue closer to his crotch, leaving a few bruises there.

He wraps his mouth to Jeno’s shaft, looks up and it is an answer to Jeno’s simple question. 

They won’t have sex, it doesn’t mean he can’t please Jeno who seems impatient, spine arching to his lips and Jaemin leaves a languid lick there. “Stay still”.

Jaemin wants to have some fun teasing Jeno, blowing him and reaching as far as he can until the boy shakes under him. Jeno’s fingers curl in his hair and try to push him at his own pace, Jaemin pulling out with a smirk every time. 

Jeno complains, whines not really belonging to pleasure and more to growing annoyance. The full blown laugh Jaemin makes has the other half sitting, glaring at him and steading his upper body by propping his forearms on the backseat fabric.

“You’re so mean. First you won’t even fuck me and then you’ve mistaken me for a lollipop”.

Jaemin keeps laughing, takes a long wet strip with his tongue where Jeno really is hard, and the small graze at his inner thigh makes him close his legs around Jaemin’s face.

“And don’t make fun of me”.

“I’m not”. Jaemin giggles, grabbing Jeno’s legs better and blows him again a few times. “You’re adorable, I’m sorry, I’ll make you cum I promise”.

“Don’t say stuff like that it’s embarrassing”. Jeno whines but he’s laughing too, face tensing with something Jaemin does with his tongue, and this time when his hands push at his head Jaemin lets him. Swallowing Jeno’s high, soothing his thighs that are closing again around his head, hips up and moaning satisfied.

Jaemin rests his cheek to Jeno’s stomach, listening to the uneven breath, face sinking with his skin and he opens a palm for Jeno to hold his hand. His position is uncomfortable, half laying and half pressing his right leg down to not fall down the backseat’s space. 

He still has no intention to get up or point that out to Jeno. The car he brought tonight is a less flashy one, smaller size and he regrets the choice. 

Jaemin can’t tell why they’re both shy as Jaemin decides to dress Jeno. Locking eyes when he closes the button of jeans, Jeno timidly smiles at him before he crawls to his lap, nose dipping in his neck.

“You smell good”. Jeno mumbles, straddling the boy circling his arms around his neck. 

Jaemin fixes his messy hair quietly, features washed out by darkness and some yellowish street lights outside their small bubble light the vehicle inside. What a surprise Jeno is, completely different than what he expected. A bright boy able to make his heart so light.

“Are you really okay with all of this''. Jaemin wants to make sure. It is rushed, they started dating a week ago and he’s still unsure how they got here. 

“This isn’t for Jisung’s father, right? I don’t want you to feel forced to be attached to me in any way. I promise I won't say a thing, and we can be friends. No hard feelings''.

It stings saying it, Jaemin is honest. He’d feel terrible if Jeno is doing it to keep an eye on him.

“Jaemin”. Jeno cups his cheeks, baffled as he shakes his head. “I liked you long before we did anything last week. I’ve had a crush on you since last year, sorta”.

Jeno timidly pats his chest, scoffing a laugh. “I wouldn’t have thrown myself at you if I didn’t like you, I’m not the type to fool around. I wanted to approach you differently, but people are shit and with all the gossip I thought it wasn’t a good idea. That’s why I tried so hard to act cold when you were flirting with me. You’re not as subtle as you think you are”.

He laughs, taking in everything Jeno said, kissing the back of his hand. 

Jeno liking him sounds insane. He was prepared for physical attraction, that was there, despite Jeno’s eye rolls or blatantly ignoring him. Turns out he was simply trying to not give in. 

“You’re crazy for liking me, I’m seriously lame”.

“Charismatic, knows how to talk with people, smart”. Jeno presses closer to his chest, bites his lobe teasingly, grinding on him. “Sexy”.

“Hey”. Jaemin warns, doing nothing to detach, shutting his eyes at another mark that will bloom under his ear. 

“And there’s more, you’re actually plenty interesting. And kind, this is something I learned recently”.

Jeno opens the car door, climbs out stretching a hand for Jaemin to take, dark eyes flashing happiness when he intertwines their hands together.

“Let’s go, I’m sure Hyuck is wondering where we are”.

The face he makes before pulling Jeno in one last slow kiss would be enough for Renjun to make fun of him for the entirety of the next three months, all lost gazes and heart picking an odd pace, biting his lips realizing he really likes Jeno Lee.

The night consumes drunk and stupid, Mark screaming and Jaemin points his elbow to Jeno when he sees Renjun and Yukhei making out on the couch. Jeno stops him from taking a picture to send to his best friend, reminding him of his glorious ‘hoe moments’ for the future. 

Mark overhears their conversation and starts giggling madly, Donghyuck too drunk to even register Jeno and Jaemin are too friendly for being two supposed strangers. Jaemin is happy seeing how much acceptance there’s in a room for the two kissing boys.

Doyoung at one point narrows his eyes his way, holding Taeil in his lap; there’s no other space to sit other than the floor. Doyoung threatens he’s keeping an eye on him, claiming Jeno is like his own little brother and he’s protective.

Jaemin raises his hands defeated, eyes looking for help but Jeno is just laughing at the scene. Apparently he told the older they’re dating, saying him and Doyoung are very close friends and he ends up sharing a lot with him. Jaemin trusts them.

They drank a lot. Mark offers them his guest room to sleep, wasted to question everything. 

Jaemin obviously has a chauffeur paid to pick him up at any hour, or they could easily take a cab but what Mark focuses on is mumbling something about them being strangers and it’s weird for them to sleep together, so they can “Make a pillow barrier or something” if they feel awkward. 

They tell him it’s fine, and Jaemin sits at the end of the bed opening his leg for Jeno to settle in between on top of him. Jaemin snorts thinking of Mark’s words right when his tongue is licking the roof of Jeno’s mouth. He keeps laughing after Jeno’s grimacing.

The boy grabs a pillow, covers Jaemin’s face with it but fails at escaping when the blonde grabs the back of his thighs, keeping him close.

“Where are you going”. Jaemin’s voice is hushed by the puffy pillow blocking his voice, tackled down by Jeno who does have some muscles and strength to keep up with him. 

They switch positions after a few attempts, freeing his face from the stuffy fabric. Jeno lifts his head to lick his bottom lip, sneaking a leg on Jaemin’s waist pushing him down, both making a pained groan at the rough contact.

“Mark is right, we should make a pillow barrier, you’re too clingy”.

“Says the one pushing me to his chest”. Jaemin discards Jeno’s shirt on the floor, head light on the drunk side. Mapping lips with hickeys on Jeno’s pale chest, fingers and face sliding down tracing the line of his abs.

“No funny business at Mark’s place”. Warns Jeno, Jaemin huffing a warm puff of air where his bare skin meets the boy’s jeans, looking up.

“But we have a bed”.

“But this is Mark’s new apartment”. He brings Jaemin to a face level, lying to the side and Jeno guides his head to his chest, where his skin is covered in goosebumps. 

The night is cold, temperature dropping fast after a not so good day of sun warming the asphalt and consuming their shoes’ soles.

“We never got to finish what we started at Jisung’s party. That could have been the best hookup I’ve ever had, no jokes”. Jaemin makes a stupid face, supposed to be conving and it just makes Jeno squeeze his eyes happily.

“Silly, we have all the time for that”. Jeno comes closer to his face, whispering. “And if you want it that rough again, it’s okay, I dig it as well”.

“Jeno”. Jaemin whines, distressed by the boy’s addicting and sudden attitude. “You can’t say these things and then tell me we won’t do anything”.

“Not on Mark’s bed. Apparently not in your car because you're cheating on me to keep her clean”.

“Fine”. Jaemin jokes, not really when he waits for Jeno, standing up on his knees to the bed. “Come on, we’re going in my car”.

“Oh my god. I’m kidding Jaemin, you’re impossible”. Jeno covers his face with his hands, knees up and curling in a small ball, enjoying that funny banter. 

When Jaemin lays on the mattress, he covers Jeno with the duvet. Hugging him better, eyelids easily heavy and drifting to sleep.

  
  
  
  
  


He wakes up with a terrible migraine, amplified by the armor piercing sound of his phone, ringing voidly in an attempt to stretch his arm and answer whoever is calling him. 

Jeno shifts next to him, groaning tired and clings. Freezing and sticking with the sensation of being lost, smelling of alcohol and the need of a shower as soon as possible.

“Hm?”.

“Don’t tell me you're still at Mark’s. We have lunch together, idiot. Move, I'm at yours”.

Donghyuck answers, voice an inch impatient and way too vibrant for his confusing awakening. 

How could Jaemin forget, today is the most relevant lunch of the normal useless Sundays where his parents invite the Lees or anyone who has ties with his father’s business to impress. Showing they’re a good family and hosts or whatever.

He sits up, rubbing his eyes so roughly he could lose eyesight and he sees stars everywhere in the room for a few seconds. He’s shivering, Jeno still sleepy extending his arm to find him, nose scrunching with a sniffling sound.

“Come here”.

“Sorry baby, I need to go”. Jaemin bites his bottom lip at the pet name slipping. He strokes Jeno’s cheek, looking pale and littered with hickeys. He yawns, blinking eyes looking at Jaemin questiongly.

“Lunch with Donghyuck, and Lia. Maybe today can be helpful for us”. 

“Okay”. Jeno hums, grabbing weakly the collar of Jaemin’s shirt and pulls him down for a kiss. “Text me later''.

Jeno’s voice is husky, still more asleep than awake, eyes closing as soon as Jaemin gets up and leaves the room. He spots Mark in the living room trying to clean some alcohol off the floor and asks him to check on Jeno and wake him later. 

Mark jokes about them becoming best friends after one night spent together and Jaemin laughs, hands in his pockets and some lonely amused steps to his car. If only Mark knew the rest of it.

Donghyuck is quite a valuable person, and Jaemin is extremely grateful when he grabs him unceremoniously from his car as soon as he parks outside, hiding him in his bedroom before anyone can see him. Sharp in time and earlier than ever. 

“I’ll pick an outfit for you. Go shower, you stink”. 

Jaemin glares at him, clutching at his baby blue bathrobe before disappearing under the shower. 

Donghyuck gives him a pointed look when Jaemin is buttoning his shirt, smacking lips together tinted with faint shades of a red lipstick judging his marked skin. Jaemin shrugs, they were drunk and gone a few hours prior at Mark’s place. 

He takes in Donghyuck’s tidy look as he’s fixing Jaemin’s tie with practiced ease. 

“Better”.

Sundays are Jaemin’s favorite days at their lunch table, for various reasons not necessarily connected between them. 

They have a catering company working to make a menu for them and whoever is visiting, and usually it’s the Lees since their fathers collaborated for a new model of cars they designed together. 

His mother shows up, of course she does when they need to act like the happy family they aren’t, and back then he enjoyed Jaehyun’s lack of enthusiasm that made things spicy between lunch niceties and good wine. At least it was fun not being the one causing trouble for once.

The long dining table shines under opened windows and a silky tablecloth decorated in white and pink flowers, taking place after greeting Donghyuck's parents and Lia. Cheeks meet briefly accompanied by the usual compliments Mrs Lee spoils Jaemin with, too kind. 

Lia hugs him, aloof in that hold, polite smile and thin features similar to Donghyuck smiling at him, same heart shaped lips showing her straight line of white teeth. 

She looks older for her age. Not in her youthful looks — it's in the way she acts. Calculating and moving how she is meant to on these occasions meant to show off their wealth.

Jaemin only ever witnessed her composed movements, he doesn’t have a clear picture of the girl and she sits at their dining table almost every weekend for years.

Luckily for them, both families are fairly warm to each other. Jaemin grew up and frequented the same environments as Donghyuck since they were kids. They're somewhat close, and Jaemin can't take his eyes off Lia since they started lunch, more talking and catching up than eating, inspecting her hiding his face behind a glass of red wine. 

She’s standing across from him, drinking a chalice of water too young for alcohol –at least in public–. Warm brown curls at the ends of her hair, uncovering the sun kissed skin of her shoulders, contrasting with the bright white of her dress.

Pure, innocent, that's how she looks smiling and receiving praises from Jaemin’s mother about her excellent grades, being the best student between second year's. 

Jaemin’s mind of course travels back to the pictures he saw, and the content of all those letters. The thought of such a small and thin girl like Lia indulging Mr Park makes him swallow down all of the wine in his glass with one big gulp, avoiding the upcoming hiss when it burns in his closed throat.

Donghyuck kicks his shin under the table, a look that means so much — stop it, we just started, at least wait after the first course is done. Jaemin wants to scream, tell him what his sister is up to. What an unhappy lunch would it be if he finds out. 

Recently his family toned it down with all those Sunday lunches, busy with summer holidays and his mother’s depression doesn’t allow them to have guests without opening the curtains to what really goes on inside their glass like lives. Beautiful at a first glance, shining and so fragile to get scrapes and break, needing to be handled with care if possible.

“Jaemin, I heard you're not on the swimming team anymore”. Donghyuck's father asks, straightening his back at his name being called into conversation.

“I want to focus on this year’s exams at my best, it’s not like we were going anywhere with our team. The younger students seem promising though, I’m gladly coaching them”.

“As expected from Jaemin”. Says proudly Mrs Lee, and he can’t help but genuinely smile at the woman. She always had an out of place but reassuring trust towards him, never sparing some nice words. Looking happy to see him and Donghyuck being friendly when they come over.

Jaemin turns to Lia, courtesy of a smile. “I heard you’re following Hyuck’s steps, dancing team right?”.

Lia nods, taps her mouth shaded with the same lipstick of her brother on an embroidered napkin, the good ones they use for guests.

“It's fun to meet Hyuck during practice”. 

Dancing team, where Jisung is also a part of it. Jaemin finds it odd how the two got closer recently, seeing them laugh all happily not too many days ago. 

He knows Chenle spends time with Lia as well, and the picture keeps getting complex, trying to reason what he sees. It might be convenient befriending your supposed lover’s son, trying to win him over for something Jaemin can't understand.

They mention the Zhong’s family party coming up during the week. Jaemin tenses up until his father doesn’t make any unfortunate comment regarding their fight, hopefully Jaemin’s strong reaction was the key to make him understand saying his shitty opinion gives him trouble. 

Jaemin attends a school of ‘good morals’, ‘no discrimination’. How stupid it sounds when he’s heard people being openly ignorant, wanting to fool around with someone like Jeno just because he doesn’t have their same money worth in his family’s accounts. 

Considering him some kind of entertainment when he’s the only person there deserving of his achievements.

It makes him angry, the hypocrisy of everything surrounding them. It costs nothing to be a decent person and it seems impossible crossing paths with kinder souls from time to time, in a school built on social status judgment masked with a result of convenient facades to be accepted in their restricted society.

Sun shines behind his eyes when he closes them, chirping birds and cheeks burning with the evening, lying on a sunbed outside by the swimming pool.

He’s satisfied, dodged uncomfortable topics just fine and overall he didn’t want to get up and leave as many times. Loosening the hold of his tie to breath, where Jeno’s lips bruising his neck get exposed under the clear light.

Donghyuck lays next to him, black sunglasses covering half of his face, sipping the lemonade Aretha kindly offered them. There’s no decency in the way he opens his white blouse and manspreads, tanned skin gloriously beaming, as if his body belongs to summer.

Jaemin’t can’t say the same about himself. He’s born in August, albeit he’d gladly avoid any light worsening his migraine and hangover strong in a hazing rest of his sore muscles, squeezing tired eyes after drinking during lunch to bear with it.

His stomach twists thinking of the weird mixes of vodka, rum, weirdly flavored poison he didn’t puke last night. They made him reckless enough to get stuck in uncomfortable positions just to suck Jeno off, which he wants to laugh at. What a night.

“You were drunk as shit yesterday, how are you so active today?”.

Donghyuck pushes his glasses at the tip of his nose, beautifully shaped taunting in a look.

“I was fine, and I clearly remember you stealing my friend away”. Donghyuck rests his spine on the sunbed. “I didn’t know Jeno was your type”.

“How do you know we’re dating?”. Jaemin says surprised, sitting up looking at Donghyuck when this time he actually removes his sunglasses, shocked.

“You’re what now? I thought you guys were hooking up”. He shakes his head “Since when are you exactly dating?”.

Jaemin wonders if he can consider the past week as dating. They didn’t get to be together as much as he wanted, holding each other only a few minutes between classes if they were able to meet in a safe space. 

The night they spent is a taste of how good it could be having time with Jeno. He adores his company; it’s comfortable. Jaemin doesn’t have to overly impress Jeno, he doesn’t fall for his wealth and that is good for starters when Jaemin was never planning to buy him with his family’s money. 

They fall in each other’s spaces just fine, there’s never a dull moment with Jeno.

“About a week”.

Donghyuck opens his mouth, a dramatically betrayed sound and expressions belonging to a cheap telenovela scene. “So you’re telling me I introduced two people that are already dating. There really is a first time for everything”. 

Jaemin laughs, funny if he puts it that way. Shaking hands with Jeno and pretending to memorize their names in that recital was amusing for both of them. 

“Sorry”. He says unapologetically, shrugging in a chuckle.

“I’m relieved it’s you, though”. Donghyuck slides to the sunbed. “Hopefully you’re serious, whatever you guys have”.

“I hope it is”. Jaemin glances at his nails digging in his digits, ruining the skin. “I’d like for it to stay between us, if you can. Only Renjun knows”.

“Ah, Renjun”. Donghyuck bites his lip, stealing a glance at Jaemin's way and it’s a treat seeing the bold boy blushing for once. 

He recalls his best friend making out with Yukhei last night, having a glance of the unexplainable relationship the two have. Jaemin recognizes a brief sadness or defeat in the other’s eyes, confusing. If only one of them spoke about whatever happened.

Jaemin looks ahead of him. Trees drawn on water’s reflection mixed with the light blue of the pool’s walls, their parents and Lia left behind chatting about something they can’t hear where they are. Jaemin reminds he has things to achieve from today’s lunch.

“What about Lia? I see her often with Jisung these days”.

“Jaemin”. Donghyuck smirks. “Jisung is literally gay, his boyfriend’s family is organizing a whole ass party for them”.

“That’s not what I mean”. Jaemin sighs, cheeks inflated and it makes the other cackle. 

There’s no one else enjoying Jaemin losing his patience as much as Donghyuck does, putting an extra effort twisting his words all the time. “They seem close”.

“Why so interested?”.

Jaemin moves his hand dismissively. “We’re leaving this school soon, it’s nice to see what the youngsters are up to”.

Donghyuck makes a sound in approval, falling quiet, only hearing him sucking the straw to the last drops of lemonade, noisy at the bottom of his glass. 

They are so young, yet lives like theirs give you many chances, experiences making you believe you lived more than your age. 

Whenever Jaemin meets someone who is not like him they always point that out, how it looks like he’s lived three more lives than them. They have different hobbies, easily bored when they have anything they want. 

Nothing stops them, and when everything becomes dull to a youthful mind, it isn’t that getting in trouble.

“Lia. She’s weird recently”. Donghyuck says, more to himself than Jaemin. It has his attention. “I think growing up does that to you. I still view her as my little sister when she’s slowly becoming older, I should stop worrying so much”.

“How so?”.

“She’s barely home, has those little secrets with her friends. I just hope she’s being responsible whatever she does in her free time. I can’t complain, I was the same as her at her age”.

“Yeah, now you’re worse”. Jaemin jokes and Donghyuck playfully pushes him, losing balance and almost falling in the pool. 

Jaemin is unsure Donghyuck would have gotten himself a forty years old lover at Lia’s age, if he’s honest.

She comes out in the garden that moment, house keys and a keychain looking awfully like a flash drive, or Jaemin’s quick glance is deceiving him. Her dress flutters with the light steps she makes where Donghyuck sits, pecking his cheek sweetly. 

She also does the same meeting of cheeks to him but it isn’t as genuine. Completely out of courtesy and he can’t blame her.

“I’m going, thank you for inviting us”.

“Always a pleasure”. Jaemin raises his martini, boiling hot but it’s still good. Out of his parents eyes he can keep drinking up his sorrows. 

What those are, he’s not sure, there’s so much to unpack.

“Wait, where are you going?”. Donghyuck stops her from slipping away, holding her hand. 

Seeing them together is interesting. Lia has delicate features but overall if Donghyuck puts a wig on they could look like twins. Of course the boy’s thighs are firmer, legs longer and impressive body proportions. No wonder Renjun has a crush he’s not admitting to the point he ends up kissing someone else when they were in the same space.

“At Jisung’s, won’t get back home for dinner. Don't wait for me”. She squeezes Donghyuck’s hand, fast steps to the path where the gateway is opening for her to exit.

“Hey! Be careful, text me when you’re heading back”.

She gives him a thumbs up, then blows a kiss in their direction. Donghyuck shakes his head, Jaemin’s fingers itching to play Sherlock Holmes. It’s bigger than him, and really needs something that could help him and Jeno put together the pieces they have.

He excuses himself to the bathroom. Is dangerous texting someone with his friend in sight. 

Donghyuck is able to snatch his phone out of his hands and see who’s stealing the attention on him at any time. He did it once when he was sixteen, the time he discovered Jaemin was hooking up with guys. And he was cursed seeing at his own fault Jaemin sexting with a boy from their school.

Jaemin can’t trust Donghyuck won’t sneak a glance again, not when it’s something a lot more important than where he’ll put his dick.

He sits on the closed lid of the toilet, thumbs fast typing on the cracked screen of his phone. 

Jaemin dropped it yesterday somewhere, he doesn’t even remember but now it’s broken and he has to work with what he has.

**To:** Injunie

_hey_

_i need a favor_

_a biggg one_

_can u pretend to be asking chenle to hang out?_

_he’s a piece of shit but you’re friends with him_

_i’m not mad if u do <3 _

Of course his best friend is a satisfyingly fast replier, used to Jaemin’s love for random messages and conversations. Unlike Jeno, not much of a texter adding to why it feels like he hasn’t seen him much this week. Boy doesn’t even know what an emoji is.

  
  


**From** : Injunie

_first of all_

_that heart is a no_

_i want no hearts_

_if chenle asks me to hang out fr_

_i’m busy!!_

_but yeah sure wait_

  
  


Jaemin waits. Taps his foot to the white floor at a jittery pace, starting to think of reasonable excuses for taking so long in the bathroom to tell Donghyuck when he comes out. It’s a big house, it takes a while to get there, he feels sick because he’s been drinking his body weight in alcohol since yesterday, ate something funny at lunch — his phone finally rings.

  
  


**To** : Injunie

_busy doing what??_

_if ur not getting wild with mr jock_

_(btw wtf!!) he’s hot_

_k don’t distract_

_anyways if ur not with him then_

_u can’t tell me_

_ur busy, i don’t buy it_

  
  
  


**From** : Injunie

_u distracted urself dumb fuck_

_chenle answered_

_said he’s tasting cakes w jisung_

_and his mom for the party_

_these bitches look like they’re getting married_

_also said jisung is spending the night w him_

_basically told me to fuck off_

_with kindness_

_are u happy now criminal minds cast wannabe??_

  
  


Jaemin snorts at the continuous buzzing of his phone, writing his answer.

  
  
  
  


**To** : Injunie

_jesus how much do u type_

_yes thank u_

_i was doing older bro duties_

_for a sister who’s not my sister_

_let me know about yukhei tho_

  
  


**From** : Injunie

_extra gossip_

_ik u don’t care_

_it’s about the hags_

_jisung’s dad just got back_

_from his business trip_

_for the new park campaign_

_the watches line they have_

  
  


**To** : Injunie

_fancy_

_and oh great_

_another useless party to attend_

  
  


**From** : Injunie

_knew it lmao_

_now_

_yukhei is actually coming here so,,,,_

_bye ! ;)_

  
  


Jaemin almost drops his phone, replying how much of a traitor Renjun is before calming down and being proud of all he’s got. 

Lia’s flash drive at her keychain — not sure if it is relevant; Jisung is not home, Mrs Park is still out of town and Lia is definitely going to an evening with Jisung’s father. Whatever they have, it’s still going on, and Jaemin suddenly wants to check the dates of the letters.

“It’s okay, my mother is not home”. Jeno opens the door of his house, Jaemin timidly following him inside. 

They were at school when Jaemin told him he wanted to talk about the recent Sunday events, asking to find somewhere safe they could bring everything up. 

Jeno has a neat garden, a perfect square of green bushes and he spots two smaller balconies connected to two rooms. 

It’s a modest house, for Jaemin used to useless big spaces but it looks nice. Homey, like a house should be. Clothes hanging, a board with sticky notes and appointments written down, personal items. No chandeliers and expensive furniture making everything aseptic, as if someone doesn’t live there and Jaemin’s house is supposed to be a museum. Feels real.

Jaemin figures one of the balconies belongs to Jeno’s bedroom. A bed with blue sheets, a long bookshelf and his desk has a tall stack of books and binders occupying its surface. 

There are a few pictures pinned at the walls, Jaemin’s attention falls to one with a girl. She has Jeno’s same smile and happy wrinkling around her eyes, looking taller with jet black hair. He also notices Jeno looks a lot younger in the photo, around middle school age.

“Do you have a sister?”. Jaemin asks, turning where Jeno sits at the end of his bed, duvet rustling with his weight.

“Had”. Jeno says, a sad smile as he gladly takes Jaemin’s hand taking place next to him. “She passed away five years ago. A car crash”.

“Jeno”. Jaemin barely whispers, Jeno’s smooth skin of his cheek under his thumb. He hugs him, Jeno hooking his chin on his shoulder, lulling in the silence.

“We were in shambles. My parents had recently divorced, we lived in the most dysfunctional apartment for my last year of middle school, after the funeral and everything”. 

Jeno’s voice is low, as if talking louder will make him flee from Jaemin, never leaving his shoulder. Jaemin keeps soothing his back, hugging him closer trying to radiate any sort of comfort he can take. 

Jeno sounds calm, and there’s so much sadness at the bottom of his words, clear how much he suffered.

“I’m so sorry, Jen”. Jaemin really is at loss for words. He listens to the boy’s calm breathing before he starts speaking again. Give him time or end it there if he’s not ready.

“We were afraid about my education for some time. Where the money for high school would come from, my father really turned his back to us. He only cares about his new little family. He really left us when we needed to to be a family the most”. 

Jaemin’s hold is tight. He’s so thankful he can hug Jeno, that's the only effective or right way to let him understand Jaemin is there for him. He had no idea Jeno went through all of this, nobody really knows anything about him. Jaemin is relieved nobody does, no mean mouths can speak dirt on Jeno’s life this way.

“My mother had a high graduatory for her teaching position, and my middle school headteacher suggested she should try to apply for private schools. Neo Culture was the first one to accept her, and my grades were excellent to let me study here with a scholarship, everyone knows the rest of it. It got better at the end, look at his house. My mother worked so hard for me, I’m trying to pay it off with what I can do”.

“I’m glad you’re here. I wish we could have been friends sooner, I had no idea Jeno. You’re strong, such a strong person, really”. Jaemin feels a light peck on his shoulder, swinging their tangled bodies.

“I was hurt. I used to tell my sister everything and suddenly I had no one to talk to, becoming a real misfit being so different from all of you”.

“You’re not. Jeno, you’re better than most of the people at our school. And who treats you as a misfit is an asshole, unfortunately there are many here”.

Jeno huffs, an amused one. He pulls just to cup Jaemin’s cheeks, playing with the shell of his ears.

“I would have definitely told her about you. I met Doyoung at an open day at his university and we became friends, that’s why I tell him everything. It feels good when he treats me like an actual younger brother”.

Jaemin tilts his head fondly, lingering a long kiss to his cheek. “I know I’m nearly a stranger, but for anything, you can talk to me. I’d like to be that person for you. We’re working on it, aren’t we?”.

Jeno nods, holding both of Jaemin’s hands, getting up. “I’ll keep that in mind. We are working on it and I think it’s going well for now”.

He slides his hands to the fabric of Jaemin’s uniform, fingers bumping to the buttons. Fitting his palms around his middle, looking up at him. 

Jaemin nods back, lips pressed together in a short kiss too nice to break it with the actual reason why they got in Jeno’s room in the first place. He eventually does, they don’t have much time.

“Want to know what I found out?”.

Jaemin starts explaining. From the keychain looking like a flash drive Lia obviously keeps with her at all times. Probably something very important she’s not afraid to keep around Mr Park. 

Her recent closeness with Jisung and how Donghyuck said she’s been odd recently. Jeno also gives him a pointed look that is meant to silently ask if he was careful and didn’t say anything weird that could make Donghyuck suspicious, but Jaemin has been very careful. 

Lia blatantly lied, Jisung was with Chenle tasting cakes and what else could she be doing at the Park’s mansion if not being with Mr Park who conveniently just got home from his trip.

“As absurd as it sounds, there’s really some sort of relationship behind this”. 

Jeno is biting his pencil, school books spread open in the living room in case his mother comes home and they can just pretend to be studying. “I mean, he can’t use Lia’s pictures as blackmail or he’d go straight up to court”.

Jaemin wiggles his nose in distaste, the idea of a genuine relationship disturbs him. 

Although Jeno is right. There's no way he can use Lia’s picture against her or Donghyuck's family without getting in huge trouble as well. He takes out the printed letters from his bag and the red letter of Chenle slides to the bed, Jeno’s name in sight.

“What’s that?”. Jeno asks curiously, taking the piece of thick paper in his hands. Jaemin sighs, it was about to happen anyway.

“For a party, Chenle invited us”. Jaemin fingers lightly tap against Jeno’s, biting his lips nervously. 

“It’s not as nice as it sounds. He uhm, saw us. And there’s a thing he holds against my family and this is his way to encourage me staying quiet. I want to be honest with you, Jeno”. 

Jaemin holds his hand. “Chenle doesn’t like me, these are things that happen all the time to families like ours. He might be gay but that would not stop him from exposing us if he needs to. You can still come with me, if you want me even when it means dealing with these things”.

If Jeno can open his heart and share his personal life with Jaemin then he needs to be less selfish and put his cards on the table, as ugly as they are. It is risky for Jeno to be with him, at least now he knows.

“Are you in any kind of trouble?”. Asks Jeno, frowning between his lovely eyes Jaemin wants to kiss away. It isn’t fair, tiptoeing around his feelings all the time.

“Not me. My father on the other hand...”. Jaemin almost laughs bitterly. For once his only guilt if having a shitty father, something he can’t control. Jeno nods, fixing his slippery glasses.

“Then I’d love to come with you”.

  
  


The Zhong’s estate is all lightened up on a casual Thursday evening, lights guiding their fancy shoes through the pathway after a security guard checks their names on the list and lets them in. 

The chinese boy’s mother has a love for fountains, that one’s clear with the amount of water plays splashing the space of their gardens, water colored in lights and Jeno seems both uneasy and fascinated. 

Jaemin smiles, he looks amazing. After a lot of complaining him and Aretha faced persuading him it is okay to be spoiled sometimes. Jeno wears a black suit they bought at Jaemin’s favorite tailoring where he trusts all the employers; his specific taste for fancy clothing to show off on these foolish nights is well respected. 

He’s wearing a velvety suit, a bit flashy but who cares, it compliments his blonde locks.

He’d love to hold Jeno’s hand, walk in together as his date and not a school friend like he ends up introducing him to his parents. They attend not too long after entering the excessive ballroom.

All soft tones, pink and cream colors in the decorations of the room, waiters moving around with flutes of champagne and wine. Jaemin snags a drink for him and Jeno. He clinks their glasses together, winking slyly when Jeno hesitates to drink.

“Trust me, you’ll need it”.

Jeno is handsome. He leaves his glasses at home and Jaemin’s attention falters by how warm and sparkly the boy’s eyes are under the important chandelier lights, crystal drops hanging from the high ceilings. 

His hair is styled, parted in the middle and forehead showing off. Jaemin always finds beauty in Jeno, tonight he’s a treat for everyone’s eyes, and more times than said Jaemin protectively holds his back strolling in the room as some people check Jeno out.

They spot Renjun, roped by Chenle’s mother and smiling politely. Stripped of cocky looks, sounding too mellow he hears Jeno chuckle next to him, probably finding the whole scene funny as well. They know Renjun is completely different outside these occasions; still sweet for sure, without considering all the dry remarks.

Fancy nights serve as chances for a business network. Jaemin navigates through some dignified names of headteachers of different prestigious universities, engaging conversations with professors his father knows. 

Jaemin doesn’t really care about going to university, neither keeping up with his studies. If that means he can create his own future and study far away from home like Jaehyun did, then he’s all in for that. Regardless, he introduces Jeno to every important face he shakes hands with, and brags a little about the boy’s grades and skills.

Jeno takes him by his sleeve and hides them behind a wide column, in a darker corner of the ballroom. Jaemin notices his pink cheeks, contrasting with how serious the nervous frown he sports is.

“You don’t have to do all of this”. 

Jaemin smiles, fixes Jeno’s collar and takes the chance to caress the bare skin of his neck, locking eyes.

“Can’t I be proud of my smart date? It’s nothing, and I like to introduce you to everyone”. 

Jaemin pursues his lips, a small glance where Renjun notices them and links his arm with another mother to impress, leaving them space. He winks his thanks in his direction. “Also, there are too many people thinking you look very handsome tonight”.

“I only want you to think I’m handsome”. Jaemin’s stomach does a funny twist, carefully pressing his lips to the boy’s jaw. They’re impossible, and he’s not surprised their friends already caught up with their relationship.

“I think of it every day, no suit needed. Don’t worry, beautiful”. He gives a nudge to his arm, the first sincere smile of the night only for him. “My mother said she’d like to have a chat with us as well, let’s go”.

As the night goes on, Jeno seems less nervous, sharing some smiles he recognizes as genuine talking with Renjun’s father, his best friend’s parents also familiar with Jeno’s face.

They take their time to treat Jaemin with that friendly and light manner he adores, teasing him as well. He usually enjoys staying at the Huang’s — hearing Renjun loudly complaining in chinese during meals and his mother answering with that same biting tone is confusing and entertaining at the same time.

Jeno excuses himself to the bathroom and Jaemin chats with his mother who chirps about how handsome and kind Jeno is, nice to see her smiling for once. 

Jaemin looks around the room for a while. Several minutes are passing and he is about to go and look for his night’s company before Jeno appears again, sheepishingly telling him he got lost on the way back. He makes a weird smile Jaemin doesn’t take too seriously, he's probably still nervous. 

The Zhong’s estate is excessively big, he kind of relates, feeling microscopic in the wide room.

They get distracted by Chenle’s mother tapping the microphone, starting to greet and thank everyone for coming to the party. 

Chenle stays next to her, orange hair styled back and a restless look when he calls Jisung and advances in the middle of the room where everyone is gathered, stretching a shaky hand for his taller boyfriend to take. He takes a loud deep breath.

“I don’t know exactly how to say this. I tried rehearsing it in my head for days and I think it’s best to, ehm”. 

Jaemin can’t avoid the shocked gasp mingling with everyone else’s surprise when Chenle bends on one knee, opening a tiny blue box kept in his pocket to reveal a demanding ring, diamond glowing under the lights and Jisung’s trembling eyes.

A white gold band — a promise ring. An engagement ring, no one is sure, the two boyfriends are just staring lovingly at the other without saying anything. Jisung’s eyes are confused and not expecting the night to take such an important turn. 

They’re young but they have a secured future and stability, their only concern should be keeping that relationship as strong as it is now.

“This is for the future. We don’t have to rush it”. Chenle grins, looking particularly soft, licking his chapped lips, shaking. 

“We’re young, there’s still a lot I need to learn about you, and I’m excited to take every single one of these steps. Ugly bits, all the insecurities you see in yourself that in my eyes are beautiful and unique because they make you, you. If you give me the honor to accept me and all the flaws I’ll show in the future, I’m here and I’ll gladly grow and discover all of it staying next to you”.

Jisung’s watery eyes now are definitely shedding tears, nodding and whispering a trail of “Yes, Chenle, yes” that has everyone clapping happily and coo at the sweet couple hugging, Jaemin forgetting for a moment his dispute with Chenle, prideful smiling at the scene. 

They’re beautiful, and brave, for a moment he stares at Jeno and if someone as young as Chenle and Jisung can do it, they also can.

There’s someone who’s not happy, clapping awkwardly showing a fake smile Jaemin recognizes too well. 

And that hope crumbles, faster than it built under the two lover’s hug. His father obviously keeping it together, claps dying down to a slow distracted beat lead by disgust, looking uncomfortable and out of place. 

Jaemin knows what his father thinks of it; has vigorously expressed it. It hurts more, right in front of his eyes the picture of how he’d see Jaemin if one day he ever decides to speak up. 

His father is an absent figure, someone he despises most times and easily gets the worst out of him, all mean parts hiding under his heart. It hurts, stomach dropping and eyes prickling with an acceptance he’ll never receive in his life, by a father who should support him no matter what. 

“I want to leave”. Whispers Jaemin, shutting his view at the broken sound of his voice. Jeno worries, scans him. He holds Jeno’s hand, eyes blinking to erase that wet haze, taking a deep breath. “Please”.

Jeno takes him home. It’s late, around midnight, and there’s a silent agreement where in Jeno’s room Jaemin takes off his clothes, Jeno kisses his forehead. 

Peaceful, awfully quiet in the night. Jaemin’s brain doesn’t shut up, breathing in a shaky sound when Jeno kisses his neck, slow and extremely sweet. He’s aware something is off, and he is truly the kindest when he doesn’t ask anything. He just leans in and takes care of him.

His bare skin is cold, the room as well, and Jaemin rests his chin on the boy’s shoulder, circling one leg around his hips. He moves, getting a sound out of Jeno who crawls his fingers holding Jaemin’s head, letting their tongues meet in a kiss. 

Jaemin’s back meets the mattress, lost into wet sounds of slick lips not ready to pull. The slope of his nose nudges Jeno’s cheek, inhaling his sweet scent.

“Can we switch tonight?”.

Jeno blinks a few times, hand tangled under his blonde hair and the soft pillow. He nods, kissing him again, taking their time to breathe, memorizing patterns of skin. 

It’s lovely, and so different from how Jaemin likes to touch or be touched. He can show Jeno this side of him. Like Chenle said, the ugly bits he’s not proud of or scared to expose, the ones he’s afraid no one would like if he says them out loud.

“Are you sure?”.

“I trust you”. Jaemin smiles, sad but it warms up under Jeno’s stare, finger tracing his pink lips. “I think tonight I need you like this. If you want to”.

“Of course, Jaem. I’m just making sure”. 

Jaemin’s mind is clouded. He can’t give up on the warmth sitting just right at the end of his stomach and the back of his heart. 

Unfair someone is disgusted by his right to feel, to grip at someone with a fondness melting his body relaxing under Jeno. Sounds escaping his lips when Jeno’s slim fingers move inside him reaching a place that has his thighs shaking, long whine exhaling as his spine arches and his neck cranes for Jeno to bite there.

His brain elaborates and hurts. This is the closest to finally being himself. No protecting cocky smiles or foolish flirting for the sake of looking like he has everything under control.

Wet with tears of a burning he doesn’t get often, moaning in Jeno’s mouth as languid and affected as he is by all of this. No fulfilling sensation moving inside him can compare to the need of pleasing Jeno, of making him feel safe whatever they’re doing. He’s not wrong, they can find safety in their arms.

Jaemin keeps crying. This is right, he is right. He lets out one choked sound startling Jeno, who stops moving and glances everywhere from his shutting eyes and gaping mouth, hand opening on Jeno’s chest.

“Did I do something wrong? Hey, Jaem-”.

“You’re perfect”. Jaemin opens one eye, rocking his hips back to Jeno, shifting them so he is now straddling Jeno resting his spine on the headstand. “I’m fine, just a bit overwhelmed”.

“We can stop, really. Do you want to continue?”.

Jaemin nods, forehead pressed on Jeno’s chest, sweating and heating up with their movements. He sinks down again, Jeno’s breath itching and hands finding place to his hips, helping him move. 

It’s languid, breathy with pleased sounds mingling louder. Jaemin keeps gaping against Jeno’s neck; feeling good, safe. Not alone.

Jeno’s fingers curl behind his thighs, spreading him and his hips grind forward, the new position making Jeno curse, one hand stroking Jaemin in their close bodies. 

The extra attention has his hands steading at the headboard, and it doesn’t take long before he spills between their stomachs and Jeno cums inside him making Jaemin leap with that feeling, first time trusting someone enough to do this. 

He starts shaking. Overwhelmed, overstimulated, tears still embedded between his long lashes pressing down his cheeks with the strength his eyes close, catching his breath collapsing on Jeno.

There’s not a part of him regretting this, and he doesn’t have the urge to escape. Jeno holds him and in that embrace he finds himself braver, grounding on that prideful acceptance he felt at the party again. Jaemin really likes Jeno.

His muscles are sore, clinging his body to Jeno after they get decently clean, ears relaxing with the ruffling sound of the puffy duvet hugging their naked bodies. He’s weary, it crashes on his body violently, how heavy his head is and feels numb pressing it to Jeno’s chest. 

Fingers and arms slumped on his waist listening to Jeno’s fast heartbeat.

“Jaemin?”. Jeno whispers, checks if he’s awake. He makes a low sound in response.

“I saw your father and Chenle’s tonight. Heard them talking. When I went to the bathroom”. 

Jaemin freezes, teeth painfully ruining his bottom lip, breath shuddering. There’s a finger under his chin, Jeno gently but firmly asks him to look at his eyes, what he can catch with the night’s dark. 

“What did you see?”.

“Is that why Chenle is threatening you with our relationship?”.

Jaemin’s chest feels on fire, painful and drastically falling from that peace lulling him asleep. 

God knows what Jeno is thinking of his family, of him. He’s aware he never had fondness for their lifestyles, their apparent carefree living. After knowing more about Jeno’s family he feels stupid, and incredibly uneasy he tastes blood on his lips. Biting too hard.

“We’re terrible, aren’t we?”. Jaemin finds the will to make a bitter laugh, completely filled with hatred from everything. Turning his back to Jeno because he can’t stand it but he stops him, holding his hand to have him roll by his side.

“Our lives are completely different”. Jeno starts, eyes digging for something, the anticipation Jeno will break things off and give up because he’s right, they’re different. 

Jeno and his mother are honest people living hurtful difficulties and lives where they earn and deserve all the positive outcomes. Jaemin can’t say anything about his; guilt twisting his guts thinking about his father’s recent white business. “You’re not like them. You’re not, Jaemin”.

“What if I am? What if I turn out to be like that. It’s dreadful, Jeno. The weight we keep with us. You might think we’re just stupidly spoiled trust funds and there are worse things in life, hell, with what happened to you I don’t blame you if you laugh at me and tell me to grow up”.

“You won’t. We haven’t been hanging out for long but all I see is a very beautiful and selfless person. When things get too much, you can come here. No matter how different the places we grew up are, or how much you think I can’t understand what is happening to you”. 

Jeno kisses his forehead “That’s what I wanted to say, why I brought your father up”.

Jaemin, for the first time since he was fourteen and fought badly with Renjun, cries. 

Liberating sobs, strong and loud muffled by Jeno’s chest, turning into a chuckle because this is something building up inside him for years. Losing his breath with sobs — he feels weightless. 

Laughing at the ugly sight of his stuffy, wet nose when Jeno offers him a tissue, taking deep breaths and knocking out until later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not posting the old chapters day by day for suspense reasons, it takes a lot of hours to proofread even one ;; i'm changing the wording/expressions instead of only checking the typos, that's why it is a longer process.
> 
> thank you for reading, i hope you're enjoying the story! <3


	3. standing up

Jaemin wakes up the goosebumps Jeno’s fingers caressing the arm slumped on his body create. 

The sun is beaming outside, too late in the morning to be opening his eyes now. A noise gets out as an attempt to speak, voice hoarse mixed with the burn of his eyelashes. Jeno’s bed is soft and the idea of moving a limb to life doesn’t sound great. He winces once he sits, giving up and crashing back to the sheets, sinking with the fluffy fabric.

A low choppy voice chuckles next to him, it sounds so pretty and exactly what Jaemin needs to smile as well after waking up.

“Morning”. Jeno whispers, threading Jaemin’s leg between his, leaning in before Jaemin sticks his palm to the boy’s mouth, head shaking.

“I’m sure my breath smells”. 

“I don’t care, it’s just a peck”.

“No”.

“Please?”. 

He’s screwed, not resisting those puppy eyes when he’s still half unconscious and the boy’s warm body is impossible to refuse. Fairly, Jaemin would give in if he asks in a few hours, awake and back to the concrete reality. 

Jeno pecks his upper lip, but the drag of his mouth shapes busier, trying to deepen the kiss.

“You said a peck”. Jaemin’s hand feels Jeno’s firm muscles of his lean stomach when he starts hovering him, bare and contracting under his touch. “Liar”.

The rim of his eyes burns and is red, weak with the migraine caused by the lack of rest and the summed up alcohol consumed recently. His stomach, a survivor of all Jaemin has been putting it through. 

Jeno’s muscles are addicting, and Jaemin roams his fingers everywhere, meeting firm skin at the biceps, smooth space of his chest and lips linger around his nipples, nipping there. 

The easy way Jeno reacts is such a sight, exhaling sweet sighs. Soon he’s kissing his lower stomach where the waistband of Jeno’s boxer is, lazily peppering kisses and biting more marks. Their bodies are a war zone of purplish and fading green spots.

Jeno’s skin is soft, no hair in sight where the boy waxes everywhere he’s got his hands on, enjoying nestling between his legs, one arm bending his thigh. Jeno raises an eyebrow his way, doing nothing to resist him, spreading his leg anyway. 

Jaemin knows. Jeno’s mother is most likely awake and in the house, catching them ditching school if they leave the room. They should also talk in a low voice, or she saw Jeno home while he was asleep. 

He playfully bites his inner thigh, shifting to hug his middle and steal some of the duvet.

“How are you?”. Asks Jeno, hands threading in his mussy hair, looking a complete mess, nothing he can fix on the spot to seem more decent. 

He likes the intimacy, of being barely awake and not too attractive when Jeno seems so willing to have him close. Jaemin leans to graze their noses together. Jeno’s is freezing.

“Better”.

“Breakfast downstairs?”. Jeno’s cheek inflates in a hidden smile “That entails meeting your teacher. I’m hungry, please say yes”.

“I don’t think she’d be too happy to see what we look like”. Jaemin teases, actually nervous and self conscious to face Mrs Lee on an occasion completely different from being one her students taking notes. 

Finding him as a classmate casually doing homework at Jeno’s house would be less pressuring. Meeting Mrs Lee means letting her see what they are together.

“Not if we tell her we’re dating”. 

“Do you want to? I’d like to openly say it”.

Jeno’s eyes are dazzling, smiling happily as he kisses him, tongue darting out and Jaemin can stop minding about morning breath if the boy melts in his arms. 

Lazily making out, his muscles flexing under his hands to steady on top of Jaemin, low and soft moans at their bodies moving close. Jaemin’s hands sneak under Jeno’s boxers, no other intention but to reach whenever he can. He likes having all of him and touches every different texture of his skin.

Delicate is the skin he finds there, sinking under his digits, Jeno’s mouth opening for Jaemin to lick inside. It’s probably a compromising kiss and sight for a morning barely started, and his own noisy exhaling steam air at his own cupid’s bow, nails scratching Jeno’s hips when he rocks his body taken by their frenzy.

“What do you want me to call you if my mother asks? She will, I never bring boys home”. 

Jeno says quietly, calming down and his lips trace all over Jaemin’s face, combing Jeno’s hair. Smell of hairspray hugging his black strands not as neat after smudging on the pillow.

“Is it too rushed if I want you to say boyfriend?”. Jaemin’s heart jumps erratic, stomach churning.

“Most definitely. I think boyfriend sounds very nice though”. Jeno chuckles, and Jaemin follows him in their small bubble of happiness nobody can take from them in this room, craning his neck to catch his lips again.

“We’re so gross”. Jokes Jaemin, grimacing at their smitten hold, doing nothing to take Jeno off him, hands still trapped in his hair.

Jeno lends him a hoodie and comfortable clothes, intertwining their hands climbing down the stairs, a reassuring and pretty smile seeing Jaemin is nervous. 

He really doesn’t know why, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. If your son is a student sometimes they end up dating someone from their same school and that someone is your student because you’re a teacher, right? 

It isn’t really about Jeno’s mother. He’s nervous — and excited, introducing himself to a woman that will most likely accept their relationship.

When she looks up from a cup of tea tilting her head surprised, Jaemin wonders if maybe she has some kind of unspoken grudge towards him he doesn’t know about. 

She could also not like Jaemin that much. He’s been distracted during her recent classes, the object of his distractions is squeezing his hand, noticing Jaemin is not moving a muscle.

“Good morning”. Jaemin says flustered after Jeno does, looking at him for help when he moves a chair to sit at the kitchen’s table. The woman looks relaxed, hair down when they’re usually up in a bun, radiating beauty without makeup and a kind smile his way.

Her hands are cupped around her mug, a white soft looking cardigan hugging her thin frame.

He feels nauseous, fixing his posture and hands shaking in his lap. Jeno rests one on top of his. Jaemin took a glance of himself at the mirror, not too encouraging, wondering how they must look. Answers written all over their faces. 

He is about to panic at the bites on his neck he can’t hide, tries to fix his hair. Blonde strands pointing in every direction, eyes filled with jittery sleepiness and youthful, so very imperfectly youthful. Gone for the boy next to him.

“Jaemin Na?”. She smiles sweetly at them before shifting the attention to her son. “I see Jen, you really like the handsome and brilliant ones”.

Jaemin flushes and absently blinks to the woman. Taking a deep breath, glancing down at the purple ceramic of her cup of tea.

“I’m sorry to bother. I fell asleep with Jeno after yesterday’s party and we just woke up”.

“It’s okay, darling”. She chuckles, moves a hand dismissively and stands up to the stove. “Coffee or tea?”.

Jaemin calms down, fingers playing with the coffee mug border, recalling Chenle’s proposal they celebrated. At least what they saw and the guests kept celebrating, Jaemin asked to leave. 

Mrs Lee seems very amazed about every detail, she mentions Jaemin didn’t have to buy Jeno the suit, to let them pay for it. Jaemin shakes his head raising his shoulders sheepishly, tip of his ears red and looking fondly at Jeno.

“It’s a gift, I really don’t mind”. Jeno’s gaze is lovely and heavy on him, biting his lower lip. “He looks very handsome in it”.

Jeno’s mother covers her mouth in a giggle, Jeno blushing and nudging at his shoulder. He takes Jaemin’s hand and intertwines their fingers again, this time on to the table where Mrs Lee can see. 

Glancing down at their clasped and sweaty hands. 

Jaemin swallows down his hammering heart, mouth slightly agape when he looks at Jeno, unconsciously soothing the back of it with his fingers, calming him from completely losing it. 

That has the woman smiling, giving him a bright one. She turns to Jeno clearing his throat catching her attention.

“Mom”. He says, nervous with his stumbling voice, Jeno is practically trembling in his hand. “Jaemin and I are dating. We’re boyfriends”.

Mrs Lee nods, stretching her arms on the table. Palms up, encouraging them to hold her hands. She swings them briefly, leans in Jaemin’s direction and the way her face grows in a smile is identical to Jeno, holding that same gentleness at the end of her closing eyes.

“I’m your teacher, but I’m also a mother”. She says, hand warm and slightly rough, where work and years accumulate. Pleasing to keep in his, a hand cream smell falling on his own. 

“Jaemin, you’re more than welcome here. I’m proud of you guys for telling me, and you can trust me”.

Is too late when Jaemin realizes his eyes are wet, emotional. He feels _accepted_ , an immense weight getting off his chest, hand shaking in his boyfriend’s and in the woman’s hold. 

He swallows down loudly the lump in his throat, not trusting his voice, bottom lip quivering.

“Treat my Jeno well, yeah?”. Her voice sounds touched as well, pinching his cheek lovingly when a tear eventually falls down his cheek, getting up whispering a “Come here”. 

He immediately falls in her hold. Motherly, and so important she offers it to him. Jaemin starts sniffling when Jeno gets up to hug him from behind, sandwiched between them.

“Thank you”. Jaemin’s voice is broken and sincere when he pulls from her hug. “And all I care is to make Jeno happy”.

Jeno’s arms wrap around his middle from behind, lingering a kiss to his cheek as soon as he can, in front of his mother. He feels at ease, body swinging briefly with Jeno’s. She ruffles her son’s hair, fixing her place at the kitchen aisle, laptop open.

Jaemin turns into Jeno’s arms, embarrassed when the boy wipes his tears away with his thumbs, pressing their foreheads together.

“Eat something. You are so nervous I never seen you like this”. Jeno whispers but it’s loud enough for the woman to send them a funny glare, Jaemin holding back a laugh. 

His body still shakes, happy and relieved but he knows he won’t calm down, stomach twisting in everything pleasing. He plays with the threads of Jeno’s hoodie, eventually walking to the table.

“Jaemin’s attendance is usually impeccable. I’ll close one eye for today, but you know we have a class together in about”. She checks the laptop screen. “Three hours”.

Jaemin presses his lips sheepishly, an apologetic glance. “I’m sorry Mrs Lee”.

“When we’re not at school you can call me Minsuh”. She winks at him. Jeno snickers and almost chokes on his coffee at the sight.

“I promise we’re going to study once we wake up properly”. Jaemin gives her one of his witty smiles, trying to get out his emotional state. “Minsuh”.

“That’s the spirit”. She points her finger his way, and Jeno is boiling with cringing complaints, telling her to stop. Jaemin laughs, pushing him playfully.

They head into Jeno's bedroom after breakfast, Jaemin giddy pulling him into a kiss as soon as he closes the door, Minsuh on her own getting ready for school. 

Jeno’s arms around his neck, opening his mouth for Jaemin’s tongue to kiss, practiced with the way they move in each other’s space. Addicting, getting to know someone how he does with Jeno, so much freedom and hands grabbing his hips. 

Jeno’s ragged breath, Jaemin stealing it with kisses after climbing up the stairs, not able to catch it when they’re too busy and still not tired to twirl tongues together, biting Jaemin’s bottom lip and his hips jerk.

“You’re seriously my boyfriend now, right?”.

Jaemin stares at him. He nods, kissing Jeno’s jaw. “Of course baby”.

Jeno is eager, rocking their clothed bodies together and he pulls the hem of Jaemin’s shirt to take it off. Jaemin shakes his head with mirth.

“There’s your mother in the other room”. 

“You didn’t care last night”. Jeno tongue wets his neck before biting languidly. 

Jaemin sighs and throws his head back to the white door. It takes a lot of internal strength to bring Jeno at a safe distance, blown eyes and a bit in love with his red and glossy lips, gazes almost feline scanning up and down his body. 

Jaemin feels wanted, euphoric with how nice everything feels today. “She’s leaving soon. Be patient, beautiful”. 

“I like seeing you happy”. Jeno blurts out. Jaemin’s smile is gooey, lifting the boy up until he gets both legs and arms around him so he won't fall, walking over the desk. 

Jeno’s back caged at the wall keeping both of them steady through Jaemin’s thighs pressing at the desk edge.

“Mh, like our first time”. Jokes Jeno, mocking the messy way he was bouncing up and down with Jaemin inside him when they did it at Jisung’s party. 

Jaemin is almost scandalized, if it isn’t for the funny atmosphere and the way Jeno is enjoying this too much. The reenactment creates a friction they both like, closing his eyes when Jaemin presses him to the desk.

“Jeno why are you like this”. He chuckles in a whine, chest shaking so much, turning to a full blown laugh and Jeno raises his eyebrows looking down between them, hand boldly palming Jaemin’s covered crotch.

“I can’t believe you got hard for this, Jaemin!”.

“Quiet!”. Jaemin says loudly and alarmed, mentioning with his head the door’s direction, hands still on Jeno’s inner thighs opening his legs so he can settle between them. “I won’t be able to look at your mother’s eyes ever again if she heard you”.

“I’m pretty sure she knows we do it, look at your neck”.

“Maybe you should look at yours”.

“Yeah I look hot with all these hickeys, and what about it?”.

“You do but no need to brag, this isn’t a competition sir we’re supposed to do teamwork here”.

Jeno takes his hands, slides them further up his crotch and Jaemin leans in smiling, noses touching. “How about you start with-”.

“Guys I’m leaving!”. Screams Minsuh, and they hear her laughing until there’s the sound of the door closing and Jaemin despite being red can’t help but laugh too, shutting eyes and cringing in a strong grimace.

They fall quiet for a moment, taking in how stupid they must sound.

“You were saying?”. He glances up again to bite Jeno’s lips, kissing him on the cheek and the boy softens, eyelashes fanning his reddened cheeks, looking extremely comfortable and that makes Jaemin happy. 

It seems a lifetime ago staring at Jeno awkwardly standing in front of him out of Jisung’s house, almost refusing his lift home.

“We should take this to the shower”.

Jaemin snaps his tongue in agreement, picking up Jeno back in his arms. “Sounds good”. 

He spins them around, head inspecting the corridor and Jeno’s nose hides in his cheek, laughing. “Where’s the bathroom?”.

  
  
  


Jaemin knows it’s risky. He comes to school earlier, free of the first two class hours because their teacher is sick at home.

Curiosity takes the best of him, taking out of his bag the printed letters, threading them in the pages of his book. He’s been wanting to check the dates, and according to the least recent from the stack they found in Mr Park’s drawer the first one belongs to June. 

In June one of Mr Park’s projects failed, a great secrecy behind it but Jaemin recalls casually hearing it from his father, not giving it much weight. It makes sense, really. 

The collaboration with Donghyck’s father failed. He might have something Mr Park needed so he went to her as a desperate attempt to solve the inconvenience. A young girl is malleable if you promise nice things and in the worst scenario, if he lets her believe they can have a happy relationship.

Jaemin’s eyebrows knot where his fingers slide on top of another paper, the date looks odd. There’s an extra number on the date; a mindless typo if the letters were written on a computer, albeit the letters are by hand. You can mix letters by hand, distractedly mistaken the year, not stick a casual number in between. 

Jaemin starts reading the letters again, finding another number embedded between words, where it shouldn’t be. That’s a hidden code, and Jaemin starts wondering what she is trying to give him.

He doesn't have the time to inspect all the letters, hearing a rather impatient voice screaming, low and padded sounding like Jisung’s. He shoves everything in his backpack, walking fast where the voice is.

Jisung has his hand up, closed in fists and eyes trembling despite the guy caging him at the lockers is significantly shorter. Brown hair and cocky smile forcefully taking Jisung by his wrist. 

It’s his left one, where he is wearing Chenle’s promise ring, jaw scraped with blood and starting to bruise.

“It was already sickening seeing you faggots together, now you have the courage to show up with this?”.

Jisung closes his fist tighter, tries to pull his arm back and screams a “Stop it!”. He’s crying.

“Oh, now your little husband is not around you act like such a girl, don’t you? You’re disgusting, I bet you like it when he fucks you in the ass”.

“Oh, imagine being so frustrated about your own sexuality you need to harass others”. 

Jaemin walks in, not able to sound calm and moves closer to Noah, one of the seniors from the swimming team. He never liked that asshole, now has a proper reason to raise his hands.

“This is none of your business, Na”.

“It fucking is”. He finally pushes the boy off Jisung, slamming his body against the locker, the sound it makes of loud metal shaking under the sudden hit. “You don’t go around and speak slurs to people, fucking idiot”.

He briefly turns to Jisung, a careful look asking if he’s okay. Jisung takes a few steps back, eyes watery and barely nods, hand clutching at his left one protecting his ring. Jaemin’s heart constricts seeing the younger boy so scared.

“What? Did you become a gay too Jaemin”.

“You’d love to suck my dick if I let you”. Jaemin considers spitting on the other’s face crumbling, slams him again from his collar, keeping him in place. “You have two options, darling. You leave and let Jisung alone, which is the convenient one”. 

He gives him a dirty look, the boy’s shirt wrinkling under his fist. “Or you know damn well this school has zero tollerance for bullying, and drug use. And oh, dear Noah, I do know exactly where to put my hands to bring the headteacher all the shit you sell in here”.

Noah stares at him, freeing from his hold where Jaemin has loosened it. It’s done. 

“Fuck you”. He turns to Jisung, eyes angry when he starts walking away.

“Remember, baby”. Jaemin’s voice sounds harsh, venom dripping from his honey tone supposedly there to mock the boy. “It doesn’t make you manly throwing punches around, learn some fucking manners”.

Jaemin immediately bends where Jisung is on the floor. He flinches when he comes closer. 

Jisung’s breathing is uneven, hands trembling and the way he’s curling on himself makes Jaemin press his lips worried.

“Did he do something else while I wasn’t here?”. 

Jisung shakes his head, finger reaching where his jaw is bleeding, wincing in pain. Jaemin nods, opens his hands for Jisung to take and gets him up, giving him the best reassuring smile he can manage. 

Jisung is quiet and doesn’t dare to say anything, only keeps trembling more than a leaf on a windy day.

“Okay”. Jaemin smooths down the boy’s messy collar of his shirt. “Let’s go grab ice for your face. We can get that asshole expelled if you want to but I’m sure he won’t touch you anymore”.

They reach the school’s medbay. Jaemin lies for Jisung’s injury who still looks petrified. 

He was running, the corridor's floor was slippery and he got hurt. Their school nurse lends him ice and a patch, taking place at one of the beds saying Jisung feels a bit dizzy with the hit and needs to rest. Jaemin doesn’t really know why he does it, but he can feel Jisung’s pain.

It’s not about the cut bleeding and him hissing air when Jaemin pats it to clean it. He feels hurt and discouraged, seeing how much violence can be for simply loving someone. 

These are things that could happen to Jaemin if he comes out. Emotionally used to rescue himself at all times, growing thick in environments his personality had no other choice to adjust. He doesn’t care if one of the useless mean souls of his school talks shit about him. 

Albeit Jisung, he’s emotional and insecure, stressing about everyone’s opinion. Somehow he’s happy Chenle is the one to be with him, the orange haired boy follows Jaemin’s same path.

“You’re brave, Jisung. Braver than all those cowards and their ill words behind your back. They’re the weak ones, they’re wrong. There’s nothing sickening with you, please keep it in mind”.

“Thank you”. Jisung looks down, moving his ring and it dazzles under the pale lights of the room, Jaemin following his gaze to it. “He always said these things to me. I never told Chenle because he gets very angry and I can defend myself. After he gave me the ring it got worse. I wonder if it was a good idea accepting so soon when we still have at least three years of school left before thinking of moving together or a marriage”.

“The ring is beautiful. You looked very happy when Chenle proposed, those are your real and raw feelings Jisung. If you’re sure about what you have with him, it’s no one else’s business”.

Jaemin squeezes and briefly swings their hands together, looking up at Jisung. “You two are good for each other, don’t doubt your relationship for a bunch of ignorant idiots. They know nothing about you two”.

“Why are you so kind to me?”. Jisung whispers, still scared and Jaemin wants to hug him. 

He looks so tall, handsome and sweet with his pink hair. Jisung is playful and smart, giving funny remarks to his friends. Jaemin sees him in the hallways. It hurts seeing him so caught up in his head when he’s so young.

“It costs nothing to be a decent person and let others be happy”. Jaemin finally sticks the patch to Jisung’s jaw. “Because I get you more than what you think”.

Jisung pouts, looking nervous as if he’s choosing his words. “Jaemin. Sorry if I ask, are you and Jeno dating?”. 

Jaemin frowns. “Did Chenle tell you?”.

“No”. Jisung makes a shy smile, sitting more comfortably with his shoulders slumping. “I think I saw you kissing him at our party. Jeno would never do that with anyone if it’s not someone special”.

“Are you and Jeno friends?”. Jaemin smiles, he didn’t know this one.

Jisung shakes his head, and finally gets up. “Not really. He’s been swinging by the dance club recently, Donghyuck introduced him to everyone. He’s nice, and people talk about how he is impossible to win over. Guess you found the weak spot”.

Jaemin chuckles, his hand pats on the younger’s shoulder when they get out of the room, slow steps and he still has time before his next class anyway. 

“Jeno is not to win over, he just needed someone to accept him when he opens up. I needed that myself. Being closed and hiding sucks, but I can’t find a reason to not try and be with him”.

“Can I wave at you if I see you again?”. Jaemin smiles amazed at the innocent question, nudging at his shoulder.

“Of course you can, you don’t need permission. Ah, you’re adorable”.

  
  
  
Renjun shows him a mock test he obviously failed, trying to find excuses and save up red marks defensively saying he did nothing wrong. 

Jaemin rolls his eyes, starting their little banter made of him telling Renjun there’s nothing wrong with failing for once and the shorter never admits his academic mistakes. 

If Renjun doesn’t directly answer a simple yes or no question, it means whatever he did is not going how he planned.

They’re walking out of school, and honestly Jaemin is tired but he promised Renjun they’ll study together and help him make it to the actual test without failing, after a long verbal fight for the other’s pride. 

“Na”. He turns to Chenle, running after them and his chest inflates rushed a few times. “Can I have a word with you? Alone”.

Renjun points to his car and the Huang’s driver patiently waiting in the lacquered black limousine. “I’ll wait”. 

Of course he knows there’s something serious going on between them, and Jaemin is grateful he asks nothing.

Jaemin was expecting some threats, albeit Chenle’s eyes are kind once they’re alone, fumbling with his hands. “I actually just wanted to thank you, Jisung told me what you did”.

Oh, this one’s new. “It’s nothing. How is he? Did he change the patch?”. Jaemin says, a little awkward and waiting for Chenle looking like he’s about to speak again.

“Good, he kind of thinks you’re his hero or something”. 

Jaemin holds back a grin, twitching his eyebrows a little, clearing his throat. It’s quite ironic, Chenle looking bare of his usual annoyed looks, sounding a lot like he’s about to apologize.

“I know we started off on the wrong foot and–”.

“You, started wrong”. Jaemin interrupts him, gesturing to continue not before receiving a huff from Chenle.

“Yeah, fine. Thank you for protecting him. Jisung means a lot to me and whoever stands up for him is also standing up for me”.

“Good. Are you going to stop threatening me and Jeno now?”.

“I wasn’t going to do anything, if you want me to be honest”. Chenle threads a hand in his orange hair, fading into a dark yellowish color and Jaemin can see dark roots growing back. “It’s shit outing someone, I said it to find an excuse to shut you up”.

“How kind of you”. Jaemin’s answers are sarcastics, yet he sees Chenle is sincere with this. 

There’s no one else that could understand that fear better than him. “Okay, I think that’s all, right? Say hi to Jisung, and congrats on your proposal”.

“Bye Jaemin”.

“Mh, I guess we’re on a name basis now, progress”. Jaemin winks at him, a mirthful smile before he gets in Renjun’s car. This is something he can share, forgetting the riot Renjun can be in his words alone when he hears or sees bullying episodes at school.

He spends the evening at Renjun’s place. Being with his best friend has him complaining about missing Jeno, who started tutoring younger students recently and as great as it sounds when he recently said he needed extra money, now he doesn’t see him as much. 

On the phone he joked saying he’d gladly have Jeno as his sugar baby so they can gather some time together instead of working. 

Jeno with the same temper told him Jaemin is not old enough to be a sugar daddy and his attempt — which were more serious than said, failed. Jaemin has a lot of money he doesn’t even know what to do with anyway, he wouldn’t mind giving them to Jeno. 

He presses his forehead to the table, and a book page sticks to his skin.

His phone rings, getting up from that slumber. Renjun is sipping orange juice instead of studying a few meters from him. They suck, and if Jaemin doesn’t fix his sleeping schedule he will fail school for sure.

**From** : Donghyuck

_hey bastard_

_when you’re done sucking Jeno’s face_

_there’s a party at mine on saturday_

_aaaa big one_

  
  


“Did you know Donghyuck is throwing a party?”. Jaemin glances up, Renjun nodding and shrugging his shoulders. Weird.

“Mh we talked about it yesterday”.

“Oh so you do talk? I thought you were keeping the whole acting like strangers recital, especially after that night at Mark’s”.

“It can’t work between us, okay?”. Renjun says out of patience, fingers digging in his temples. “That doesn’t mean I like him any less”.

“Then why are you losing your time with Yukhei? The guy’s hot, I get it, but Donghyuck was there at Mark’s and you could have spent the night with him instead”.

Renjun makes a sad smile, eyes fogged with something Jaemin doesn’t recognize. 

“I have to start somewhere to forget him and see him as a friend. I’m still going to the party. Yukhei is going to be here and he’s nice. Also, I know you and Jeno will disappear to make out or something”.

“If one day you want to talk about it, I’m here”. Jaemin avoids the attempt to change the topic. Renjun is not a stranger, and Jaemin is not someone he can verbally move as he pleases. His best friend is good at that.

“I know, Jaem”. Renjun finishes the juice in his glass, smacking his lips together in a sound. “Now help me study, I don’t understand shit”.

Jaemin chuckles, types quickly a reply to Donghyuck and the boy texts him back as fast, he’s interested to see the answer. 

They end up studying for a bunch of hours and get a part of the work done, headache persistently growing. Taking a small break where Jaemin sits at the high stools of the kitchen island, light marble and one of the cleaning ladies gives him medicine. 

He says his thanks, chugging down the bitter taste and all he has to do is wait, patiently propping up his chin in one hand.

Renjun comes closer where he is, hands on his shoulders, moving them busy answering his phone. He pats his tense muscles there, catching Jaemin’s attention.

“Wanna do something with Mark? He just texted me”.

“Something like what?”.

“Smoking maybe? I don’t know what he’s up to. Ask Jeno if he’s free, you look miserable”. 

Renjun is obviously kidding but Jaemin really misses the black haired boy. His body still tingles with how happy he’s been at Jeno’s house, and that peaceful day was enough to get him through the week. 

He barely had the time to share a few easy kisses during breaks at school, mostly talking about their day on the phone before sleeping, too tired to keep the conversation going for long. 

Also Minsuh always gives him a kind smile when he walks in her class, and he remembers Renjun knows nothing about it.

“Jeno and I came out to his mother”. 

Renjun turns, stumped and his phone dings with another text. 

“Seriously? How did she take it, must be weird finding one of your top students in your son’s bed”.

“Shut up”. Jaemin pushes him, and Renjun grins leaning at the fridge, brown hair growing more into a mullet and messily spreading to the furniture pressing his head against it.

“I suppose it went well. Does Mark know? I think you’re safe with him, it’s a small gathering anyway. You can smooch all you want”.

“It did. And no, shit, I need to tell you this one”. Jaemin laughs, and retells how Mark thought they were strangers and Donghyuck literally introduced them while Renjun was making out with Yukhei. 

The boy starts laughing so much when he gets to the shared bed part he almost cries, clutching at his stomach with hiccups, knees bending forward as he always does. Jaemin doesn’t think it’s that hilarious, although he can’t wait to see Mark’s face if Jeno is free to hang out with them.

Jeno is already at Mark’s place, roped by Donghyuck who found him wandering in the library after he finished tutoring a first year student. 

Priceless is the face Mark makes when Jaemin confidently kisses Jeno, it really is a small gathering. Usually they’re never as small as he promises, Mark enjoys the pain of having a whole apartment to clean by himself. He doesn’t bother calling and paying someone to do it for him which makes him crazy. 

Jaemin has seen the state of his apartment after a party and looking at how clean it looks as he enters he feels bad for the possible consequences.

He can tell Jeno missed him too, reminded they're not alone by Renjun clearing his throat in a scold. Jeno doesn't care, pressing one last peck to his cheek and narrows his eyes Renjun’s way.

“Bummer, I never see him”.

“Did you get together at my party or something?”. Mark is confused, eyes blinking slowly keeping a joint in hand, hidden in fading a cloud of smoke. He’s gone, the rim of his eyes red and lips glossy. Jaemin pinches his cheek to kid, arm around his shoulders.

Donghyuck starts explaining for Jaemin who finally takes place on the couch and has Jeno boldly sitting in his lap, arms latched around the boy’s slim waist. He can't help but pepper his neck with kisses, eyes fluttering shut with how tired he is. 

Jaemin likes having his body weight on him, thighs pressed on Jeno’s who smells good, tip of his nose rubbing the good shampoo fragrance in his hair.

“So you're telling me I was feeling bad for making you two sleep together when you probably fucked in my guest room”.

Jeno laughs, stretching an arm to slap Mark’s butt. “We would never, I swear we did nothing in there”.

Mark pursues his lips cutely, glancing properly at the couple. “Mh okay, you look good”. He gives the joint to Jeno who’s having the time of his life sharing sly looks with the boys. “Enjoy”.

Jeno keeps the burning joint in hand, until Jaemin steals it by the filter and takes a drag, tapping Jeno’s cheek so he can open his mouth and exhale. His tongue drags out to wet Jeno’s lips, setting a slow pace to their kisses, lazy and almost on the brink of sleep. 

The heated space of Mark’s living room is drowsy, and the dark circles under his eyes speak more than his slow movements.

“You should sleep more”. Mumbles Jeno to his lips “We could take the weekend off and laze in my room, do you like the idea?”.

Jaemin’s hand goes under Jeno’s shirt, just to stroke his burning skin. Renjun is right; all good intentions but they end up attached like this. 

He glances over where Jisung and Chenle just joined the little gathering, Mark screaming his congratulations to the couple, holding his hand to see the ring. It’s funny because sober Mark is the exact opposite, still fun and chill but would never enjoy as much as he’s doing right now stealing people into conversation with the same enthusiasm.

“I’d love that”. Jaemin inhales the spot of Jeno's neck where his cologne lingers strongly, moving to his ear and whispers. “But we have plans. I’m sure Donghyuck already mentioned a party at his place”.

Jeno is drawing patterns to his scalp, fingers threading in his hair, serious when he looks at him. “You think we’ll find something there”.

“A big party where everyone is busy and Lia is out for the second years’ school trip? Couldn't get any better and easier for us”.

“What do you have in my mind”. Jeno’s voice is almost imperceptible if he isn't so close.

“The letters we have, I noticed they hold another message–”.

“Sh”. Jeno starts a sudden hungry kiss, and Jaemin is a bit startled. He simply moves his palms tracing his spine, Jeno shivering with it. 

“Is this how you are when you're not hiding? Jesus”.

Jaemin opens his eyes spotting Chenle, and now he gets it. Smart and careful Jeno. He shares a brief look with him and Jeno winks, finding that extremely attractive. Winking his life away is Jaemin’s personal trait, and seeing Jeno do the same is addictive.

“Hi Chenle, where's Jisung. At least he's not as lame as you are”. Jaemin’s neck cranes to look over, spotting pinkish hair and blushed cheeks, waving happily at the boy.

He gets up, genuinely content to see him and they walk to the kitchen together. Jaemin pours soda in two glasses, honestly tired of alcohol and Jisung politely accepts, mildly bowing and resting his back to the stove area. 

He’s so formal for no reason and Jaemin tells him a few times it’s fine to loosen up. They take a few sips silently. He’s taken about two drags of weed. 

He already feels lighter, thinks he would gladly sleep a few hours and Mark’s guest room sounds tempting, headache finally gone.

“So...”. Jisung makes a shy laugh. “You and Jeno look nice”.

“We’re annoyingly corny to watch. I guess it's how the first month of a relationship works, hm?”.

“If it makes you feel better Chenle used to push me away. He was scared while I was the opposite when we started dating”. 

“Really? See, it takes a lot of courage not giving up when the person you like makes it hard”.

“I was always sure about us. I knew under all that fear Chenle wanted me too, so I found my way to share that belief in him as well”. Jisung grins, moving his left hand’s fingers where his ring shines. “It worked just fine”.

Jaemin tries to follow everyone’s conversations mingling together, sitting at the couch and has a friendly exchange with Chenle, all because Jisung took him really at heart after defending him and god, he is sweet. 

Jisung is such a nice boy, Jaemin really feels bad for everything happening behind his back. 

He promises himself he’ll find the answers, not only to end his continuous disturbed trail of thoughts. For Jisung, who’s friends with Lia for intentions that most likely have nothing to do with a genuine friendship. Jaemin doesn’t know how to protect him but he’ll find a way.

They smoke some more and Mark brings in edibles, pretty sure Donghyuck did them. They look too good to be the canadian’s handiwork. 

He gets on Jeno’s lap at one point, after standing up the whole time to gain some life talking with everyone and not fall asleep. Jeno pulls him there, and between a few chats he starts to get distracted only listening to them being loud teenagers, falling asleep with his face smashed on Jeno’s chest. 

  
  
  
  


There’s a familiar fragrance hitting his nostrils and hands moving faintly to stroke his cheek.

His eyes turn white as he tries to open them, spotting dim lights of Mark’s apartment as he’s laying on the couch in Jeno’s arms. 

He thinks they’re alone, living room completely still in the room’s silence he shifts to kiss him, hand crawling until it finds silky black hair at his nape. He makes a pleased sound, Jeno’s body a furnace and he’s shivering cold, sobering up.

Jeno’s breathing is delicately warm on his face, looking a lot more awake. Cheeks pink when he looks at Jaemin. “Slept well?”.

“I feel like shit”. Jaemin’s voice is terribly hoarse, lips chapped when he tries to wet them and his throat is dry, clearing it a few times feeling like he’s swallowing needles. His headache is worse now he’s awake, groaning and pushing his forehead to Jeno’s chest hoping the pressure soothes his head.

“Want to go home?”.

“I can give you guys a lift”. Jaemin shoots his head up from his boyfriend’s chest, smiling incredibly wide and no matter how dizzy and stumbling on the floor, he runs the short steps to embrace the older boy, feet up for a few seconds in a short spin.

“You fucker, when did you get here?”. Jaemin detaches from the hold to stare at Jaehyun, brown locks and sweet dimples marking his familiar smile. He missed that smile.

“An hour ago, Mark told me to come here. I tried calling you ten times and you weren’t answering”. Jaehyun gives him a sly look, looking over where Jeno is sitting back to the couch, now flushing. “Someone was busy, and high”.

Jaemin glares at Jaehyun before sending an apologetic look to Jeno, who’s fixing his sleep filled shirt. So his brother saw everything, has been here the whole time as he’s kissing Jeno. 

Good, at least they have something to talk about and break the ice after being away for almost a year.

“So? Aren’t you introducing me to your boyfriend?”.

“You’re fine with us”.

“Why wouldn’t I”. Jaehyun ruffles his hair, walking closer where Jeno is, pointing at Jaemin. “You’re a saint for keeping up with him”.

Jaehyun is holding up just fine. Los Angeles is cool, has long walks at the beach between classes — which Jaemin finds amazing. 

He’s met an older student, Taeyong is his name, he shows pictures of them and the campus and tells them he helped him get familiar with the place. They currently have a shared apartment because Jaehyun gave up living alone soon and wanted company. 

He joined a band, the boy always loved playing piano and Jaemin knows his singing is just as good as the years spent learning how to press on the keyboard skillfully. Jaehyun seems happier, free of those frowns and angered voice like it used to be before he left.

“You’re staying home these days?”.

“I’m with Johnny, if you want to come by”. Jaehyun gives him a fake stern look. Jaemin is sure his older brother is aware how he and Johnny were during the summer before meeting Jeno. 

“I’m coming over for lunch one of these days, say hi to mom… and dad”.

Jaemin fixes the boy’s flannel, nods a few times. “We won’t mind a lift, since you mentioned”.

Jeno clears his throat, a hand on his thigh out of habit and he’s close enough their noses brush when he turns. “You can stay at mine”.

“Sure”. He pecks Jeno’s lips, notices Jaehyun's proud smile broken by a funny wiggling of his eyebrows. He’s sure his brother is happy to know Jaemin found a stable presence in his life, it was no secret he used to sleep around most nights, most of the school still believes that.

“They don’t know about you, right?”. He asks, and there’s a delicacy in that question Jaemin appreciates. He sighs, there’s no need to explain when Jaehyun has a fair share of references.

“Things are shit since you’re gone”. Jaemin gets up, sneaks an arm around Jeno and one around his brother. “Luckily you’re here, missed you Jae”.

Jeno gets in the house first, by Jaemin’s gentle request when he stays in the car with the older. 

The way he stares at the car key hanging is void, finding courage to gather his thoughts. He looks up to Jaehyun. 

Warm brown hair, lightened more by the sun, skin tanner than ever when he’s always been on the paler side. Still wearing their family necklace, Jaemin has the same one. A trait that bonds them through the distance, a family name none of them really recognize in. 

They once did, when they were younger.

“You know about dad’s business, don’t you?”. Jaemin scoffs, turns his head to the window. “That’s why you don’t want to stay home”.

Jaehyun holds his hand. Warm and familiar, he’s the closest thing that still feels like family. 

He’s also far from him, so it doesn’t matter how he makes him feel, he’s distant. “Come with me to Los Angeles, Nana. Once you graduate”.

Jaemin would love to. To escape, live another life that doesn’t quite taste like this one that’s slowly turning him to ash. 

More than a month ago he would have jumped on the first airplane and left without finishing his studies, without leaving a trace. He’s happy he didn’t, life kept someone for him to find soon after nights spent packing stuff and not going anywhere. Jaemin thinks of black silky hair, the moon hidden in a pair of eyes waiting for him to come home right now. 

“You can bring him with you if you want to”.

“This is not about me, Jeno has a brighter future than I ever will”. Jaemin presses his lips together. “I can’t have him following me around the world for a whim of mine. Jeno deserves his own choices, he’s so smart and kind there’s really nothing he can’t do. It hurts, I’d still let him go if I have to, I just wish we can be together for longer. I’m holding on because he’s here, Renjun as well”.

“I never thought I’d see the day you fall in love with someone”.

“Love?”. Jaemin smiles, looks at his hands in his lap. “I have no idea of what it means. Things are right with Jeno, and I’m holding to that feeling”.

“Fine”. Jaehyun ruffles his hair, grimacing at it. “You bleached them too much, your ends are gone”.

“Did you also become a hairdresser in LA?”. Jaemin teases, escaping the older and opens the car door, limbs tired and boneless standing back on his feet. 

“I’ll see you around”. Jaehyun shows his dimples, smile stretching and dazzling in the night.

“You better”. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Boisterous pop music plays loudly. Making people dance with vibrating chests to the bass is what Jaemin and Jeno find as they arrive at Donghyuck's mansion. 

A modern type of building, unlike traditional houses like Jaemin’s. All open spaces, wide grey walls and a pool, glass windows anticipating the crowded bodies dancing from a distance.

Donghyuck tries to move in the chaos approaching them, giving up in the middle of it with his arm up holding a drink, rising shoulders apologetically and drinks down most of what he has in the cup, probably drunk when it drools over his chin. 

A nice surprise is seeing Renjun coming to the rescue, holding the honey haired boy by his arm rolling his eyes. Donghyuck follows him and Jaemin loses them in the pressed crowd. 

How Donghyuck managed to invite these many people is a mystery, filling such a big space like the one of his house is demanding. Jaemin can barely move, holding Jeno’s hand afraid to lose him.

“We should enjoy the party for a while”. Says Jeno loudly in his ear, no one can hear them with music muffling everything. “We would look suspicious”.

“Donghyuck could think we disappeared to kiss or something”.

Jeno wanders his look, bites his lips and glances up fondly at Jaemin, taking a few steps too close. He naturally holds his hips, looking over Jeno’s shoulder but no one is paying attention. No one cares when Taeil who’s choosing the music puts on the speaker one that has everyone scream. 

“Do we really care about what our school thinks to not kiss here?”.

Jaemin stares back. Ideally, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t, when there’s people he’s comfortable with he never holds back from having Jeno all over him, letting everyone he trusts know what he has with him is serious. 

There is a moment he thinks he’s sick or wrong for liking a boy, but he’s scared. He’d love to kiss Jeno in front of everyone. A part of him, an insistent one holds him back, and his smile turns sad.

They disappear behind a door where they won’t be disturbed. Donghyuck won’t mind if he sees them, he understands. When Jeno trails behind he hugs him, palms opening on his shoulder blades, sighing.

“I’m sorry. I would like to tell everyone we’re together but I can’t do that”. 

“What’s holding you back?”. Jeno asks. It sounds curious, sounds like he's trying to ask another question.

Open up to me — that’s what it means. Jeno won’t ever force him to say anything Jaemin is not ready to share.

“I’m scared. My father won’t accept me, and I live in fear someone might want to mess with me and tell my family if they see me. I can’t trust them, I lost all the trust I had since Jaehyun has gone to college. And I care about you, Jeno”. 

Jaemin smiles, at least tries to. “I don’t care if they end up doing something extreme to fix me but I don’t want them to touch you. And if we’re together I’m scared they would blame you. I’m so afraid if they find out they’re going to shape me into someone I’m not”.

Jeno opens a palm to his chest, where his heart is, ipounding with his confession. 

“This is yours, Nana. No one but you can force you to change. You won’t change if it’s someone else doing it for you, you’d just bring walls and layers where underneath all of it there’s still Jaemin. I really like Jaemin at the bottom of everything you built out of fear, or protection”. 

Jeno pecks him, fingers playing at the shell of his ear. “And it’s not the end of the world if we can’t kiss at a party, I just like to know where you stand with us. That’s why I want you to talk to me”.

“Can you stop being perfect?”. Jaemin wants to sound serious but that’s all he can say. “I really like you, so much, and if we were dating for a little longer I’d be sure there’s more to it”.

“We’re on the same page with that”. Jeno chuckles, spoiling Jaemin with short presses of lips on his face. “Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m clingy and feeling a lot because you’re my first boyfriend or if we’re actually already there''.

“Seems like none of us is ready to say it, it’s still soon”.

“We have a lot of time for it”. Jeno clings to Jaemin, snuggling closer.

  
  
  
Jaemin looks at stairs up to the second floor, where the bedrooms are. Jeno checks behind them as they push Lia's door open after getting in the wrong one. They recently moved, Jaemin is not too familiar with the rooms. 

He is immediately looking for that keychain entering the purple colored walls, making sure it truly is a flash drive.

“The letters”. Jaemin starts, sitting at the girl’s desk and opens her laptop. “They’re not simple love letters. They have a code, a number, I’m still trying to figure it out”.

Jaemin’s confidence falters when the girl doesn’t have a password for her laptop. It’s too easy. 

Jeno stays behind him, hands on his shoulders and they both look at the file opening once he inserts the light blue pen drive. Jaemin scrolls through a bunch of scanned documents, giving them a rough read. He’s not sure how much time they have.

“Lia, what the hell are you doing”. Jeno glances down at Jaemin the same moment he looks up. 

They’re different papers. For a new house, mixed with Mr Park’s correspondences, saying she’s been a good girl and he’ll make sure to treat her well. 

Jaemin feels sick, swallowing down his disturbed breathing a few times. The letters mention on different occasions a building Mr Park is looking for, asks Lia often if she’s been there. 

Saying she needs to take something important from there so she can leave with him.

“Take pictures”. 

“Are these college applications? She’s fourteen, and literally has all the money to be accepted anywhere she wants, why is she doing it”.

“I don’t know Jeno, if we can figure those numbers out and understand what they mean. He’s looking for something Lia has”.

“This is getting bigger than us. What if she wants to run away? We can’t keep it for ourselves longer. If she leaves, it’s our fault”.

They get pictures of everything they find. Jeno shuts the laptop for Jaemin and removes the keychain –pen drive– where it was. 

He rushes Jaemin up and closer by his hips, side profile beautifully darkened with the pale moonlight rays when he looks over the door. Mole under his eye in sight and soft dark hair falling behind his ears, parted in the middle.

“Kiss me”.Jeno eyes him, back of his thighs pressing where the desk chair is.

“Baby, do you think it’s the right time for that?”. Jaemin widens his eyes when Jeno unzips his jeans, grabbing Jaemin’s hand to cup at his crotch.

“Ah– fuck Nana, keep going”. He fake moans, well, Jaemin recognizes it is fake. It’s too loud for Jeno, pushing hips against his hand and grabbing his nape to start a dirty kiss.

Jaemin is taken aback, going along with whatever Jeno is doing, a bit stiff with the way he moves his mouth at first. 

“Kiss me like you want me”. He whispers a lot more quietly and makes another exaggerated moan of his name, guiding Jaemin’s hand in his underwear, this time hissing for real when Jaemin strokes him.

“I always want you”. Jaemin says genuinely, his smile teasing when Jeno starts making real pleased sounds. His legs leaning against the desk. “Whatever you’re doing, you seem to be enjoying this”.

Jeno presses his tongue to his bottom lip, head resting on Jaemin’s shoulder looking where the door opens, gaping with breathy sounds as Jaemin keeps stroking him. A hand moving on his shaft despite not knowing exactly what is going on.

Jaemin feels Jeno hiding his head in the crook of his neck, whispering “I’m sorry I thought he was taking less to get here”.

There’s some louder steps and a few curses from Donghyuck’s familiar nasal and sweet voice, loud as he’s screaming at them. Jeno turns pretending to be covering himself because he got caught. He’s just grimacing at Jaemin who understands, huffing out a short laugh. 

Jeno heard Donghyuck before Jaemin could, finding a believable excuse for them being up in the bedrooms instead of dancing at the party. Again, very smart of Jeno. Not so convenient when they’re both hard and facing a bewildered Donghyuck.

“Guys... fuck, guys!”. He stresses, voice loud enough to echo in the girl’s room. “Can’t you keep your hands in your pockets for another hour? Or at least use the bathrooms up here, not my sister’s room”.

Jeno puts a hand on top of his mouth shaping an innocent “Oh” sound, pretending to look around and bites his index finger. Jaemin is impressed, shocked and wants to make Jeno feel good, this side of him utterly attractive.

The apologetic face he makes is priceless. “Sorry Hyuck, I should have noticed the ballet shoes, this isn’t your room”.

“So you would have done it in my bedroom if you knew you were in mine?”. Donghyuck glances over Jaemin, probably asking if the boy is drunk or there’s another explanation for Jeno to act like this. 

Jaemin might blurt out he loves him for all he’s witnessing tonight, raising his shoulders at their friend, amusement written all over his features.

“Yeah, you deserve it”. Jeno walks out of the room, tilting his head for Jaemin to follow. “The bathroom you said, hm?”.

“I’m not drunk enough for this”. Donghyuck moves a hand dismissively, leaving them alone. 

When he’s out of sight they both start laughing, Jaemin shaking with his own laughter and hiding his face in the crook of Jeno’s neck.

“What was all you just did”. Jeno kisses him, needier when the act is done.They stumble back to the bathroom, this time locking the door with no intention to fake it.

  
  


They’re really gone mad, Jeno stripped off clothes and gasps laying on the bathroom’s freezing floor, legs open for Jaemin. 

He goes for something different, straight up licking inside his rim and Jeno sighs, legs tensing around his head. They’re impossible, and have so much digging to do, instead they’re in a bathroom at a party none of them cares about attending. Losing time having sex.

“Nana, use your fingers. It’s nice, but I kind of want to ride you so. Quick”.

Jaemin gawks at Jeno as he looks up where he was busy pleasuring Jeno, and the black haired boy chuckles, moving him closer to his face. 

“So?”.

“What happened to my Jeno. My boyfriend, who are you?”.

“Still Jeno”. He wraps one leg around Jaemin. “I’m just very comfortable with you”.

Jaemin gives him a mellow kiss breaking off a moment of their horny thoughts and sounds. 

That doesn’t last long, Jeno takes his hand and pushes it where his rim is, Jaemin squeezing his eyes in a small laugh. “Impatient tonight, aren’t we?”.

“Yeah”. Jeno rolls them over, straddling Jaemin. He aligns himself pushing his length close to his entrance, bottom lip caught in his teeth.

Jaemin takes his hands back with worry, head shaking anticipating his words. “Let me prepare you, it is going to hurt you”.

“Let me try. I’ll bottom myself at my own pace”. Jeno guides Jaemin’s hand around his ass, guiding him to stretch it open. Jeno finds a way to push the tip inside him on his own. “You just have to keep me spread like this''.

It’s not as easy as it sounds, Jeno’s face twists in pain burning more than he expected, and Jaemin glares at him. Jeno only bends down to kiss him, biting the skin of his neck when he’s halfway down, sinking teeth to shift the pain somewhere else. 

When Jeno starts setting a pace and Jaemin closes his eyes, he’s dizzy and sees stars. 

Jeno is tight, mewling breathy sounds that make him go crazy, focusing on the quick snap of his hips and wet noises between their bodies. His thighs shake after a while, weary and Jaemin can tell from how he slows down abruptly. Jaemin finishes them off setting a quick pace they both need.

He’s got used to this kind of closeness with Jeno. Jaemin loves to hear his fluttery heartbeat on his chest mixing with his own, the fatigued breaths slowing down. How Jeno keeps moaning whenever they kiss after, pulling out later than he’d do with anyone else, rocking his lips when they’re overstimulated. 

Jaemin likes to check every time with a light heart that Jeno is always fine, sighing and relaxing with him. If it’s on a bed or on a bathroom floor now sweating cold with humidity it doesn’t matter. 

“Round two?”. Says Jeno against his chest, looking spent. “Kidding, I’m so tired”.

“I’m cleaning us up. Then we can go home, we’ll try to not wake your mother”.

“She’s with the second years on that stupid sport trip nobody likes”.

“I forgot”. Jaemin laughs, his neck sore from the uncomfortable floor. “What do you mean, it was fun”.

  
  
  


Jaemin is wearing his cold jeans, watching Jeno’s slim waist covered with a shirt again. 

He’s happy, knees wobbly and cheeks flushing seeing his boyfriend limping around the room. 

Jeno looks disheveled, mussy hair pointing in all directions and a littered jaw, wetting a towel to clean himself better where he’s still not wearing underwear. His bare legs are smooth and pale as he can’t help but stare at the beauty.

The pit of his stomach impossibly warms, knowing there’s no shame for them to do things that used to embarrass Jaemin in the past, on the one night stands he had. 

He wants to help Jeno, staring at the boy’s perfect body to his eyes. His phone buzzes distracting him with a message.

The lighthearted smile drops, taking in a sharp breath. He scrolls through photos of Lia’s printed letters that were in his math book pages. Book he left at Renjun’s place the other day when they were studying together. He should have been more careful.

  
  


**From** : Injunie

_jaemin_

_what the fuck are these?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess this is where the questions thickens and things get more complicated... i personally really loved writing jaemin and jisung's scenes for this one.
> 
> thank you for reading this looong story. see you on the next chapter :)


	4. white dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here to remind you to check the tags again if you didn’t yet, look if there’s something possibly triggering you because this chapter is quite heavy.
> 
> there are different pov, don’t worry you can get it from the narration when it shifts to other characters! it is going to be this way from this chapter going on. it is the easiest way to explain the plot and solve some of the questions you might have.
> 
> enjoy!

Jaemin ignores Renjun’s call, for the fifth time. His chest has been hurting with stress, walking the spotless path to the house. 

He wears his best smile knocking at Donghyuck’s house door. Of course, it is out of courtesy, the family has security at the gateway which is something Jaemin has never seen before the party. Seems like they’re being careful recently.

Strange, but Jaemin can’t be bothered when Mrs Lee hugs him, chirping about how handsome he’s gotten and that she’s happy to see him. Jaemin should be in school, studying at the library when he has a few tests to pass. 

He’s here for different reasons, trying to avoid Renjun storming him with overly expressive texts and ignored calls is one of those.

The house looks impeccable, the recent party completely forgotten in the perfectly untouched glass windows and shiny floors. He smiles at the woman one last time, heading upstairs where Donghyuck should be in his room. Stopping his steps as he’s climbing up the stairs when he hears two arguing voices.

“I know Jisung isn’t home most of the times you say you’re visiting, what are you doing with him Lia?”. 

It’s Donghyuck, voice angry and there’s a silent pause before he can hear anything else.

“Nothing! We’re doing a project together and it was a coincidence that Mr. Park was there. He lives there too, can you blame me?”.

Jaemin tries to be quiet, moving where the siblings’ are getting louder. 

“That’s bullshit and you should be careful! Fuck, you know our fathers–”.

Jaemin sees Lia holding Donghyuck’s arm to stop him from talking, he turns over where Jaemin is facing both of them. He bumps his ankles together, sporting an apologetic glance.

“I’m sorry, is it a bad time? I’m only here to give you these”. He shows Donghyuck the notes he lended him to study. 

Him visiting was a perfect excuse to dig more and pass by Lia’s room again with some luck and fairly good acting skills. Lia is back, making that damned keychain a part of her body, never leaving it unguarded once. 

She steps back from the firm grip at her brother’s arm. “No, he’s all yours”.

She walks in her room, and Jaemin is no fool to hear she purposely slams the door louder. 

Jaemin recognizes the face Donghyuck makes when he’s lying. A stretched –I have everything under control– smile and a roll of his eyes as he takes the stack of notes back.

“Kids these days”. He mutters.

“Yeah, she seemed a little nervous”. Jaemin swims in tricky situations since he was put in a society where he had to learn how to balance his words. “Sorry for eavesdropping, it really was unintentional. Is Lia familiar with Jisung’s father?”.

“She’s his daughter more than my parents are”.

Jaemin swallows, lips sticking together, disturbed by Donghyuck’s words. He might be extremely wrong with that. 

He feels sick since he found out, not sure how long he can hold everything inside. It was supposed to be only him and Jeno, for safety reasons. Renjun knows too for his fault, and Donghyuck definitely senses something he doesn’t want to share with anyone. 

“Isn’t it strange? Her hanging out with that man when Jisung isn’t around?”.

Donghyuck shrugs, moving closer to pat Jaemin’s back. “The day you’ll get what goes on in her mind let me know. I have to go, see you at school”.

“Bye”. Jaemin turns, disappointed and confused. Donghyuck pretends to have no idea when he must have at least an inkling of it. He wouldn’t accept their affair so calmly, there is something else he’s angry about.

  
  


Jaemin stays longer in the mansion, Donghyuck’s mother offering tea and meaningless chatter about school, their social links and the events for the week. There’s always arrangements going on, to attend, dress up, impress and bond for business. 

The sky is particularly clear when he finally notices his surroundings. It’s getting colder, Jaemin looks at the flat water of the swimming pool and he’s tempted to freeze his fingers dipping them inside. 

His brain is at the brink of crumbling, spending the whole night giving sense to all the numbers he found in the letters, shifting their order to create phone numbers, codes, all to nothing. He can’t find the key, or whatever they need to have a shred of helpful evidence.

Donghyuck’s mother says he looks tired, suggesting he should take an evening break from studying, and he’s going to pass for sure. 

Of course, Jaemin wants to scoff, everyone can pass in their school. Dishonesty is seen more than he sees his parents. Jaemin likes to earn, by taking the effort to actually study instead of investing some good money for their school. Have it the easy way.

He hears Lia climbing down the stairs, hair up for ballet and eyebrows creasing when she looks outside. This time she smiles at Jaemin, rare to see her true emotions and for once he can tell things are not going as well as she wants to make it seem. 

It’s a satisfying sight, different from the all calculated image, clutching at her bag when she turns to her mother.

“Where is the chauffeur? I have practice”.

Her mother smacks her lips together, apologetic features the girl’s way. Her nails are of a peach shade, adorned with rings pressing to the table. She leans to look outside.

“I’m sorry darling, you know they need to change the wheels monthly. Call a taxi, I have things to do at the office”.

“I can give you a lift”. Jaemin smiles kindly, the same way Lia does and her perfectly shaped eyebrows fall for a moment. “I need to be at the school’s library anyway”.

“Oh can you, sweet? You’re an angel”.

Lia does a small sarcastic scoff and Jaemin catches it, giving her a funny glare. Yeah, he’s not an angel or the lover boy every single mother of his friends adores. That is no secret, not even to the freshman of their school. 

She smooths her uniform skirt, walking ahead of him. Jaemin stands up, waving at Mrs Lee goodbye following her outside.

“Let’s go then”.

  
  


Jaemin, despite seeing Lia since the day she was born to date, has no true idea of who she is. 

She has that unreadable face fixed, if you really pay attention displaying the faintest shade of emotions. Stone cold, and oddly terrifying considering she’s so young. 

Donghyuck is quite the opposite. Caused scenes while growing up, his personal battles ending up in everyone's mouths the day after they happened. Bursting in each single one of his feelings. Jaemin is sure the only real private thing is his family business and the relationship Renjun and he have. 

He’s gotten better at hiding his life’s inconvenience. 

She doesn’t seem an ounce entertained by Jaemin, moving her cured nails fast replying to texts, lips pressing in concentration. Jaemin subtly tries to peek, and does one obvious glance downward just to tease her, smirking at the way she hides the screen against her chest.

“Got a boyfriend to hide?”. Jaemin winks, eyes focusing on the road. “Or girlfriend, I don’t judge”.

“Yeah, it would be hypocritical of you. Everyone knows you’re quite open minded”.

Jaemin smiles, he’s never said anything directly but he stands for everyone’s freedom to love, nothing bad with it. Oh, and the –not so fake– rumors of his two partners on night stands he had during the summer. 

“Everyone should be. Don’t change the topic”.

“Look, Jaemin. You’re not my father, or my brother”. She answers ready, sneering harshly.

“Your brother doesn’t seem too happy. I have advice though”. Jaemin takes a glimpse of her, pushing the car mirror down and she’s fixing her brown locks. “I would avoid men over forty”.

There it is, exactly what Jaemin wanted; a  _ reaction _ . 

Her confident face falls. Just for a few seconds, the biting smile ready to answer staggers, and she stretches her arm to close the mirror. 

She looks at Jaemin carefully, as she’s asking if he knows and what he’s talking about at the same time, calculating her words and choices. He sees all the analyzing process in her glance.

It lasts briefly, a small huff falling out of her puffy lips. “I’m fourteen”.

“You’re fourteen”. Jaemin is satisfied, repeating her young age through a pointed tone in his voice. 

He still has nothing but at least she knows it is dangerous, and  _ wrong _ . Jaemin stops the car right in front of the school, stairs of grey stone and a few students outside. “I’m kidding, but please don’t give Hyuck too much trouble, okay?”.

She pecks Jaemin’s cheek, cold as ever but it’s funny when she also looks like an annoyed little sister. 

They used to be closer, Jaemin treated her as one until she grew up and suddenly he can’t tell anymore what every stare of her means. Suddenly all the little things he could attach on to make her laugh were gone, replaced with this stranger he’s in a way close due to their families. 

“Thank you for the lift”.

  
  
  
  


Jaemin has plans when he gets to school, and none of those entail Renjun taking him by the arm, pushing him to the first locker of the boys’ changing room. He sighs, looking downward at the shorter before he throws his head back to the locker, making an annoyed sound.

“Renjun it’s not the time”.

“Oh no, it is the time”. His best friend shoves the printed papers to his chest, an angry stare as they crumple in a fist. “Why do you have these and why aren’t they in the police’s hands or Donghyuck’s family lawyer?”.

“It’s not so simple. I’m losing my head behind this for more than a month”. He pushes him off, taking a seat at the cold bench. 

Renjun walks nervously in circles taking a few breaths. He sits next to him, and Jaemin grabs the papers folding them. No one else needs to see.

“Help me understand”. Renjun grabs his shoulders to faintly shake them. “This is sickening Jaemin”.

He has no choice, Jaemin explains. Starting from him and Jeno finding the letters breaking a drawer, to which Renjun grimaces. How Lia keeps the correspondents in a flash drive she always keeps with her, all the time. 

He mentions his chance to grab it was at Donghyuck's party and they couldn’t steal it or else it would have been suspicious. That was a slip up, but Jaemin starts thinking she wanted someone to see it, a very hazardous request for help. Lia knew about the party, she left the door unlocked.

Jaemin talks about the numbers in the letters Jaemin can’t figure out, all the documents and papers she keeps in the pendrive. 

“Let me help you figure those numbers out”.

“I stayed quiet because this is driving me mad, Jeno as well. You don’t need to be involved”. 

Jaemin sighs, staring at the ruined gym lockers. “It’s consensual. Lia wants to be with him and is aware she can’t go around and tell everyone”.

“Do you think he figured the message out?”. 

“No. I’m sure we’ll know when he does”. Jaemin greets his teeth, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. 

“Jeno thinks he has or is looking for something about their family. Remember in June when Lee and Park ended their project abruptly? The news came through our parents and our circle of people, it wasn’t exactly private”.

“Shit, you’re right”. Renjun frowns, scanning the numbers Jaemin found and marked in the papers with a pencil. “I think my father mentioned they were building a luxury complex. I’m not sure, it failed for money or something else”.

“I don’t think it’s for money”. 

“Me too”. Renjun sighs “Everyone forgot, why would he keep a grudge on their family?”.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. And he’s using Lia in the process, making a girl infatuated with him promising all nice things. He’s sick. Why? There’s nothing her family can give her, why get it from him”.

Renjun glances up where he was looking at the newest pictures they took from her flash drive, a file listing all accounts of the things they assumed Mr. Park promised her. 

They didn’t have a proper chance to look at everything they got from the party, it’s been only a few days and they’re students in need to focus and sleep. Jaemin is going mad, but his eyes glint for a moment when he sees what Renjun is staring at.

His best friend zooms on the photo, biting the inside of his cheek in a sly smile. “She’s checking on him. She made this list to keep evidence”.

  
  
Jaemin drags his feet home, backpack on the floor through the entrance. It is awfully quiet, back from visiting Johnny and Jaehyun to throw some punches for practice. The two decided to leave the apartment for a match Mark is attending. 

He’s wearing out of energy, spending the last crumble of it he had for his fists meeting the rough surface of the red punching bag, not sure he can climb the stairs without taking a break.

Jaemin sits on one of the steps, cheek smashed to the white ceramic of the railings. He had a few shots, stomach hurting in its emptiness. A tired noise escapes his lips, body sore as he arches his spine noticing a light in one of the living rooms. Aretha is most likely asleep, or she has a day off. He can’t remember. 

Recently he stopped thinking about anything that isn’t the mess Lia made. He didn’t see Jeno all day. 

He thinks of texting him but Jeno might be asleep, none of them enjoy talking on their phone anyways, so he just finds himself staring at his phone’s lock screen. 

A picture of him smiling, a pic Jaemin took when Jeno was in a huge hoodie and had a pencil tucked behind his ear. He traces a thumb to the phone’s edges, getting up and finding out what’s keeping his parents awake.

The closer he gets to the room the stronger is the fragrance of candles only his mother lights up, clenching in his jacket. It’s freezing. 

His heart picks up an odd pace, jumpy and restless in his entire body, speeding his steps to close the open window.

His mother is asleep. An arm folded for her forehead resting there, hair falling over her shoulders and the kitchen aisle. There’s a glass of wine next to her, red smudged and sliding in the chalice, a pink lipstick stain. 

Jaemin feels her pulse, pulsing fast and he’s relieved she’s just sleeping, taking in his hand the full small bag of cocaine next to her pills. It seems untouched, anger boiling in Jaemin’s blood. 

  
  
Jaemin opens his father’s office door ready to scream at the man. He doesn’t care what kind of dirty business and problems he digs his hands, arms, his whole body in. Hauling his mother behind it is something he simply can’t stand. 

He’s not surprised the man doesn’t mind, inhaling a shaky breath when he sees him cheating with another woman under him on the couch.

Jaemin heard of it some other nights and ignored as much as he could. He’s motionless seeing it happening in front of him. The grip around the bag of cocaine tightens, hearing his father curse and that woman’s moans stopping as he widens his eyes Jaemin’s way.

He shows he’s holding it, a bitter smile lingering on his lips and his view turns glossy with tears he won’t take the bother to shed. Jaemin is tired. 

“Don’t ever dare hurt my mother again with your bullshit”. He opens the bag and blows inside, white dust floating in the air. “Enjoy your night, asshole”.

His father doesn’t have the time to walk over, covering himself to stop Jaemin. He probably isn’t a single bit affected, and Jaemin walks out of the house fast, the office door left slammed.

He takes a cab, his phone’s battery gone and all he remembers is the vip room where Yukhei mentioned he organizes some parties during the week. 

Jaemin’s father doesn’t see this is ruining the people he’s supposed to love, the man empty of every ounce of care he once had for his mother. Hell, they built a family, a house together, anything good must have been there at one point. 

The club is jazzed, colorful lights and red stuck in chaotic, moving bodies. All Jaemin wants is to erase every thread of his memory, to stop thinking for a second.

About school, a corrupted business, an illegal relationship, his mother drowning with alcohol and pills to survive that hellhole of their house. Scared to divorce, scared to leave Jaemin to the hideous mess he saw earlier. He chugs down a drink, out of breath and spilling it on his shirt with waves of nervous trembling.

This is who he really is at the bottom of all the layers Jeno mentioned a few days ago. A scared little boy, taken over responsibilities, too weak to seek help and shutting his eyes taking another drink, burning his throat. His eyes are wet, combing sweaty palms in his hair into fists.

“Slow down, champion”. 

Jaemin looks up. Orange hair, extremely bright and out of place with all the boring tones of their school, complimenting the club’s space. Chenle gives him a second look, sitting next to him with an arm slung around his shoulders. He looks too euphoric.

And Jaemin sinks his lips until they hurt, taking in his hands the reason why Chenle is so euphoric. It doesn’t take long for him to understand, face grimacing.

“Does Jisung know? Chenle, just because our fathers have it you can’t–”.

“It won’t kill me for a night. And so you won’t. You look like you need it”. 

Jaemin turns the compacted bag in his hand, unsure. If his father sees what such innocent looking dust can do to people you should care about, maybe if he touches the bottom there’s a chance he is going to notice. 

They’re in public, a private club room filled with people he knows. Jaemin wets his finger, dipping it in the bag and shares a look with Chenle.

“Just this once”. He says, stern look as he licks his poisoned digit, a few times more sure no one is minding them at the darker corner where the booth Jaemin decided to nestle in is.

He has the whole bag. Music rumbles in his chest, he can’t feel the sweat dripping down his temples as he moves with the beat. His fingers struggle opening the slots of his shirt, spine sticking to the walls and the rhythm numbs each strip of reason. 

Jaemin can hear his breathing amplified, sweetly sore everywhere he touches and he ruffles Chenle’s hair when they meet again. No idea what time it is, how long he’s been there.

He’s chuckling, weightless and touching the sky with his dusted fingers. Swinging by the counter again, a taste of bitter peach lingering at the tip of his tongue, spinning on his barstool seat when his eyes lock with Johnny and Jaehyun in the club.

Jaemin stands up to greet the older, stumbles in the other’s firm arms avoiding the fall. He giggles, cupping Johnny’s cheeks.

“Hey, that’s where you guys hide”. He kisses Johnny’s cheek, grabbing his hand to the center of the room to the crowded limbs feeling the beat. “Dance with me”.

Johnny is warm, so very warm and his lazy moves have his face fall on the older’s shoulder. 

No one can compare, he’s not Jeno. What would Jeno think of him flashes a few seconds as a distant question, the next song playing is good. 

He’s like the rest of them. Jaemin likes to believe he’s different, but look at him. That’s exactly who he is, not as different from his father, Chenle’s father and all the businessmen pursuing the same lifestyle. 

His head spins every time he looks up to Johnny who’s asking things too demanding he scarcely comprehends, touching his face to find tears when his senseless mouth tastes salt. 

Breaking that enchanting slurry of fruit and vodka and liquids he’s had he can’t recall anymore.

Handled to a couch, blinking twice the smudged concerned face of Jaehyun, sweeping his hair back as Johnny pushes a glass of water to his lips. Jaemin takes a sip tasting thick and bitter, worse than everything he drank tonight.

Jaehyun hovers him, gently fixing his blond strands. “Jaemin, how much did you drink? Why are you here alone?”.

“Not much”. He starts hiccuping, clinging to Jaehyun’s figure when he hugs him.

“Idiot, you’re wasted. Let’s get you home”.

“No”. Jaemin curls his fingers around the boy’s wrist, pleading with such a short word. “Everywhere but home, please”.

  
  
Jaemin finishes the night puking, Johnny soothing his back as he bends to the toilet, dry heaves filling the echoing space. He’s about to fall asleep on the floor after releasing everything in his body, only spit drooling on his chin if it isn’t for both boys picking him up and tucking him to bed.

The mattress sinks next to his laying body. Jaehyun curves his body and shapes it to match Jaemin’s position, chest pressing to his spine. 

“Nana, what’s going on? Did you fight with Jeno? Dad?”. His brother’s nose presses to his neck, voice low and near. 

Like the old days, when Jaemin was little and had nightmares during storms, running to the older’s bedroom for rescue. “You never get drunk”.

“I’m fine”. Jaemin croaks out, throat sore with the violent twisting of his insides every time he breaths to speak or focuses on their talking. “Tomorrow will be fine”.

  
  
He wakes up to a piercing whistling sound buzzing in his ears, shifting and clinging to Johnny. 

Jaemin manages a smile, engulfed by the two older boys, starting to sweat. The walls of his head pound painfully the more his brain realizes he is awake.

Johnny’s room is familiar, he’s seen it tons of times at night. This is the first time his hurting and tired eyes give a proper look around, not busy crawling to the bed and face the pillow for Johnny to fool around with him like it used to be.

The older combs his hair, his fingers long. It’s calming, slow, the boy’s cologne smells nice and warm but it doesn't affect him anymore. Instead, it's very friendly and he appreciates it. 

Renjun was never much of a cuddler anyway, good to give in to a caring gesture not owing intimacy to anyone. Nothing really works anymore when there's someone else’s hands, smile, and the way he gently brings Jaemin down to his chest he can't stop thinking about.

Jaehyun sneaks an arm around Jaemin, falling onto Johnny’s stomach. He pats his palm there a few times, nose sinking in Jaemin’s blond hair.

“I left for college worried about my little brother and my best friend while you two got wild all summer”.

Jaehyun chuckles, and Jaemin slightly turns his head to look at him apologetically. He sees his mirth fallen in warm brown, reassuring.

“Leave him alone”. Johnny playfully hits the older who now has his signature dimples back in sight. “Jaemin has a boyfriend now, get over it”.

“Nana”. Jaehyun hugs him properly when he turns, hiding his face in the wrinkly grey shirt, Jaehyun holds his cheek to look at him. “Why did you get that drunk? We were worried sick”.

Jaemin won't tell. Not how bad it is, everything that Jaehyun luckily only knows a small part of. 

He can’t admit the air he inhales whenever he's home is suffocating, blocking his lungs in a space as big as their house is. Can’t admit he has good people in his life that make him want to stay, but at the same time he wishes he would get drunk or high and never wake up again. 

Never face once again their life, the expectations, reputation to keep solid and for what? To have a father selling cocaine, a mother loopy with pills whenever her husband brings home another woman to fuck under her eyes? 

Jaemin makes a sheepish smile, softening for Jaehyun. “I’m sorry. It's nothing, I just fought with Jeno”.

Jaemin feels bad for the genuine encouragement and worried eyes of the older. “Nothing you can't fix, right?”.

“Don't worry”. Jaemin lays on Jaehyun’s chest, eyes turning empty. “It was stupid. I was stupid”.

“Maybe you should rest some more and then try to meet him. I’m sure he wants to make up”.

  
  
  
  
Jaemin opens his mouth, the wet sound of Jeno’s tongue licking inside his, shifting closer where he’s straddling him on the couch. He feels boneless, doing nothing but latching his hands on the boy’s neck, one fistful of hair as his breathing thickens lacking air from their kiss.

Jeno’s mother is not home, and they had a long phone call with Renjun. Lia is keeping track of all the investments Mr Park is making for her, as they already figured, she’s checking on the man. She probably understood at some point he is fooling her, and if she’s playing with him back she’s risking a lot. 

They have no idea what or who Lia is protecting, it must be something about her entire family, most likely related to older business. Renjun is trying to give sense to the numbers they have, saying a fresher view than the saturated one Jaemin and Jeno have losing their minds over for weeks can help them.

He’s not happy there’s another person dealing with it. At least he can hope it serves to let this nightmare end faster. 

Jaemin whines, feeble from the way Jeno is nibbling his neck. His fists tighten in the black hair and he shivers the second time he whines, sounding more painful than pleasured. 

His head keeps spinning, and the next second he realizes he’s gripping at Jeno, gasping for air.

“Jaem”. Jeno's face crumbles as Jaemin starts taking deep and choked breaths, high pitched ragged sounds because he can’t give proper air to his lungs. “Hey. What’s going on, can you hear me?”.

He’s familiar with that feeling. Jaemin is panicking. He stutters something, not sure what comes out of his mouth, digits and nails digging to Jeno’s shoulders. His eyes are shut, wet with tears and if he focuses he hears his irregular breathing pattern. 

Jeno's gentle voice is there, holding him close and soothing his back.

“Baby, calm down. Breath for me okay?”. 

Jaemin nods, fingers hooked at the collar of Jeno’s shirt. There’s blood in his chapped lips, eyes blown and trembling looking up at his boyfriend.

“Did something happen at home?”.

“‘s just a bad day”. Jeno doesn’t believe him, Jaemin can’t convince himself either. 

“Help me make it better”. Jeno leans in, pecking his lips even when he tastes like blood and cold sweat. 

“You have to rest. Stay here tonight, no need to entertain me in any way, hm? You can crash on the mattress and not speak a word”.

“I love you”. 

Jeno wipes his tears, not the first time he does it. He’s the only one to see him weak, him and Jaehyun. Jaemin was taught to be strong, manly, the steel pillar of his family. He is young, and as much as they all like to play grownups, he’s fading with a burden bigger than him. 

When you’re young, the security of having adults mending all your trouble is protective. Someone responsible for keeping you out of all the corrupted situations, fixing it where you mess up.

This is ruining Jaemin’s life. They have no adults saving them when they are taking said role, that security is thrown through the tears he’s crying in front of Jeno. 

“I’m sorry I love you. I’m sorry Jeno”.

“Why? Don’t be sorry, this is good, Nana”. Jeno’s eyes are confused, and somehow watery as well. “I love you too. I love you, there’s nothing wrong with it”.

“Can I really stay here?”.

Jeno frames his cheeks, pressing a short kiss to his forehead. “As long as you need”.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hey handsome”. Jaemin blocks Chenle from leaving the school building, orange hair turning with a grimace. He scans up and down to his figure, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

“Don't call me that ever again”.

Jaemin rolls his eyes, resting on the break room seats. He’s fidgety, nails bitten and despite Jeno helping him sleep at his place he needs a push. A little something. He’s already gotten it a few times during the past weeks, wrong parties and places attending through invitations from the right social circle.

Jaemin looks lost, many told him recently. And Jaemin sees it as well, more than anyone else. He’s conscious of his current state.

Ill pale, permanent livid eyes and he wanders around, unsure what he’s looking for. The high he comes down each time is the only way to bare his home, smiling during dinner and telling his father it's okay if he fucks every woman he can with a sharp smile. 

Shrugging off the man’s excuses, fogging in the addiction. Turns out his business does quite well to save him. Might be the most caring thing he’s done so far for Jaemin.

“You keep it around. Don't you?”. Spam of a nervous eyebrow filling the silence.

Chenle stares at him wavering, checking no one is listening to them before he comes near.

“I don't sell at school. Not a single minor is involved if it worries you. You know it better than me all these shitty people–”.

“I’d like some of it”.

“We said once”. Chenle’s scolds, glare emphasizing how much of a bad idea it is. 

Jaemin avoided it as much as he could, even after seeing his father in the middle of business. Chenle accepts the reality of things and Jaemin envies his carefree coexisting with it. 

“I changed my mind”. Jaemin shrugs, sighing as he gets out his wallet. “How much?”.

“I don't need money”. Chenle scoffs, shaking his hand to pass a dose to him. “Call it family business, it's not like you need to pay”.

“How convenient”. Jaemin doesn’t even know what smiling means anymore. A lipped, sarcastic stretch of lips, sad even under Chenle’s eyes.

“Jaemin, you’re losing control. Someone has to tell you.

He stands up, a short pat on Chenle’s knee. “Exactly”.

  
  
Jaemin is free from the last class, one week of temporary euphoria in and out his nostrils. 

His heart takes the adjusted loud pounding, sure the bio test went well. 

Minsuh gave him an odd look during the lecture. He can’t blame her, he looked lifeless the previous day at hers and Jeno’s house. Completely different from his strolling in the school’s corridors. A renewed Jaemin, quickening his steps spotting Jeno.

The boy turns startled as Jaemin hugs him from behind, giving a look around where a few people are staring at them. 

Jeno manages a smile, a hand up meant to rest on his cheek but he stops. Jaemin takes his wrist and encourages him to stroke it. He keeps smiling, huffing a laugh and leaning where their noses brush together.

“What are you doing?”.

“Screw it, I don’t care what they think. Kiss me”.

Jeno chuckles at Jaemin’s wily hands trying to hook at the slots of his button-down to touch his skin, kissing in a languid kiss not too appropriate for school. Tongue lingering too long in his mouth. Jaemin’s stomach jumps, laughing again as he presses his lips at Jeno’s jaw.

“Are you okay?”. Jeno keeps grinning incredulously, tracing a thumb through his eyebrow’s thin hair. 

Jaemin looks over at a girl subtly holding her phone up in their direction. He blows the camera a kiss, as if she needs proof of them being together when they’re in a busy corridor after a test for everyone to see.

“I’m happy”. He kisses him again. “And my parents aren’t home”.

  
  
  
  


Jeno rarely has been to his house. It’s not a part of Jaemin he likes to expose, afraid of losing Jeno through the compromising walls. 

His boyfriend gets a glimpse of where the sketchy part of their money comes from. Jeno saw it before Jaemin and yet he’s still here, willingly holding his hand as Jaemin runs to the indoor pool. 

“Are you sure we’re alone?”. Jeno asks as Jaemin discards his clothes, wetting his bottom lip. Fingers fretful to take his underwear off

“I’m doing all the work here”. Jeno rolls his eyes, taken by Jaemin’s hungry kisses, discarding the last piece of clothing. “Don’t worry, it’s just us”.

Jaemin bruises Jeno’s neck, hands roaming down his chest and abdomen, guiding the boy’s hands to his ass. Jeno hisses when he boldly palms him through the stuffy jeans fabric.

Jeno warns, calling his name, gladly holding Jaemin’s leg crawling up his hips.

“We haven’t done it in so long, baby”. 

The glass doors covering the pool lighten the space and expose Jeno’s goosebumps, the red rim of Jaemin’s eyes, long lashes fluttering shut in a groan when he strokes him. “I miss you, Jen”.

“I can tell”. Jeno whines when Jaemin turns back and presses his ass to his length, grinding back at every jerking of hips forward. 

The other's usual veiny hands wrap his cock, a few defined strokes to ease his hurry. Jeno’s lips graze his ear, biting the soft skin there. “And you want me to take care of you”.

“I can top if you want that. I don’t mind, I only need you to–”. Jaemin rocks his hips, breathy moans echoing louder in the room. “Please don’t reject me”.

Jeno giggles, raising his hands in question when Jaemin pulls and dips right into the pool’s warm water, blinking drops embedded in his lashes. 

“We have a pool. Let’s take the chance, all of these fucking money”.

Jeno swims, Jaemin paddling away from him. He reaches the borders of the pool and there’s nowhere else he is truly escaping, resting his spine there. He spreads his legs open for his Jeno to settle in between. 

Their kisses taste of chlorine, slippery digits gripping at his shoulders, Jaemin quite desperate to feel something. His head falls back at the easy slip of Jeno’s fingers inside him.

His senses are amplified from the growing old and familiar addiction, water splashing with every crashing of water at their frenzy movements. The sun filters pale on the rippling water, neck stinging with a few harsh bites of blooming hickeys. 

Their moans break the hushed silence as a curse does. They’re frantic choked sounds, head hiding in his folded arms steading to the pool border as he arches his spine feeling Jeno deeper, his own voice muffled by wet skin. 

Jeno’s heavy breathing is all over him, in an uncomfortable position, one leg bent easing the access, trapped at a corner where the water’s level is low for them to touch the blue ground.

He’s overstimulated, sobbing moans and feeling good, every poisoned feeling doubled with its sensitiveness. Gripping the pool walls meeting every snap of hips. 

“Close?”. Asks Jeno out of breath. He tries to relax with his shaken body by the strength of his thrusts. Jeno is always good, careful, his ears perking at every small sound he shivers with a nod, feeling a sloppy kiss at his nape. 

Jaemin smiles, damp hair sticking to his forehead and down the slope of his nose. 

“Am I loud? I feel like I’m being loud”. 

Jaemin can’t draw the line where his senses are amplified . His skin covered in invisible needles, an unexplainable, addicting kind of artificial electricity. Whining again Jeno’s name as he takes too long to answer.

“Very”. Jeno tries to chuckle, sure his features twitch with the next sound he makes in between. “It’s sexy, I like it”.

Jaemin lightly slams his forehead to the pool at a rough angle, eyes shut when Jeno starts hitting a good spot. 

The indoor pool’s space sounds of rushed breaths and the splashing water mixed to their filth and when Jaemin looks up, he chokes a shocked noise.

  
  


His mother stands at the other side of the glass. Far from them, a glass of wine in hand and petrified as her mouth gapes.

He starts trembling, glad Jeno’s face is buried in his shoulder getting close to his release, Jaemin’s body moving to every strong thrust as he gasps. Blinking absently a few times at the woman. 

She covers her mouth with one of her cured hands, turning in her bathrobe disappearing in another room.

Jaemin pretends to cum. He forces himself to clench around Jeno as the other is genuinely enjoying his release, palms gently soothing where he was grabbing his hips. 

His eyes are shut, hands rubbing strongly on them he finds a few eyelashes stuck on his fingers.

Facing Jeno a wide smile paints his face. He pushes his black hair to the side, his fingers stroking the line of his jaw, eyes soft. His heart hurts with nervousness, scared but he doesn’t want to bother Jeno. 

“You can get a clean bathrobe, the showers are right through that corridor”. Jaemin mentions the way. “I’ll join you in a moment. Wait for me?”. Another tight smile as he cups Jeno’s cheek. 

“Sure”. Jeno frowns from his previous happy lifting of his lips, kissing Jaemin’s forehead. “Everything okay? You look weird”.

“I’m always fine with you”. He closes his eyes at another careful press of lips, on his cheek. 

  
  


Truth is, as Jaemin walks with bare feet clutching at his bathrobe, he’s terrified. 

All he’s wishing is for his mother to not cause a scene. Jeno is still here and that’s the last thing he wants. He can’t expect her to smile or have anything close to a positive reaction, anyone would be displeased seeing their son having sex in the family pool.

As his heart eats his nerves making him about to flee, he pushes the door of her studio. 

She’s smoking, same glass of wine on the long desk. Staring outside the window, finger tracing the space where she stopped wearing the wedding ring. Jaemin notices it for the first time, clearing his throat.

She looks at him, eyes glazed with sadness, sighing gesturing the seat in front of her. He presses his lips and nods, digging nails in his palms. 

“Look, mom. I’m only asking you to scream at me later if you despise me that much. He’s here and I care about him, and it would ruin everything between us. He’s the only good thing I have in my life right now”.

Her eyes are wide, a baffled huff of air. “Hate on you? Jaemin, I’m your mother”.

“It’s not like it has ever stopped dad from calling slurs addressing me as well”.

“He doesn’t know”.

“Does it matter?”. Jaemin stares down at the desk, playing with the sharp point of a pen. Ink staining his finger. “That’s what he actually thinks of me”.

His mother’s warm hand holds his, torturing her lips before her cheeks shape in a smile he’s missed so much. “What’s his name?”.

“What?”.

“Jaemin, I can’t change you. I’m proud of who you are. I believe when I gave birth to you and Jaehyun I brought to the world the best parts of me. I can see them and get inspired whenever life guides me in the wrong places”.

She opens her arms, inviting, and Jaemin has never felt more defeated and safe sitting in his mother’s lap. He breathes her perfume, a sweet scent she’s been wearing for as long as Jaemin can remember, cold nose sniffling avoiding tears he’s been shedding frequently.

“I’m not your best part, I’m too flawed. Making so many mistakes”.

“One of them is definitely being so intimate in our pool with your boyfriend”. Jaemin cringes, an embarrassed chuckle. “He is your boyfriend, right? Don’t fool with strangers, and be careful if you do”.

“Jeno, it’s his name. He’s my boyfriend, don’t worry”. His mother hums, fixing the muss of damp blonde in his head through her long nails. They stay quiet for a few minutes, he hopes Jeno is waiting patiently.

“Can I meet him? With clothes on. We can pretend I didn’t see you”.

“Please”. Jaemin hugs her, giving a peck on her cheek. “Thank you mom, this means a lot”.

“I know it is hard for you. You’re my son, I support you. This is just something small, it doesn’t change who you are and all your qualities”.

She pursues her lips in a funny scowl staring at a spot of his neck, covering it with Jaemin’s bathrobe. “Go change, I’m waiting for you in the living room”.

“Which one?”.

“The family one”. She pinches his cheek. “The guest one is too formal, I don’t like it”.

Jaemin chuckles. “You designed it”.

“I did many things not fitting who I am anymore, sweet”. 

  
  
  
  


Jaemin tells Jeno his mother wants to meet him.. He figures the other trusts him from the lack of fear in his eyes, maybe nervous as he cares about Jeno being appreciated by his mother like Jaemin does. 

Jaemin stands in front of his bedroom mirror, a towel wiping the shower’s condense on glass. Shivering with the opened window, combing properly his hair.The shirt he wants to wear folded on the mattress.

He watches Jeno settle behind him, chin resting on his shoulder. His fingers start mapping his stomach and rest at his first rib. Jaemin’s arms are up, fixing his hair; the edgy bones stick out, locking eyes through the mirror. 

Jaemin grabs the free hand to kiss his palm, leaning back to his chest comfortably.

“You’re very thin, Nana. I noticed it a couple of days ago but now–”. Jeno clears his throat, pressing his cold nose on the crook of his neck. “You’re not eating”.

He faces his reflection. Face slimmed down elongating the shape, eyes seeming bigger and consumed every time he stares at himself. He takes a deep breath, turning to hug Jeno.

“I’m okay, I’m just not that hungry recently. School and everything else”.

“That thing we found, it can’t consume you, okay? We can always call the police. Your health should come first”.

“No. No, we can’t. We need to protect Donghyuck and Lia, no matter how fucked whatever they’re trying to save about their family is. We always have each other’s back here, that’s how it works. We can’t”.

Jeno doesn’t say anything, sighing as he hugs him back. 

  
  


Their meeting is surprisingly nice. His mother is nice, truly making an effort to pretend she didn’t see a thing reading an unspoken complicity and Jeno’s red cheeks and sheepish attitude is a treat to witness. 

They talk for a while and it would be weird to retell how they met, opting for a second truth. They actually first spoke in school, Jaemin admits he really liked Jeno and so his boyfriend does his part saying he was already crushing on him. 

Jeno admits he joined the swimming team organization for some time just to see Jaemin. He’s flushing so strongly Jaemin believes it isn’t made up. He feels at ease to hold his hand as they talk with the woman.

Having his mother by his side is refreshing to his heart used to be sore. He spends fun hours around Jeno and Jaehyun during the week as well, but the morning Jaemin hides near the school with a joint in hand he feels smashed on the ground, scraping all that’s left of him.

He swallows a few times, dips his fingers in a white bag Chenle reluctantly gave him in the morning, pleading the younger after a solid week finding his way to get it directly from his house walls. 

There isn’t a great amount he can steal or his father will notice, and he can’t pretend to be selling it. Jaemin doesn’t want nor is ready to handle the weight of bringing easy money in.

He would have never started using it, unfortunate circumstances leading him to crave and shiver from the absence of the good electricity boiling his blood. Fueling an energy wearing out.

Sticking his tongue inside the finished back, rubbing his nose with it as he rests at a brickwork, inhaling burning smoke alone. Jaemin feels miserable. 

Renjun sent him a few texts. Jaemin pretends he is late, not a great excuse when he has a driver bringing him to school. His wrists bend weakly, bones hurting whenever he moves or lifts his arm, weed relaxing the jumpy state cocaine feeds his blood. 

Minsuh looks at him worried when he enters the classroom, Jaemin smiles and takes a seat. 

He can’t focus, missing so many words he has no idea what she is teaching. Staring blankly to what he has in front of him, the chair’s blue legs blurring into colorful lines, flashes of black and color of his blinking lashes. 

Jaemin swallows back a few gagging sensations, head spinning and nose itching with an odd discomfort, stomach dropping continuously as he’s falling from the highest point of a rollercoaster.

He watches a drop of blood staining his notebook, growing to an important flow when he presses a hand to his nose, wiping the chair back in a strong sound. It catches the class attention, muffled to his ears whistling painfully.

He tries a run to the bathroom, getting up abruptly. His legs wobble after a few steps, and before he can grab the door handle his entire body surrenders. 

The last thing he feels is an extreme pain of his knees hitting the ground and Jeno’s mother calling his name.

  
  
  
  
“Nana? Please Jaemin, it’s me, Jeno. Wake up”.

“Guys, please don’t crowd him. Jeno, you too”.

“No”. Jaemin half opens his eyes at the nervous and higher voice, recognizing Jeno cupping his cheeks, warm fingers trembling. There’s a backpack under his head, wincing when he slumps closer to the boy’s chest. 

He rubs his nose at Jeno’s palm, chapped lips sticking muddy when he grimaces to have a sound come out of his throat.

Jaemin shakes his head, fingers curling at Jeno’s nape to bring their forehead together. “I’m fine”.

“You’re scaring me to death Jaemin, you’re not fine”. Jeno’s teeth are chattering, Jaemin tilts his head to place a brief kiss. “We need to call an ambulance”.

“Don’t”. Jaemin looks at him scared, that’s the last thing he wants, to have doctors find all the shit flooding in his veins. “I just- wanna rest”. 

He makes a tired sob, latching his hands around Jeno’s neck as he tries to sit up, falling on his chest when he does. He grips at Jeno and forces his eyes shut, fearing what anyone around them might think.

“I’m worried for you”.

Minsuh squats down, stroking Jaemin’s cheek and keeps a reassuring hand on Jeno’s shoulders, worrying about their exposure. He’s not sure she knows they kissed in the hallway and voices run fast at Neo Culture. Jaemin can’t even keep his eyelids open, watching Jeno’s uniform dirty with blood.

“Not again, shit”.

“Okay”. Jeno picks him up, arms firm around his dead weight and his legs. Jaemin doesn’t have the strength to circle them on his waist safely. “At least the infirmary, we’re going there”.

  
  
  
Jaemin falls asleep. Jeno skips the next class checking on him. His pulse, a palm pressed at his sweaty forehead noticing the pity stares of the nurse after an hour of not getting up from the wobbly plastic chair next to the boy’s bed. 

Jaemin sleeps, mouth a slit open and a hand curled on the thick cream blanket. He must be really sick to fall asleep there, the most uncomfortable space of their school. The break room couches are better compared to where Jaemin peacefully gives up to his slumber.

Renjun walks in, of course he’s already heard what happened, cursing quietly where they’re staying. 

Ironically he checks Jaemin’s pulse as well, as if there isn’t already a nurse there who did all the basic checks on him, but Jaemin looks almost gone. His heart beats loudly, the only thing reassuring Jeno.

He’s pale, blending with the white walls, lips of a sick shade and there’s a blood stain on his cupid’s bow. Where his nose started bleeding again and Jeno roughly cleaned him up in that lying position. 

“Where’s Jaemin’s backpack”. Renjun asks seriously, sharing a look with a disheveled Jeno, stuttering in his words because he’s lost, focused staring at Jaemin. As if it would make it any better. 

“God, Jeno”.

Renjun hugs him, thin frame but a hold so strong Jeno crumbles in it. Biting his lip he starts trembling, quiet sobs loud in the nearly empty room. Renjun pats his back, detaching after a minute to look at him. There’s a hint of a smile in his small, plump lips.

“Jaemin is right. You’re really a large sized baby”. He jokes, breaking that thick air; shaking softly his shoulders as he keeps looking down.

“If we never found that stupid drawer. He, we, he wouldn’t-”.

“ We’ll get at the bottom of it, okay?”. Renjun pats his cheek stained with tears, grabbing a tissue for him and wanders a look in the room. “Is that Jaemin’s bag?”.

Jeno nods. He watches the shorter uselessly going through it. 

Probably Renjun has no idea what he’s looking for either, moving to Jaemin’s sleeping body and before Jeno can stop him he lifts Jaemin’s arm. Feeling his jacket pockets, eyes dark and fixed on the empty bag still lightly dusted with white.

Even if the bag was impeccably clean they would be able to understand what it is. Jaemin showed all the signs. Jeno holds his hand to take the small plastic, hiding it from the nurse or anyone that can possibly visit Jaemin. 

Renjun is petrified, eyes glancing up to Jaemin’s sleeping face, fist tightening around the border of the bed. Jeno swallows the lump in his throat, heart picking a fast beat. 

Jaemin is not happy, doing this to get rid of his mind and how stupid was of him to believe he was fine. His boyfriend looked so lost after being energetic and euphoric all day, mood changing and pending on the day’s luck. Or his doses, he realizes.

Jeno thinks of the swimming pool day and shivers, afraid he’s hurt him. Jaemin was driven by something that has nothing to do with his feelings for him, altered with drugs to stay bubbly and sparing worry. 

It all finds a place where he couldn’t take his hands and unfold the mystery that was Jaemin’s temper in the past month. 

“How stupid of me, of course”. Renjun whispers next to Jeno, staring at Jaemin’s sleeping body. “The mood swings. I can’t recognize him, too out of control and he’s not like this, never. Who the fuck is selling it to him”.

“Or gifting”. Jeno says, tight-lipped. More to himself than Renjun, realizing he made a mistake when he takes in the gloomy features staring at him.

“Jeno, what does it mean? We don’t have the privilege to hide things right now”.

“I can’t”. Jeno’s voice breaks, inhaling deeply as his eyes get watery. “Jaemin, I promised to him I won’t”.

“Is he in any sketchy circle?”. 

“No, it’s not that. He’s safe”.

Jaemin moves in his sleep, pillow staining with the blood dripping from his nose. 

“Fuck”. Jeno gets up to clean it, an ice bag pressing on his forehead. Renjun notices the half opened eyes of his best friend, deciding they all hurt today. They can have a small break, he’ll think of it later.

He sits on the other side of the bed, holding Jaemin’s hand and both boys stay there waiting for Jaemin’s mother to pick him up. 

Jeno is about to walk to the bus stop with a heavy heart but the woman holds his shoulder, smiling gently at him. “Don’t frown too much, darling. Want join us?”.

“I’d like that”. Jeno looks and feels distraught, hair messy and eyes red. “I need to call my mom first?”.

“Sure, take your time. I’m bringing him to the car”.

Jeno faces Renjun out of the school entrance, walking closer, holding his arm. There’s so much he wants to say besides the troubled sigh he does. Renjun speaks for him.

“You’re protecting him, I get it. But if you happen to know who gave Jaemin that shit tell them I’m strangling them with my bare hands”.

  
  
  
Jeno waits. Talks with Jaemin’s mother, tries to convince her he’s just very tired, stressed with exams and he has a fever. 

He feels horrible lying, but has to do it for all of them, and never in his life he thought he’d protect the people he used to avoid. Life has him fall in love with one of them, realize there’s so much good and hurt mixed in one very fragile body curling next to him on the bed.

His uniform is dirty with Jaemin’s blood, not intending to leave or not keep the boy close to his chest. Hearing his boyfriend’s snoring and heartbeat keeping up a pace under the thin wrist in his fingers is what convinces Jeno they can fix it. 

Jaemin’s mother comes in later with clean clothes, telling Jeno to wear them and make himself home.

Jeno still has that small bag in his pocket. Calling his name, torturing his head and ruining Jaemin. He grimaces to not cry his glossy eyes when Jaemin wakes up and looks at him, cold fingers pressing at his face. 

Jeno lifts the plastic and Jaemin stills in their embrace, eyes darkened in an ill purplish color and bitten, chapped, pale lips.

“Why”. Jeno’s voice cracks. “Just give a reason why you’re doing this”.

“Attention seeking problems”. Jaemin whispers, hand falling on his chest. “A desperate way to let my father notice what this shit does to you. I guess I failed, I ended up hurting someone else that loves me, and I’m addicted. It makes me feel good, frees me from all this shit”.

“You need to stop”. Jeno’s eyes are pleading, foreheads resting together and Jaemin can see how scared they are. “Renjun and I will take care of Lia but you need to stop. There won't be anything left of you if you keep going”.

Jeno holds one of his bony wrists, dried blood from his nose where he wiped it. He circles it with his fingers, the hold is so loose it’s upsetting. Jaemin hates the sight of it as Jeno does.

“You can’t disappear on us, okay?”. Jeno cries, closing a salty kiss tasting of sadness. 

Nothing else but sadness. “I love you Jaemin. I can’t lose you. Not you, too”.

  
  
  
  


Jeno wakes up to his ringing phone, getting up from where Jaemin is deep asleep to not wake him. Answer who he sees is Renjun calling.

“Are you up for a night trip?”. That’s what he asks, Jeno standing closer by Jaemin’s bedroom door and as distant as he can from his bed.

“Not really in the mood, you know”.

“The numbers of the letters are coordinates. I found one that makes sense and is not too far from here”.

“Are you serious? Yes, okay. I– uhm”.

“You don't want to leave Jaemin. It’s okay Jeno, I can go alone”.

“I’m going with you. Jaemin would kill me if you’re alone”. Jeno lifts the corner of his mouth in a brief smile, not that the other can see him. “And we're friends, aren't we?”.

Renjun chuckles from the other line. “Friends who solve crimes together stay together, right. Thank you for taking care of him, I’ll remember it”. 

“Our relationship might have started off the way it did but”. Jeno stops, staring at Jaemin sleeping.

“You love him and he loves you, no need to rub it in the single’s face”.

“You could have it too. With Donghyuck, he told me everything”.

“Yeah, fine. Move your ass outside, I’m picking you up”.

  
  
They drive to a lonely zone free of buildings and Jeno is glad he didn’t let Renjun get there alone. Forty minutes by car and ten extra of a long asphalted street bare of lights that had them questioning if they were going in the right direction. 

They find an abandoned construction location, walking through rusty steel and bright orange plastic tapes. It must be the infamous building left unfinished. A place Mr Park knows well.

He was funding half of the project. Jeno walks quite disappointed, shoes brown with crunching dirt under his soles.

“All the secrecy in the letters for this? What did she gain?”.

“A good laugh?”. Renjun folds his arms in the large yellow and black flannel, straight hair getting long pushed back with the wind. 

“She has him in her little fingers, I hope he won’t figure it out soon. She can get hurt. This is her way to let him know she didn’t fall for his tricks”.

“He can’t do anything without dirtying his name or dealing in court a case he is going to lose. Also, if she really loves her, which is sick”. Jeno grimaces “He would let someone else do the work for him and hurt Lia”.

“He doesn’t love her”. Renjun is freezing, his voice shivering in the breeze. Jeno is about to give him his jacket but he raises a hand to stop him. He ironically scoffs.

“She definitely did have feelings for him, I’m sure she’s upset. And Jeno, a young and smart fourteen year old like Lia getting mad is worse than anything else. She’d do anything to drown his name. This is her warning”. 

Renjun chuckles, kicking a piece of consumed material. “A very classy move, I have to be honest”.

“What do we do from here?”. Jeno says then, defeated. 

This whole affair worsened Jaemin’s mental health. He has an addicted boyfriend at home, looking barely alive. “What was the use?”.

“We protect her. And keep an eye on Donghyuck in case he finds out. The flash drive is proof and Lia is handling this perfectly. I’m still curious what happened here for their families to break things off”.

“Something really bad to cover up”. Jeno guesses, his attention in a hidden angle where he sees some fresh flowers in a vase, tilting his head in that direction. “A death”.

Renjun follows his pointed finger, mouth gaping. 

Jeno smacks his lips together and folds his arms in his chest as well. “Add cheap materials for the constructions, an accident on work for underpaid employers. Lack of suretyship as guaranteed felony. I’m not surprised if they paid the victim’s family to shut them up”.

“They would have lost a lot of money for sure if someone reported it”.

“What if Mr Park wants to expose Donghyuck’s family and meant to persuade Lia to not involve him? Having their daughter by his side for revenge”.

“You’re smart”. Renjun smiles at him, patting his back. “I was aware, Jaemin dates no idiots”.

“Let’s get out of here. We can come back tomorrow and ask if there’s any deceased in the last months, just to confirm our theory”.

  
  
  
  
  
Jaemin wakes up. The room spins when he rolls off the bed, wrists pressing at his temples in a useless attempt to have that grueling migraine stop. The long resting he’s taking doesn’t help his internal exhaustion.

He’s spent three days off school, if he recalls correctly. Jeno and Renjun are together somewhere for the evening he doesn’t remember. 

They updated him about the recent events and homework. His memory lost most of it, too far gone and tired, wandering in his house and feeling a ghost haunting the walls. 

There’s a familiar itching and eagerness he can’t shake off, the same one drying his throat, ruining his digits, digging nails and scraping skin to blood. The one making him stumble in his father’s office searching for more.

His body needs more, left to a corpse without that adrenaline, those grams of fake happiness. Shaking him from the haze, from the permanent and restless slumber. 

Jaemin doesn’t have the energy to be quiet, moving papers and opening creaking drawers in his father’s office. Each sound blades to his headache. He consumes his own products, Jaemin has seen the tiny bags often, scared of the relief washing out his body when he dips his nose with cocaine.

His pajamas damps with sweat — a crumpled shirt of Jeno and boxers allowing his legs to raise goosebumps on the cool floor. Abandoned against the last opened drawer at the bottom of his father’s desk. 

The room is dark, empty glasses smelling of scotch and a full ashtray. Aretha would scold him if she gets to clean the dinner leftovers in his room and finds him awake, holding a bottle of water he’s supposed to drink he scatters on the lucid pavement.

A dispirited laugh comes out seeing the door opening to a slit of light, his father staring down where he is.

“Dad”. Jaemin’s bony spine hurts, everywhere hurts as he sits. “Want some?”. 

He lifts cocaine for the man to widen his eyes. Jaemin hates seeing his face in his father’s.

“Jaemin”. He scolds, discarding his jacket on the desk. “What is that?”.

“Oh, you mean this?”. Jaemin dips a finger as he’s been learning to do daily, languidly darting out his tongue just to piss the man. “It’s cocaine, dad. I thought you were very familiar with it. Don’t you sell it?”.

“Jaemin this isn’t funny”. He smiles seeing the man’s jaw clenching, maybe he does have a heart under all that selfishness. “Is this why you’re sick?”.

Jaemin gets up, nauseous and angry with the way he stumbles to the man's body, dropping the empty bag in his hands. “There’s a lot you can’t control”.

His laugh is dry, void of any positive emotion, voice hoarse and fragile. 

“Want an example that isn’t my mother? Since it doesn’t click in your head you fucked her up? I’m gay, dad”. 

He scoffs, twitching one cocky eyebrow as he properly locks eyes with mature expressionless features similar to his. “I fuck around with guys, and they fuck me really, really good”.

“Jaemin, this is not the time to be joking”.

“I love it. That’s me, your son Jaemin Na,  _ gay _ and a cocaine  _ addict. _ I’m not any less of a man, I have the right to love whoever I want and because of you, I’ve been scared of it my entire life. I found someone good for me, that makes me feel safer than this damn place I should call home and you’re still ruining everything for me, always ruining my fucking life”. 

He points a finger to his chest, crying his eyes out and he’s screaming, so loud he hears some steps and spots Jaehyun entering the office confused. Jaemin forgot he was supposed to come over for dinner today.

“Kick me out if you can’t stand it. I’m tired of living a lie, of your stupid advices to which daughter of which family I should be interested in. I can’t love somebody’s daughter, I don’t want to. I don’t expect you to accept it, you had your fair share of nasty comments about people like me, Jisung, Chenle and my boyfriend”. 

Jaemin starts walking out, sees Jaehyun and his bottom lip quivers. “Have a good dinner, I’m out”.

Jaemin starts running through the doors, Jaehyun sprints to chase him. He blocks him with open arms, locking him in a tight hug Jaemin starts crying, screaming  — he’s not sure anymore, in.

“Breathe, Nana. Take some deep breaths. I’m here”.

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I want to disappear”. Jaehyun shuts his eyes in a frown, holding Jaemin tighter. 

“No, no don’t say it. There are so many people who care about you and we want you in our lives. What would I do without my little brother? You bring so much joy to me, Nana. And Renjun, he could go to the moon for you, Johnny too. Jeno, you can’t forget him. He loves you so much. It’s impossible not to, you’re amazing”.

“You’re leaving in a few days, Jae”.

“I won’t if you need me. Fuck it, you’re more important than any degree”.

“I won’t take that from you”. 

Jaemin feels like fainting, knees wobbling and Jaehyun picks him up, climbing the stairs to his room. He feels his back meeting the mattress, eyes closed where tears tickle his skin. 

Jaehyun stays next to him, into another night spent puking, unconsciously fainting on the toilet.

  
Jeno comes in the early morning, holding Jaemin’s hair back as his stomach contracts painfully and out of his mouth, snot and tears mixed in his cheeks he feels so ashamed. 

What has he become is the question haunting his head. Jaemin can’t draw the line to his own thoughts and what his drugged state wants anymore. He falls apart on Jeno’s chest, a towel gently pressed to clean his chin.

The next few days are unreal. Sweating, screaming, waking up from nightmares and crying from the strain of eating the food Jeno patiently feeds him with a closed stomach. 

He’s been skipping school and fears he’s going to lose the year with his poor attendance, migraines breaking through his skull. He’d never be able to stay in class in his conditions.

  
One day Jeno comes into his bedroom, curling to his side on the bed. He looks tired, smiling as he leans down to kiss him on the lips. 

They haven’t done it in a while. Jaemin looks barely alive and he’s been avoiding intimacy in any form. It’s a miracle he at least hugs Jeno to sleep, body a furnace compared to his icy skin. 

Jaemin is underweight, wears three shirts under a hoodie and still shivers sickly and that alone would be enough to visit a doctor or seek help. He smiles back, because Jeno looks so hopeful. There’s an odd glint he follows, trying to kiss him back.

“It’s over, Nana. The Lia thing, we don’t have to worry anymore. We’re keeping a copy of the files just to be careful. There’s nothing he can do”. 

Jeno traces his fingers where Jaemin’s cheekbone is prominent, lacking any lively color and fullness. “Please, tell me who gave you all that cocaine. That’s the last thing I need to know”.

  
“It was a gift at first”. 

Jaemin looks down, clutches more at the thick blanket thrown over his body. “Then I always got it from myself, my dad”.

“Who? I know you’re lying. Jaemin, I beg you. You said you never wanted to try”.

Jaemin tries to find more warmth. He keeps shivering, threading his fingers in Jeno’s black hair, soft and tickling his skin. 

Jeno is still the same, just sadder, and Jaemin is the reason behind it. He’s been hurting Jeno recently, he owes him an answer. His lips graze the shell of his ear, lashes closed and touching his cheeks.

“Chenle. But he had no bad intentions”. He confesses in a whisper.

When you’re as thin as Jaemin is, a grip like Jeno’s feels ten times stronger, nose burying in his shoulder. 

“Thank you”. He whispers back, and from the pattern of his breath Jaemin can tell he’s crying. 

He rolls them over, shifting on top of Jeno to frame his face and kiss him, shaping lips the way they used to. It’s sad and doesn’t work as much, yet Jaemin knows there’s still a sparkle there, one stronger than their messed up bodies and minds.

Jeno kisses back, hands sliding through his shoulder blades, his spine and under his shirt, Jaemin hisses at the contact. 

He looks weird, opening immediately his eyes in worry and Jaemin chuckles briefly, shaking his head as he takes Jeno’s hand under his shirt a second time.

“It’s just very cold”.

Jeno looks outside, sun beating strongly on the asphalt and too warm for being winter, glancing sweetly at Jaemin. “Let me warm you up”.

“I’m too weak to do anything. I’m sorry”. Jaemin juts his bottom lip out in a pout, face grimacing with sadness but Jeno giggles, kissing him again.

“I meant a hug, silly”.

  
  
The next evening Jeno wants to rip his uniform off, heating and holding a folder with all the printed letters, furious steps to the basketball court, where the lockers are. 

He doesn’t feel an ounce of self control when he pushes Chenle strongly against the lockers, damp orange hair and eyes wide realizing it is Jeno being violent to someone ever. He is never one for conflict, avoiding it as much as he can yet this time Jaemin is hurting.

There’s not a part of him that can think straight as he starts screaming.

“The fuck do you have in that rotten mind of yours?”.

From the look Chenle gives him Jeno knows he understands, sighing and looking over some of his mates mentioning his head to leave them alone.

“If this is for Jaemin, let me tell you that–”.

“I don’t wanna hear it, you could have lied. You fucking gave him that shit and now he’s falling apart because of it”. 

Jeno pushes the folder on the boy’s chest, lockers trembling behind him with how harsh his movements are. 

“I have the original files. Don’t you dare touch Jaemin ever again or these are out. You all love threatening people so much here, that’s what I learned from people like you”.

He knows he has to protect Lia and Donghyuck, he promised he will. There’s nothing that can stop his anger or ease it. Chenle starts to read, eyes trembling and he looks genuinely confused. He looks terrified when he looks up, flipping through the other letters.

“Jeno, are these real?”.

“They are. Jaemin and I found these, it was a mistake. Your future father in law fucks with a fourteen year old, I’m sure you don’t want Jisung’s reputation to be over. Stay away from Jaemin”.

He scatters the papers on the floor, Chenle standing still, mouth slightly gaping in shock.  Jeno figures he didn’t know. 

They keep saying rich families always protect each other and their dirty business; the younger won’t speak.


	5. diamonds leave traces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another angsty chapter... we're slowly approaching the first scene of the story. 
> 
> this fic is quite heavy and long, i had to admit, i hope you're having a safe time reading.  
> i care about your health, prioritize it at all times while you read! if you get too uncomfortable, i won't be offended if you drop it.
> 
> thank you so much for even reaching until this point, it means a lot. <3

Chenle’s fork lingers on his lips, teeth nibbling harsh silver. He focuses on his mother’s chatter, plates steaming and everyone enjoying dinner. 

He can’t stop thinking about those words, pages crumpled and turning thinner ruining them in his hands. The hold around his fork is sweaty, loose. Their dining room’s chandelier shines too brightly on his unfocused eyes, staring blankly somewhere the windows reflect the happy scenery at the table.

“Right, Chenle?”.

He briefly gapes, his fork resting on the table and he looks at Mr Park, asking him a question. Chenle is thankful for Jisung, long fingers threading in his hair and a gentle smile before he turns to his father.

“Of course, dad. Lele is coming with us next week”.

Jisung’s fingers frame Chenle’s cheek, giving him a second look. Their parents are planning winter holidays for them to spend together. Chenle can’t be bothered eating, nor is too excited for the holidays having this new piece of information changing completely the idea and respect he had for his boyfriend’s father.

Truth is, Chenle tried to dig in Jisung’s house the past few days. Find something that could make sense of all the madness. He’s sure Jaemin knows, impossible to approach him without Jeno ready to throw hands or worse, exposing Jisung as he promised he would. 

Jaemin has been weird for some time, he concludes. If it was for Mr. Park alone he’d do something useful, but Jeno knew what he was risking when he told him. 

Jeno can’t threaten his father’s business, it also involves Jaemin. Chenle understands he did it out of anger, the most unreasonable move he’s ever done. He’s also not sure Jaemin knows what he’s doing.

The only security is the uncomfortable posture he keeps at the dining table, sharing a few smiles and barely participating in their conversation. Holding Jisung’s hand under the table to find his reassuring warmth.

Jaemin fixes his loose tie, looking down his messy notes. Minsuh has been sharing some frequent glances his way in the next hour, explaining the test procedure for tomorrow. 

There’s a Christmas tree decorated in their classroom, lights sparkling in the bare dark green and the excitement of an upcoming party at Chenle’s house next month he doesn’t have the mood to attend. Jaemin has to, being another event for families to show him off, and no matter his tragic coming out his family wants him there.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas, despite the colorful lights hanging at the shop displays and his father mentioning his break plans on an awkward meal. They don’t really talk, the man excuses Jaemin being intoxicated and confused that night. 

Jaemin doesn’t have the will to fight anymore or confirm he in fact likes boys. He can count on his brother and mother by his side, closing an eye and ignoring everything until he graduates. It sucks, Jaemin kept crying and shaking from anger for longer than he likes to admit. Guilty of avoiding Jeno who seems nervous these days.

He’s biting his fingers spacing out when he notices the class is empty after the last hour of school. His classmates left the room, and Minsuh has taken a chair sitting across from him on the small desk. 

“How are you, sweet?”. She asks, calmly taking Jaemin’s hand to stop ruining his fingers with his teeth, holding it in hers. 

They’re alone and if they weren’t, by now everyone knows Jaemin and Jeno are dating. It’s not a surprise to see Mrs Lee checking up on him, especially after fainting. He walks around the corridor hearing whispers about him since then. 

Reason why he’s usually the first to escape out of the building or the last one, uncomfortable under all those stares trying to complicate him. 

“Drained of energy”.

“Come home with me? I think Jeno is studying, he won’t mind”. Her eyes wrinkle in a smile, exactly like Jeno and he feels safe under the motherly hands fixing his dry hair. “Are you guys okay?”.

“Yeah, we–”. Jaemin sighs, starts moving some pens in his bag, still hasn't moved a finger to leave. “I don’t know”.

Jaemin follows Minsuh home, comfortable around the woman. They talk about exams, and if he needs some rest he should take it at the cost of missing a few more days of school. 

He doesn’t look any better, and subtly he does go out and get high when the itching becomes unbearable. Jeno caught up with it, and they don’t really talk. At least Jaemin tries to ignore it every time his boyfriend speaks up, and they’ve been fighting frequently. 

None of them like conflict, they end up upset and avoiding each other.

He finds the courage to open Jeno’s bedroom door, sees him reading a book on his bed. He can tell he really wasn’t expecting him from the wide eyed look, uptight as he straightens his spine. Jaemin keeps his hands in his pockets, wandering everywhere else in the room.

“Your mother asked me to come here, I can’t really say no to her”.

“You’re not forced to do anything”. Jeno huffs, the sound of a faintly aggressive flipping page.

“I wanted to”. Jaemin dislikes the vulnerability pressing his knee on the mattress, nervous Jeno might push him away. 

Jeno pats the space next to him. Unsure of everything, he has been hurting the older too much and he’d understand if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. If he needs space, which is parting their ways quite often the past days.

Jaemin sits next to him, hands folding in his crossed legs. He finally stares at him, cheek pressing on his left shoulder as support for his heavy, sad head. 

“If you want to break up you can tell me. I’m making you sad, it’s all on me”.

Jeno stares. No glint in his eyes, it’s been too long since he last saw that. He seems angered, despite answering calmly. “Do you want to?”.

Jaemin doesn’t know. He’s damaging himself with his own hands, keeps getting high after he and Chenle tried it together, yet the first thing Jeno did was protect him. Making sure he was fine when he could have screamed he’s an idiot.

Jeno risked a lot, breaking the silence they were keeping for months. Threatening Chenle with something no one should know, and all because his first thought is Jaemin, always. No matter how much he fucks up.

Jaemin’s eyes are teary when he weakly shakes his head. “I don’t”.

“Come here”.

Jeno’s hair is soft, and so are his pillows where his head rests, hugging Jeno. He doesn’t feel relief, the tension is going to grow soon again. Their relationship is troubled and the moment they’ll face their problems it is going to blow up on their faces.

Nevertheless, right now there’s nothing else he wants but to take care of Jeno the same way the other has been doing for months.

Jaemin’s body is weak, albeit he shifts so Jeno can rest to his chest, kissing his jaw. Jeno’s neck craning is warm, trusting as Jaemin presses his lips there, fingers tracing the line of his spine. 

He likes to feel Jeno close. Their minds are so distracted, not in tune as much as they like to believe they are. His skin’s texture under him is the only thing that’s still real.

“I miss you, Nana”.

“I’m here”. 

“Are you really?”. 

Jaemin brings Jeno closer by his nape and looks up the ceiling, shutting eyes only to swallow down that painful lump in his throat. 

His lungs are constantly on fire, inhaling Jeno’s nippy fragrance he’s switched to recently, hair tickling his nose. Jeno’s body is firm, yet his waist feels so thin around his freezing palms and the shirt fabric, clasping his fingers around it like he’s done many times.

“I’m sorry”.

For the next hour, most of their kisses don’t feel quite right. 

Jaemin breathes heavily and tries to find meaning in the way his tongue looks for Jeno’s, pliant and mingling warm air on their faces. 

Their lips twirling together are loud, and Jaemin really tries to roam his hands on the lines of Jeno’s abs, bending a leg between Jeno’s so they can be closer. Jeno reacts, moving against his leg in a slow friction; a few sounds escape his lips, none of them really doing anything. 

They’re not enjoying it, uncomfortable from Jeno really trying to make it work. It isn’t natural, and as he said, none of them is obliged.

Jaemin pulls, biting his bottom lip as he looks at Jeno fluttering his eyelashes and stares. The older makes a small laugh, happiness jaded into something gloomier but it’s better than nothing, hiding his nose in the crook of Jaemin’s neck.

“It’s not working, right? Sorry”. Jaemin whispers, sighing and maybe he’s also embarrassed. 

They never had problems. Got endlessly teased by their friends, it was almost exaggerated all the chemistry that brought them easily to a bed craving what feels off as he sighs. If he is so disappointed in himself he can’t imagine Jeno’s current thoughts.

“I like it”. Jeno starts, curling his fingers around his shoulders, nails digging lightly, making Jaemin shiver. 

“You’re not happy. Like back in your pool, it wasn’t really you deciding it and I was stupid for not understanding. My body reacts according to what you feel. Right now it doesn't feel right”.

“I still want you, please don’t think I don’t”. 

“You’re not even-”. Jeno sighs, looking down at his body where there’s no hint of arousal and Jaemin turns his gaze away, uneasy. “It’s all the shit you take Jaemin. You need to stop”.

“Can’t we talk about something else?”. Jaemin sounds distressed, and Jeno shows he really loves him because he insists. This is not something he can procrastinate to a better day. 

Jeno can’t indulge him with it.

“No, not this time”. Jeno raises his voice, the same conversation happening too often to have patience. “You’re killing yourself, give it a break Jaemin”. Jeno almost rips his own hair with the tight grip around them when he gets up. 

“Don’t you understand I’m here for you, and I’m going to help you? Don’t you understand I love you and I can’t ignore it anymore?”.

Jaemin’s bottom lip trembles, folding his arms to protect him from nothing but his foolish addiction. Jeno is the one actually protecting him. 

Someone needs to be rough without sugarcoating the truth, and it already hurts when Renjun is completely mad at him he doesn’t even speak a word when they meet at school.

Jeno sits again on the bed, frees Jaemin’s hands to hold them. “I won’t forgive myself if anything happens to you”.

“It’s hard, Jeno. _I’m trying_ ”. Jaemin presses the palm of his hands to his eyes, sore and pouding with his migraine. 

He makes a groan, a distressed scream, feeling Jeno getting closer, nose bumping with his.

“I believe you, I do. But you need to try harder. I can stick to you all the time and you’re probably going to hate me and not wanting to have anything to do with me after you get better. It’s worth it, even if we end up breaking up. I want to help you get out of it”.

Jaemin never hesitates to trust him, accepting whatever Jeno asks and entails, afraid of the consequences.

“Can’t we just wait until I finish my tests? I know you hate the idea of me getting high but I need it to keep going or I’ll fail. You saw how I get without it”.

“Jaemin”.

“I want to be honest with you”. Jaemin raises his shoulders, an apologetic look. “It’s just a few days. And it will be the last time, I promise you”.

Jeno seems reluctant to give in, not letting him go anywhere for the evening. They lay in bed, resting there silently. Jeno’s mother comes to check on them knocking at the door later. 

From the anxious look she gives them, Jaemin can tell she at least heard them screaming. Hopefully none of their words were loud enough to connect the dots.

Jeno touches Jaemin’s nose, blood dripping in his fingers and he sighs again, sprinting to the bathroom in weird rushes of shivers, knees wobbling to the sink. Jeno hugs him from behind, not even blood keeping him away, and Jaemin wishes he would be selfish and careless to do so. He counts on Jeno’s words, he will help. 

And as water washes away the puddles of blood in the sink he doesn’t trust their relationship will not crumble through the healing process.

Jeno keeps Jaemin’s nose pressed to a towel, helping his wrists under cold water, cutting through his skin with the icy temperature. He’s not sure he could bear the pain of letting Jeno go.

“You’ve been weird all day”. Jisung shifts on the bed so he can face Chenle, crossed arms and a small huff. “Yesterday too, you’re so distracted”.

Chenle can’t look straight at Jisung without spilling everything, each one of his glances evasive. He’s not a good liar and under his familiar and worried gaze there is nothing Jisung can’t get. 

So he stares at the pale walls of his bedroom, feeling the younger reaching impossibly closer. A warm, big sized hand on his stomach, moving up and down his shirt as his fingers curl in a loose hold around the fabric.

“Why are you friends with Lia?”. 

Chenle looks at Jisung, the other cupping his cheek to do so. He’s frowning, confused and making a small chuckle. He kisses the tip of his nose.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous”. The flash of mirth disappears immediately, Chenle isn’t smiling back. He avoids his gaze. 

“Mh, we have dance classes together every day. She spoke to me first saying she supported us and… I don’t know? Because she’s nice?”.

“Fuck”. Chenle’s spine faces Jisung, one distressed hand gripping his hair. “Jisung?”.

“Lele I’m getting worried”.

“You know I can’t hide anything from you, right?”. 

Chenle glances briefly back, Jisung already pressing closer to hug him, years spent together to know how to deal with each other, predicting the next move. 

Jisung is going to freak out, suddenly acting weird and that specifically scares Chenle. He can’t hide it from him, it wouldn’t be fair. Jisung is the one deserving the most to have an idea of what his father does behind his and his mother’s backs. 

“Promise me you’ll try your best to stay calm”.

“Are you going to be there for me?”. 

Chenle allows himself to give him a reassuring smile, fingers in the fading dark pink hair, Jisung naturally closing his lashes pleased. “Don’t even question it”.

“Then I promise you”.

Out of all reactions, when Chenle sees Jisung’s face completely crumbling reading the letters, silence is the last thing he expected. 

Chenle was ready for some anxious tray of thoughts, Jisung spinning around the room nervously panicking as he does whenever they fight or there’s something wrong happening with school or any less manageable unforeseen.

He’s dead silent, only some rushed breaths and his nails dig in the paper. They cut a hole where hideous words to read out loud are printed. Jisung holds Chenle’s hand at some point, and cries when his forehead meets the older’s shoulder, shaking in his sobs.

“I thought things were working again with mom and dad”. He whispers, voice broken by another whimper and Chenle’s heart constricts with every sad breath. “How did you find these?”.

“Want me to be very honest?”. Chenle doesn’t want to make it worse, hoping the younger is going to say no.

“Yes”.

He wipes some tears at the corner of Jisung’s eyes, biting his bottom lip. Should he mention who knows about it? Jaemin and Jisung are friends after all, he’s sure the older is fond of him but maybe all the kindness served other selfish purposes.

Knowing Jisung he’s going to doubt all his friendship. The one with Lia on top of all. As Jeno mentioned, Jaemin’s addiction also stands for the burden of the letters. Jisung is going to blame it on himself, thinking he isn’t good enough to have friends solely on his amazing personality. He never sees how special he is.

“I was threatened with it. Don’t worry, that person won’t speak. They’re doing it to protect someone I unintentionally hurt, and I feel like shit for it”.

“Who is it? I don’t care Chenle, you can tell me”.

“You care. It’s Jeno. You know the whole cocaine business with Mr Na, Jaemin started using it. That’s why he’s been looking like that recently”. 

“You should have never given him anything”. Jisung’s eyes are red, stained with tears and cheeks pinking. “Jaemin is very sick, he looks like a walking ghost”.

“Trust me I regret it”. Chenle’s voice cracks as well, there’s not a day he doesn’t wrap his head around it in guilt. “I was stupid, we both were stupid. I promised you I won’t do it again”.

Chenle frames Jisung’s face with his palms, watching his quivering bottom lip. 

“Jisung, you need to help us. What is it that your father might want from Lia?”.

“We can’t, Chenle. I’d lose everything, and my father, this is so new to me I had no idea-”. 

Jisung starts crying again, clinging painfully at Chenle who tells him gently to calm down, they can fix it. He’s not too sure they can, he needs Jisung to be rational.

It’s after more tears and some tissues spread all over the sheets that Jisung mentions the old building project with Mr Lee. The very unfortunate accident covered with an unspoken grief that apparently is still there between the two men. 

Chenle has the whole picture, remembers when Jisung was troubled hearing his father screaming at the phone with the other man. Donghyuck’s father was having a hard time dealing with their mistake and wanted them to hire a good lawyer and fix things the honest way.

The other part was defending their safety, the money given to the victims family to cover it up is a crime itself.

Jeno walks through the school basketball field, cold air making him cling in his jacket, stuffy with the thick sweater underneath. 

It’s a nice day outside, and Jaemin is somewhere that would make him mad and argue with him. He’s here, soaking the timid rays and desperately finding a reason to distract where he’s pending to have Jaemin home safe. 

They had their last exams before the winter break, and the next few days of school are just to attend and maybe have a recap of the first semester. 

He stops to stare at some students playing, recognizing the bright orange of Chenle’s hair. 

Running and sweating in a red shirt, high fiving a guy from his team when they score a point. Jeno doesn’t know a thing about basketball, only following the quick movements made with ease throwing the ball and scoring.

Jisung finds him from the stands, walking where Jeno is, sinking in a scarf hiding half of his face. He looks tired, his youthful glint disappearing behind a weary glance his way, pressing against the cold railings together.

He asks about Jaemin, Jeno sees that coming. The two got oddly closer, every possible intention of befriending Jaemin for Lia left to the older actually adoring him. 

“I think he’s ignoring me”.

Jeno shakes his head, sighing. “He’s ignoring everyone. Don’t worry”.

“You look about to cry every time I see you. I am worried”. 

Jeno lifts the corner of his mouth in a desolated smile. He looks miserable, they all do. 

Renjun has a permanent frown walking and ignoring every single one of them, albeit Jeno knows him well enough to know he carries a lot of pain by avoiding Jaemin. 

None of them really talk, Jaemin mentioned some harsh words they shared a few days earlier and no one is brave to stop and think reasonably. 

Jaemin, no need to say anything when he’s probably getting high, slipping away before Jeno could take him home. Their tests are over and Jeno is angry he prioritized his addiction when he should start working to heal.

Then there’s all the threatening he did to Chenle. And now his boyfriend is talking to him because at the end of all this incredible mess, they’re all friends. 

Things are shit, horrible and creepy from any point of view and they’re protecting each other. No one is sure from what exactly anymore.

“I’m sorry for Jaemin, and for you. It’s my fault and I can’t do anything about it, all because of-”. Jisung takes a rushed breath, looking away from Jeno. “The drugs, yeah, because of that”.

Could it be possible that Jisung knows about his father? He’s weird, has lost all the usual energetic sparkle in the way he speaks to Jeno he finds adorable. 

Jisung looks serious, and he understands it might be a cause of talking about Jaemin’s cocaine addiction. It can’t only be that; otherwise Jisung wouldn’t be blaming himself for something he can’t control.

“Your fault?”. Jeno is careful. “How can it possibly be?”.

Jisung shrugs his shoulders, uneasy. “I don’t know.I knew Chenle and Jaemin got high and I didn’t stop them”.

“Is there something else you want to tell me, Jisung?”. Jeno makes a small chuckle, Jisung is a terrible liar. 

He wraps an arm around the younger’s shoulder, squeezing him in a brief hug. Jeno can’t be mad. 

Jisung, as far as he knows, has a good relationship with his father and he can’t imagine how disappointed and sad he must be. In a way he can, his father disappointed him many times for different reasons, that’s maybe why he’s so lenient. To Jisung, to Jaemin.

He can’t blame him for staying quiet, trying to protect a man shaping into something you suddenly can’t recognize anymore. He’s familiar with the foolish hope, a second chance to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Jeno shares a mean glare with Chenle when Jisung greets him after practice, the boyfriends hands fast to intertwine together as he turns. He doesn’t seem angry or petty, just entirely defeated.

**To** : Renjun

_hey_

_i’m sure jisung knows_

“ _At your party we said it was our last time_ ”. 

Renjun moans, full lips biting his collarbones and three fingers busy inside him, pushing the soft honey locks closer to his chest, straddling firm thighs and sweating temples from his head thrown back. 

“We say it all the time. Give it a break, Huang”. 

Donghyuck looks up. Tanned skin glowing under daylight, helping each other out of stress in the glass door terrace. 

Renjun voices a choked curse sinking down Donghyuck’s shaft, watching the beautiful space full of green nature around them as he adjusts better on the boy, gripping at his shoulders. 

They’re surrounded by plants, the room extremely hot and burning with drops of sweat forming where his calves and thighs bend sitting on the other’s lap.

Donghyuck’s lips are soft, both slow despite the quite heated start. Renjun is nervous, and he hates his emotions easily brought him there. To the boy he only wants to kiss even if he's been asked out by many others.

He is the last person Renjun should be seeing. He always crawls back to Donghyuck.

An unwanted on and off fuck with benefits he caught feelings for a lot longer than when they started this is not the healthiest person Renjun could want. 

It’s not his most likely unrequited feelings that matter. Renjun knows too much, things always about to slip out of his tongue drowning in Donghyuck, swallowing his words. 

He stops to breathe, pressed to Donghyuck’s chest that has the same fast heartbeat. Renjun saw Jeno’s texts, his phone thrown behind them and if his eyesight is not betraying him, it means Jisung found out about his father.

“What’s going on with you today?”. Donghyuck holds his face. Always careful and it’s so unfair of him. “We can stop and do something else”.

“Huh?”. Renjun grinds back, the white fabric of the loveseat standing in the middle of the room darkening with their sweat, another whine escaping his pressed lips. 

“No, if we–”. He shifts to press his back on the couch, sliding his hands to Donghyuck’s hips getting him closer. “Like this”.

Donghyuck keeps a way too gentle hand pressed to his cheek, Renjun’s eyes flutter with each slow, deep thrust. 

“Who texted you before? You’re being weird”. 

Renjun’s chest stutters at every exhale, shaking his head. “It’s nothing”.

“You know I can do a lot more other than this for you”. 

Donghyuck pants, slowing down again because today nothing seems to be working, lingering around the other and soaking their naked bodies for hours. “I have a brain, we can talk. Rant about how bad I am in bed. That is a very unlikely example”.

This time Renjun chuckles for Donghyuck’s ridiculous wink, leaning to a blind kiss at his upper lip. “You just want me to say you’re good”.

Compared to his body dripping sweat, Donghyuck’s warm kisses at his jaw are nice, humming at every press “Is it?”.

He nods, gaping at their lazy sex, distracted by Donghyuck finding the way to make his thighs tremble. He misses his phone ringing. 

Renjun feels the other stopping abruptly pulling out, afraid to open his eyes.

“Renjun”. Donghyuck’s voice drops, finding him sitting and holding his phone. “The hell does this mean?”.

Renjun bites his lips. Donghyuck looks hurt, and it worries him more than what Jeno might have sent. 

“We need to talk, Hyuck”. Renjun starts nervously walking around the room, jittery and looking for his discarded uniform.

**From** : Jeno

_lia and mr park affair_

_renjun?_

_don’t leave me on read_

_we need to know if he’s going to speak_

Renjun explains. It hurts, his body throbbing with pain and shaky hands watching Donghyuck’s face turning angry, sad, disappointed. The look he gives him is so cold he feels nauseous. 

It makes no sense trying to explain they were protecting him, the fact that nothing is out or reported speaks ahead of any excuse.

Renjun feels guilty, he should have talked before. Him out of all people, fooling around with Donghyuck with a heavy heart for both reasons. No attempt to say he cares about him matters, not when he didn’t protect Donghyuck telling him the truth.

“Jaemin has a copy of everything, you said”. Donghyuck curls on his seat, flinching when Renjun tries to lay a hand on top of his knee and he wants to cry. “How can I be sure he won’t give it in the wrong hands?”.

“He’s been keeping it for months now. Jeno too.”. Renjun sighs, messes up his hair in a painful hold. “And you’re seeing him these days, he barely has the strength to breathe”.

“If this is the reason why he’s like that, he deserves it”.

“Donghyuck”.

“No”. Donghyuck makes a bitter laugh, standing up from the couch. “You don’t have the right to tell me how to feel. You’re all dead to me, do you understand?”.

Renjun starts to cry, looking down at his watery view and hands clasping to keep it together. 

“We wanted to fix this without involving our families. There’s too much happening, you know it better than us. Do you really want your father’s case to be opened again? I know someone died, and you covered it up. It was dangerous and it’s not an excuse, but you need to understand us”.

“Jaemin has child pornography, a fucking illegal relationship and manipulation from an old man and it’s with my sister”. Donghyuck screams, grateful no one is home right now.

Renjun is sobbing, shaking his head frantically. “Lia knows what Jisung’s father is doing, she’s keeping track of him”.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because you’re not doing a good job”. 

“No”. Renjun shrieks, lump in his throat so thick he keeps uselessly swallowing. He clears his throat, he startled the boy.

“She’s not a fool, and I’m sorry she had to deal with it. She’s protecting your family”.

“That’s not her job”. Donghyuck sits back on the couch, next to Renjun and he’s pressing his lips so hard he can see them whitening from the pressure. “But you can do something for me. I–”. 

Donghyuck has one tear down his cheek, breaking his angry features for a second to the most broken expression Renjun has ever seen on him. Same features adoring every inch of his skin a few moments before.

“Are you aware it is over between us, right?”.

Renjun closes his eyes, tears nestling where all the destructive days of keeping the secret have led to this. He bites the inside of his cheek, nodding once.

“At least help me get Jaemin’s flash drive. You owe me, Renjun. All of you”.

“I will”. 

Renjun doesn’t have it in him to look at Donghyuck one last time. Running outside the house his knees give in and he starts sobbing again, scraping skin to the freezing asphalt, the tip of his nose red and running with his tears and late December biting cold.

Jaemin curiously raises his eyebrows, breaking the pale frowning. Jisung stands at Jeno’s door, watching — feeling the younger stealing him in a tight hug. 

He’s not sure if it is appropriate to let him in as he’s staying at his boyfriend’s house for more than a week now, feeling worse every day. Jaemin is going to keep the promise, nothing poisoning in his body.

Minsuh is leaving for a while and they had to convince her they’re going to be fine spending Christmas alone.

Jaemin looks worrying, he sees it in the mirror and sometimes he screams at it. A useless wave of his voice against glass to erase that terrible body that doesn’t look like him at all, yet it belongs to his bones. If anything he is the one treating it so poorly.

Not enough layers of clothes or naps can help the itching and trembling growth consuming him to dust, instead of fading. 

Withdrawal is worse than any side effect his addiction gave him, barely standing the cold air coming from outside and crashing on Jisung’s cold jacket. 

Jeno is out to buy groceries and he’s sure he won’t mind Jisung coming inside.

“I might get sick as we speak. I’m sorry you have to see me like this”.

“I’m glad Jeno is forcing you, to be honest”. Jisung stares at his glass of water, covered in a fancy black coat of good fabric. 

Jaemin wonders if he’s passing by from other plans. He takes out two letters and he already knows what’s coming. 

He totally forgot the watch line Mr. Park is launching. Fairly he had urgent things to care about, of course he’s invited. 

His family already received one, Jisung might be visiting to check on him. Jaemin disappeared, made an agreement with their school to skip the days after the exam week. 

Minsuh knows, him and Jeno didn’t say directly why he’s like this but he figures it is obvious when she has him under her roof all day. He found some open tabs in her laptop about drug abuse, one morning Jeno was at school and he got up from the bed for a glass of water.

“You don’t have to come, Jaem. Only if you feel like it”.

Jaemin opens the letter, reads the neat printed calligraphy striking on pale purple paper. 

“I think it could be good for Jeno, having some frivolities”. Jaemin gives Jisung a smile, tired to even stretch his lips in something else that doesn’t look like pain and sweat. 

“Find a way to convince him if I’m not in shape, would you?”.

Jaemin slumps abruptly towards the table, head spinning. Jisung grabs him by his shoulders and rubs his back. “Maybe you should rest, where’s your room?”.

He shakes his head, getting up by himself but his legs shake and he needs to lie down, stomach anticipating some unpleasant heaves. “The couch is fine”.

Jisung stays. Tv on to a random documentary that bores them to the point where the younger gets sleepy and Jaemin falls asleep, eyes livid under his long eyelashes. 

Jisung almost feels bad to do this on his back, while he’s in such a state. He’s confused, hurt, still absorbing every new darker shade of his father and he wants to see how much Jaemin knows. 

He has to be quick, Jeno is going to get home and if he had a file to print the letters he gave Chenle, it must be somewhere safe. 

Jisung finds the bedroom, careful to keep everything untouched when he finds the flash drive. Heart heavy when he leaves, worsening his mood. Jaemin probably won’t remember he’s been there at all. 

When he’s in the passenger seat of his driver’s car, Jisung recalls he left the party invitations. If they notice the pendrive is missing he’s the first person they can reconnect him to.

Jaemin wakes up, snuggling on the couch and a blanket as he mindlessly watches a talk show. Everything happens around him but his brain feels clouded, biting his cuticles tasting blood on his tongue, unaware of the door opening. 

He catches Jeno’s body gel mixed with the smells of life happening outside; dust, smog, the soft press of cold lips on his cheek.

Jeno smooths his mussy blond hair, roots significantly growing and softer than the bleached ends. He’s standing behind him, hips meeting the couch and grocery bags sagging on the floor. 

“Hungry?”. He asks, another soft graze at his cheek. 

Jeno has been attentive, leaving him alone today for a few hours is a rare occasion since Jaemin basically moved with him and his mother. 

He glances where Jeno stands, holding his hand pressing to his face, really tries his best to smile and let him know after all the pain he’s going through right now, he’s thankful.

“I can cook”. 

Jaemin is obviously not in the right conditions or mindset to make them dinner, sitting on a stool looking over the boiling pot, watching Jeno set the table. 

He’s nauseous, all the time, feeling ashamed for showing this part of him to Jeno who doesn’t seem to mind the nasty physical part of the fluids he releases. Waking up and following him at night in the bathroom to push his hair back and pick him up to sleep when he’s done. A kiss on his forehead and encouraging words.

It never is a restful sleep. There are nightmares, he has many of those. 

Shaking, crying or desperately asking Jeno to do something, grabbing the tiniest bit of rationality to never blame the boy. His brain screams the meanest, deepest words whenever his withdrawal brings him to the filthiest grounds of his selfishness.

Jaemin has completely lost himself, sometimes hearing Jeno or Minsuh calling his name doesn’t make it quite like they’re addressing him. 

There’s an arm circling around his waist, a large hoodie of Jeno sinking in Jaemin’s thin figure. He’s holding two purple letters from the table, Jaemin’s hand in his free one.

“Another party?”.

Jaemin blinks twice, he almost thought he dreamed about Jisung and he never visited.

He makes a confused noise, opening the letter with his shaky fingers struggling. Jeno does it for him, frowning when he notices all the bites and dried blood. He kisses the back of his hand, then lingers his lips for long on his temple, sighing.

“Jisung wants you to come. He cares about it”.

“Let’s see how you’re going to feel”. 

“Your life can’t depend on me. It would be good for you to spend a careless night”.

Jaemin presses his nose on Jeno’s neck, hugging him properly. He’s not sure if it’s for his own thinned frame, but Jeno is so firm, arms stronger each time he slides through them, 

Always warm and welcoming no matter how much he fucks up. He slips a “I love you”, recently sounding more a way to ground himself, and to remind Jeno he truly does.

Jeno sincerely says it back each time, leaning to the stove with Jaemin curled on his body to stir the food he started, steaming air making him shiver.

“I’m not sure I’m hungry. I feel sick”. Jaemin mumbles, apologetic voice looking at a calmer Jeno, shaking his head with a mention of a smile.

“It’s okay, but you need to eat something later”. Jeno turns off the stove and takes his hand to walk over the living room. “We can cuddle for a while, how does it sound?”.

“Good”. Jaemin grins, tripping a few times on his steps but it’s okay. Today is not as hopeless.

They lay on the couch, Jaemin stretched next to Jeno’s body as they share some lazy kisses. He touches Jeno’s hair, twirling them in his fingers and smacks his chapped lips when Jeno licks them. 

He probably tastes terrible and dry but he hums happily slipping a hand under his shirt, the other one still busy in thick black hair. The skin of Jeno’s stomach is a furnace, one he sticks to as moths do on a streetlight in summer.

Jaemin dozes off like that, mouth pressed to Jeno’s jaw, a palm spread on his stomach. 

Jeno doesn’t really mind to see him sleep so much, listening to the fast heartbeat beating on his own chest. Visually, Jaemin looks worse than a few weeks ago. He’s all edgy bones whenever he touches, cold sweat and pleading tears when it gets bad.

Today Jaemin seems peaceful after days of struggling and tearing up whenever the younger one wasn't looking, and as he spots Jaemin’s phone buzzing continuously with Renjun’s texts Jeno decides they had enough. 

He focuses on the gentle slope of Jaemin’s nose breathing air to his exposed skin, where the collar of the shirt is pulled down. Jaemin’s hand sinks down with his breaths; it’s sweaty, loosely spread over him but it’s Jaemin’s. 

His boyfriend’s phone starts ringing and Jeno fears he’s awake when he shifts and complains in his sleep, hugging a couch pillow instead of him. 

Jeno grabs the phone annoyed, running up the stairs to answer.

“Renjun, give him a break I beg you”.

“I need your damn flash drive. Jaemin is the one who has it”.

Jeno frowns, catching how distressed and hoarse Renjun’s voice is. “I have it”.

“I fucked up, Jeno”. Renjun sobs, hears a slam of a fist on a firm surface on the other side, he can’t tell exactly. A door, a wall, he has no idea. 

“And if there’s something I can still do is giving him that fucking flash drive”. 

“Where are you? Renjun, what do you mean you fucked up?”.

Jeno opens the drawer where he’s been keeping the pen drive all this time, hesitating when he doesn’t find it there. 

Maybe Jaemin moved it somewhere when he wasn’t home, albeit he has no reason to do it. 

Jeno is trying to avoid anything that could trigger him, and he’s going to be upset if Jaemin went through it alone. Still, Jaemin looks better today. He probably was the one moving it and he can’t remember right now because Renjun’s breathing is erratic and he keeps nervously asking.

“What did you do?”. 

There’s a long pause, Renjun’s breathing occupies the line.

“Donghyuck knows, I’m sorry, he saw your texts today and–”.

“Renjun are you serious?”.

“He won’t speak to me ever again, I need that damn pen drive Jeno. Jaemin is sick, we can’t have anything without the weight of this situation ruining us and I can’t breathe, please”.

He spots Jaemin standing by the door, and from the slow blinking of his lashes he’s dizzy. Jeno guides him to the bed, threading a hand to cup his cheek.

“Baby, I’m so sorry to ask. Did you move the flash drive from the drawer?”. 

Jaemin shakes his head, getting up to check himself the same spot Jeno went for. It’s not there. He tells Jeno he didn’t move it, nor Minsuh because she never touches Jeno’s things and he generally cleans his own room. 

Jeno sighs, punching the desk and it startles Jaemin, feeling guilty as he sends an apologetic look at the boy. 

“Renjun, I’m sorry”. Jeno bites his lip, can’t stand Renjun –one of his close friends– crying. “I think someone stole it today”.

“Who?”. Asks distressed Renjun and Jaemin widens his eyes, cursing.

“Jisung”. He whispers, and Jeno wants to beat his head somewhere how jittery the younger gets. 

Today was supposed to be peaceful for him, hell, they were all supposed to move on at least for one day, at least until Jaemin is actually going to get better.

“Jisung has it? Are you crazy? What is he doing with it and how did he get it-”.

“Calm down, he’s definitely taken it to protect his father”. Jeno keeps checking on Jaemin, knees under his chin and nails digging in his skin, teeth striking together. 

“Renjun, I need to hang up”.

Jeno rubs his hands on his face strongly before holding Jaemin’s hands to have him stop hurting himself. “It’s okay, Jaem. It’s not your fault”.

“It is!”. He screams, the sound of it scaring Jeno, heartbreaking. “It’s always my fault. If I wasn’t a fucking addict, loopy and ruining all the lives I touch, maybe if I fucking die I’m doing everyone a favor”.

“Stop! Please, Jaemin, don’t say it ever again”. 

Jeno starts crying. That being the last thing he needed to hear before exploding. 

His brain is filled with dread of how unexpected everything Jaemin can do these days is. 

He’s afraid. Donghyuck knows and no one can predict how he’s going to react. Jeno is not brave enough to ask Renjun anything.

“Sorry. I know, sorry it slipped, I’m so sorry”. 

Jaemin hugs Jeno, both sniffling. They’re so fed up with all the sadness, the fighting, screams not only them but also Jeno’s mother hears daily. 

“I won’t say it again”.

Jeno’s biggest fear is losing someone he loves a second time in his overall short life. 

His sister was a tragic twist of fate, Jaemin is a life he can fight for. He consumes through the responsibility to keep him alive, giving him reasons to ignite a small sparkle of hope in himself to heal.

Jeno doesn’t want to be his reason to get over that sinkhole of self destructive behaviors. That is stupid, and unhealthy to their relationship. He wants to be the one helping him open his eyes and see how much he’s stuck at the bottom.

“We talked about this”.

“I know. Sorry baby, I’m sorry”. Jaemin looks at the empty drawer, sighing. “I felt sick and fell asleep when Jisung visited. We can’t blame him, he’s scared. How does he know we have the letters?”.

“I did something stupid”. 

Jeno hesitates choosing the right words in his head, albeit Jaemin can already anticipate what’s about to come next. He knew Jeno threatened Chenle with something risky. 

“I showed Chenle the letters. I was mad because you got high together the first time and he gave it to you, so…”.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad”. 

Jaemin strokes his cheek, finger pressing where his mole is, right under his eye. 

“It’s been rough for everyone, right? I don’t want to hurt anymore”.

Jeno kisses him, thumbs pressing gently to his face. “We’re working on it”.

The next days are a blur of meaningless events for them. 

Jaemin is still sick, trying to do little activities in the house and gain some enthusiasm. For Christmas Jaehyun visits them, being the last time they keep their phones on, after the older gets on his plane back to the apartment he shares with Taeyong in Los Angeles. 

It’s Jeno’s idea to let go for a while. They tell Minsuh their plans and even if she seems a bit worried they make an exception for her and use the house phone.Their only open door to communication. 

They decorate the house, light up some candles and doze off by the fireplace. Making puzzles together whenever Jaemin’s hands are too nervous and jittery. 

Sometimes he’s distracted, cold sweat and digging nails in his skin. Jeno is always there, patiently waiting until he calms down. 

Jaemin shivers in the evening some lukewarm water mixes with soap falling down his spine, Jeno washing him with a colorful sponge in the bathtub.

Jaemin leans his spine to the black haired boy’s slippery chest, closed eyes and hands wrapping Jeno’s legs around his middle, a light smile breaking in his relaxed face as he kisses his nape.

They’re silently listening to the splashing of water, a few words between lots of calm breathing, the best Jaemin has felt in more than a month. 

His hair is almost dry, the ones at his nape wetting whenever the water rises with their weight and covers half of his body. A relaxed long sound leaves his lips when Jeno gives up to his sponge and caresses his body instead, palms bringing water and bubbles to his chest. 

“You look so pretty”. Jaemin cranes his neck at the praise, Jeno’s lips glossy with a press more tangible than the water engulfing them.

“Debatable”. He chuckles at Jeno’s annoyance. 

It’s rare for him to be calm, his skin and face leaving behind signs of a wrecked body slowly recovering. He’s everything but attractive to his own eyes and Jaemin had a good relationship with his looks. 

If Jeno still sees something good and pretty in him, that is for his unexplainable love. 

Jaemin knows all Jeno feels and sees is livid skin, sternum showing under his stroking digits he can clearly trace through. Uncomfortable edgy bones sinking where they press against him during the night.

He sucks in a breath when Jeno’s fingers find his inner thigh, one arm around his waist. He holds Jeno’s hand, feeling his chin pressing on top of his head.

“I’m not doing anything. I just wanna hold you for a bit”.

“It’s okay”. Jaemin huffs a shy laugh, they’re not used to too much intimacy anymore. 

It feels like a lifetime ago when they couldn’t spend more than a couple of minutes without jumping on each other. Between nightmares and unpleasant nights spent bending over Jeno’s toilet. 

“Can I ask you something?”.

Jeno makes a small positive noise, fingers curling around his thigh.

“Why are you still looking after me? We’re so young. We should be having sex all the time and just be horny teenagers like everyone else but you’re stuck with me. You get mad every time I say I’m okay if you fool with other guys to relieve stress. I’m causing you so much trouble but I really won’t be angry if you need it”.

“I have one for you then”. Jeno’s hold is tight, still loose enough to not hurt or make Jaemin uneasy. “Why didn’t you break up with me?”.

_Because I care too much about you._

Maybe I’m not selfless enough to let you go and I love you and it would break me apart. 

Because if there’s someone still taking me back to reality to fix things it’s you — Jaemin intertwines their hands together. He kisses the back of Jeno’s hand.

“Different questions, same answers. I don’t want to, no matter how differently I voice my thoughts. I don’t want to break up with you, a relationship is never going to be all easy and fun. And it can’t be based entirely on sex”. 

“Not even a night with someone else? Just to see if you really need me”.

“Why are you treating yourself so poorly, Jaemin? I don’t want to. I’m here and who cares about being horny teenagers. We’re eighteen, we have plenty of time for that”.

Jaemin stops, sensing Jeno getting upset and it is the last thing he wants when they’re having such a nice time for once. 

He turns in the water to face Jeno, leans to kiss him and hold him closer. There’s some drops of water falling between their moving lips but it’s better than the salty taste of tears he’s had for too long, swallowing down a sweet noise Jeno makes.

The water is turning cold but Jeno is so warm, threading fingers in his hair and chuckling when Jaemin slips on his chest trying to settle more comfortably to hover the boy. 

Jeno parts his lips for him, and the next shiver he feels belongs to something completely different, twisting his stomach to a good churn after a long time.

Launching of the Park’s watch line, January, 20: 54

“No, thank you”. Jeno smiles kindly at the waitress offering them champagne, turning to Jaemin with a reassuring one.

He takes his hand to greet Jaemin’s mother, waiting for them with a happy glint from the other side of the room. 

Tonight is crowded, buffet dinner and all dressed up holding wine with elegant ease and mingling around the luxury space Mr. Park booked for the night. 

Is hard for Jaemin, even the clinking of glass triggers him from being content in his sober state, watching display cases of gold watches. Most of them are particularly extravagant for the launching exhibition.

The wide room is largely illuminated. Modern settings and velvety black tablecloths on the long buffet tables, a band playing music for the night. 

Jaemin feels exposed, there’s no darkness covering up how miserable he looks. He notices the way his mother stares at him and protectively keeps him close to her side as they chat with some professors about a future Jaemin doesn’t want to think about.

“Jeno, you look handsome, dear”. She keeps his boyfriend on her left side, pinching his cheek and they both share an amused look. 

The woman doesn’t dare to touch alcohol next to him, Jeno as well. Jaemin is utterly thankful.

“Ah Jaem, you finally got your ear pierced”. She touches the small diamond shining on his lobe, an odd request he made to Jeno one day he didn’t really want to stay home and he accompanied him to make it. 

Jaemin wanted to for long, afraid his father would have had something nasty to say about it, if he did before coming out. A pierced ear is nothing defining his sexuality, yet for a man as ignorant as he is, Jaemin was expecting a few unhappy slurs.

It’s pretty, it compliments his weary long face, it brings some glint he needs.

He’s aware Jeno likes it, making him laugh with his funny brags about having a handsome boyfriend before they left for the night. 

Jaemin feels confident wearing the diamond, his father can’t stop him from genuinely smiling and letting his head fall on Jeno’s shoulder, walking hand in hand with his boyfriend at the party.

Someone is particularly surprised, proud as he lets people widely understand Jeno is not just a friend. Whispering close to the corner of his mouth, lingering kisses when he wants to because he can.

His mild happiness falls, locking eyes with Renjun, the other turning skittishly away. 

They had a fight the previous day, the boy’s anger for not recovering sooner is now aggravated by him losing — having his pendrive stolen by Jisung.

They barely saw the young and tall boy, spotting him next to his parents greeting guests an hour prior. Stealing a few glances at him looking completely out of place and alone. 

Chenle is on his flight back from China, or maybe he has just arrived at the airport and it will take a while to get ready and join them for the rest of the night.

Donghyuck is about to swallow down another drink, a hand around him stopping him as some of the liquid spills out of the glass and on the floor. 

He’s quite dizzy, can’t stand seeing Mr Park smile at everyone and he’s growing impatient not finding a chance to be alone with Jisung to speak. He needs that pendrive, he can see the shape of it forming in Jisung’s pocket.

“Stop it”. Renjun takes the drink away from him, stern look as he roughly cleans the wet suit. 

Donghyuck pushes him, grabbing another glass from one of the trays with a dirty look. “Fuck you, Renjun”.

He trips in his steps, biting his lips at the fizzy taste unhelpful to appease his nerves, one lacquered shoe tapping nervously against the squeaky clean floors. 

Donghyuck ignores Renjun’s watery eyes, shutting his own not standing the sight with another taste of champagne to avoid any regrets. 

Mr Park holds his speech, thanking the guests and by that moment Donghyuck is steading himself with the walls behind him, not sure he’s wasted or just nauseous seeing a man who’s ruining his family, having the time of his life at a stupid party. 

He isn’t going to get what he really wants but the man’s planned revenge is slowly turning them to dust. Jaemin was the first victim of a long series of painful results.

And he’s angry, so angry at Jisung for defending him, for trying to cover everything up. He excuses himself to the bathroom but no one is really listening.

Jeno feels a long press of lips to his cheek, turning with lovely eyes at Jaemin who seems tired, dry lips of a pinker shade and eyes blinking slowly. 

The linking arms he keeps around his middle are asking for support. It is the first time they’re staying outside for this long without taking a break, the room starts heating up with how crowded it is. 

They’re used to being alone, have short walks at the park nearby occasionally. When they both need fresher air, sitting in Jeno’s garden if Jaemin isn’t in a great mood and doesn’t feel like leaving the house.

Jaemin’s knees wobble, Jeno circles his arms around him. “Want to go home?”.

Jaemin shakes his head, everyone busy finding the right people to talk to, share projects and maybe get home with a secured collaboration or a college application for their children that aren’t children anymore. 

“I’m going to the bathroom, get some cold water on my face”.

“Want me to walk you?”.

“No, baby”. 

Jeno is stunned to see Jaemin properly kissing him, albeit it is a simple one and brief for their usual affection, framing his cheeks. 

It means he’s going to be careful. No need to worry, and Jeno won’t. “See you in less than ten minutes”.

Jeno tries to bite back a smile seeing Jaemin slowly disappearing. He looks better, well, for anyone who isn’t him witnessing the worst of it. He’s seen many concerned or shocked faces noticing the known bright and charming Jaemin looking completely disheveled, despite his neat clothes and combed hair.

If Jeno thinks of the cocky smile and flirty words they shared the night everything started, it becomes a huge blur in his head. The day he’ll see that face again he’ll remember, having an odd tug at his chest Jaemin and not even himself are the same boys they were at the start of the school year.

Jeno knows better. He’s caught Renjun staring at Jaemin all night, recognizing the thin frown and nervous biting of his lips. He might be mad at him but he’s worried sick, not surprised as he walks next to him as soon as Jaemin is out of sight.

“We need to talk. Not here”.

“I’m not leaving Jaemin alone”. Renjun looks, for the lack of a better word, lost. Blown eyes, mussed ends of brown hair where he has a mullet, the hold of his tie loosened. 

Unfitting in the high end hotel the event is taking place.

“Less than five minutes. That’s all the time I’m stealing from you”.

_Launching of the Park’s watch line, January 21: 45_

Jaemin walks in the bathroom, hiding behind a wall as he hears two voices arguing louder. 

He can’t allow to be noticed when he recognizes it is Donghyuck and Jisung fighting, peeking to see what’s going on.

It’s freezing and Jaemin’s teeth tremble, his suit too thin for the strong wind without a coat to rescue him. The bathroom’s wide window is opened, letting an icy January air filter through his already prickling skin, small needles of biting cold distracting him from the arguing. 

Jisung takes several steps back as Donghyuck keeps screaming at walking forward. 

Jaemin is worried. He’s seen Donghyuck drinking a lot tonight, that’s why he came all the way here in the men’s toilet watching him speed up from the event earlier. 

He’s wrecked and can’t wait to crash on his bed, he didn’t completely lie to Jeno — he feels terrible about it.

“He fucking ruined our lives!”. Donghyuck screams, thankfully the bathroom stays at another floor.

It isn’t the main one, where most guests go if they need it. This is a second bathroom, distant from where the launching exhibition is unfolding. The building is big and music is left to a fading rumbling under their feet. 

“Give that pen drive to me, Jisung”.

“I can’t, Donghyuck, I-”. Jisung stumbles back, holding tight around the pen drive. 

Jaemin can’t believe he has it with him. Also, he knew it was Jisung stealing it but seeing the boy holding his pendrive in that moment kind of hurts. 

He thought they were friends, and Jisung could trust him to ask without stealing it and taking advantage of his physical state. 

“I promise he won’t hurt you. He won’t hurt Lia, he’s not like that”.

“Do you hear yourself?”. Donghyuck gets closer to the boy, fistful of his button-down and uncontrollably shakes with anger. 

“He’s fucking taking my sister to bed. She’s fourteen years old why can’t you see how fucked up that is!”.

“That’s not my father. I-I don’t know- please”. Jisung flinches with a slap on his face, back pressing dangerously to the open window frame.

Jaemin is about to intervene when Donghyuck, with eyes shut and glossy, tries a last attempt to reach and grab the pen drive. 

Fiercely pushing Jisung retrieving his arm holding the small device in the meanwhile, tripping back.

Jaemin gasps loudly, hand covering his mouth and knees falling on the floor as he hears the dreadful scream Jisung makes, falling from the window. 

Mingling with the scary sound Donghyuck makes, hands grabbing air because the younger has already crashed down with a dull sound, freezing their traumatized bodies.

The only thing Jaemin hears are desperate sobs, ears whistling with panic.

His heart threatens to slip out of his ribcage, hands trembling so much he doesn’t know how strong the pressure around Donghyuck’s shoulders is when he grabs them, watching him completely terrified. Nails digging to his own face and shaking his head repeatedly.

“It was–I didn’t. He”. Donghyuck takes loud gasping breaths. Jaemin hisses feeling a brief pain around his ear hugging the boy to help him up. 

He has to be rational. Just for a moment, just to let him know he believes him. He saw it. 

“It was an accident, Jaemin, an accident I never wanted to-”.

“I believe you”. Jaemin frees the tight trembling fist to take the pen drive from Donghyuck’s hand. Too shocked to say anything else, falling into a scary silence. 

“We need to get out of here. _It was an accident_ , we can’t stay here”.

His phone starts ringing and Jaemin shuts his eyes for a moment as he drags out Donghyuck to the other bathroom. 

Jaemin washes the boy’s red, crying face and tells him to keep it together. 

Someone is going to notice Jisung soon, he feels nauseous at the thought. From the insistent pattern Jeno keeps calling him, he has a feeling they already found him. 

He picks up the call when they’re standing in the corridor. The party is going on lively, happy and chatty, faltering his assumption.

“Hey baby”. 

He’s not sure what to do. If Jeno needs to know and deal with this as well, he can’t give him the terrifying burden. 

Donghyuck keeps shaking next to him, and he squeezes his hand to comfort him as he answers.

“Jaemin, I don’t know how to–”. Jeno makes a heavy sigh, voice broken and dying down.

“Renjun just called an ambulance. Something really bad happened. We need to find Jisung’s family, can you do that for me?”.

Jaemin closes his eyes for a moment as he feels the cold sweat of Donghyuck’s hand, his tight hold blocking his blood’s circulation. 

“What do you mean Jisung’s family, what am I supposed to tell them?”.

Jaemin recognizes Renjun’s voice, probably talking with the paramedics, panicked. 

“I don’t think he’s still breathing. I’m sorry, there’s so much blood and his pulse-”. 

“Jisung? Jeno, who’s not breathing?”.

“Jaemin, please tell me you’re fine”.

“I’m going to look for Jisung’s mother”. Jaemin hangs up, horrified face when he has to interrupt the woman talking with her friends.

_Launching of the Park’s watch line, January, 21: 45_

_outside of the building_

“Donghyuck hates me, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me”. 

Renjun is crying, Jeno unsure of what to do. He didn’t know they were together and he could have read through his texts, none of them told Jeno they were still fooling around. 

He had no idea. Jeno thought it was over when Renjun started going out with Yukhei.

“Are you aware having the pendrive isn’t changing a thing?”. 

Jeno holds his wrist, struggling a bit as Renjun tries to push him away but he eventually falls in his arms, crying his eyes out. 

“I’m sorry, Injun. We should have never involved you. This isn’t something people our age should be dealing with”.

Renjun's frame is small. Seeming fragile but his embrace is so strong and firm.

Jeno for a moment is not used to it, Jaemin’s broad shoulders replaced with some desolated tears ruining his best friend’s makeup. He’s not used to strong grips anymore, his boyfriend has no energy to hold him as he’d like.

“What about Lia? I know she’s smart, but at least Donghyuck can do more than us to fix this. It wasn’t so worthless he found out”.

“But you’re hurting”.

“Of course I am”. Renjun pulls, drying his tears messily. “I’m worried, angry. I can’t stop thinking about Jaemin. I always stress for him because this contributed to get him where he is”.

“Jaemin is healing”. Jeno frowns, dusts off uselessly Renjun’s suit, smooths it where it’s wrinkling. “If you can put aside an ounce of your anger and be there for him, I’m sure he’d be grateful. He misses you”.

The moment Renjun smiles and nods, Jeno's face grimaces into shock and screams something incoherent, voice stuck in his throat as the loud thump against the asphalt a few meters from them has Renjun turn.

His smile falls, legs giving in the moment he comes closer and realizes whose body lies in a forming pool of blood around his head.

“Call an ambulance, shit, Renjun call an ambulance right now!”.

_Launching of the Park’s watches line, January, 22:37_

Jaemin doesn’t remember much. Or at least he convinces himself of it.

He keeps rubbing his eyes, in a futile attempt of forgetting the sight of Jisung laying motionless and out of life on the floor, eyes red and burning with how much he’s crying. His throat constricting in some atrocious sobs.

Jeno is shocked, Jaemin hugs him to his chest, watching the space outside the building crowding with more distraught people and sounds.

The torn scream Jisung’s mother makes is ghastly, his hands pushing Jeno closer to his chest in a futile attempt to spare him those screams, where his heart is pounding at a deranged speed.

Donghyuck is petrified, thankful for Renjun lingering next to him, framing his face and whispering some encouraging words. 

It was an accident, but how on earth are they supposed to move on or pretend he didn’t see it. 

Jaemin’s heart sinks when Chenle arrives, screaming in anger at the parameds who can’t do anything but declare him dead as delicately as possible, looking at him with pity.

Chenle crawls to the lifeless boy, Jaemin crying more as the other frames Jisung’s face and has his clean suit and hands stained with vibrant red blood.

“Jis- baby. No, you can’t”. 

Chenle takes Jisung’s left hand to his cheek, gold ring covered in liquid red, another excruciating sound. 

“We promised we would be forever with each other, you can’t be gone, you can’t leave me”.

His voice is completely broken, fleeble and higher with pain it makes everyone shiver and quiet down.

Jaemin’s view clouds with tears, breath itching and holding almost suffocatingly Jeno who seems to not be letting go of him anytime soon. It hurts, he wants to soothe Chenle but he feels too guilty, too afraid if he pulls from Jeno he’ll faint.

It’s Renjun instead, hugging Chenle as they cover Jisung’s body, all spotting a cop car.

Everyone can figure Jisung didn’t fall himself, he wasn’t even drunk when no one would have made him drink being a minor. He was a happy boy, no one would think it’s suicide, he never left any sign conducting them to consider the possibility.

Jaemin bites his lip seeing a lady in a blue uniform approaching them, where they’re hugging.

“Jeno Lee?”.

He reluctantly detaches from Jaemin, the younger still holding his hand almost desperately, pleading eyes at the cop and she seems to understand.

“It’s me”.

“You called the ambulance with Renjun Huang, right? We’d like to ask you some questions, he told us you directly saw Jisung’s fall”.

Jeno nods, tries to dry his tears and Jaemin squeezes his hand, bottom lip quivering. 

“Don’t worry, you can stay together. It’s just for routine, okay?”.

“Thank you”. Jaemin and Jeno follow the cop where the car is, just lingering there so Jeno can explain what he saw. 

Jeno also mentions he called Jaemin, and he answers most truthfully when he's asked where he was the moment of the call. Jaemin answered when he was back at the party, and with the music and chatter he’s believable as he says he didn’t immediately hear the phone was ringing. 

He says he was with Donghyuck, calling him “A friend” at first, before they ask the full name. Jaemin doesn’t know why he does it, his first instinct is to protect him.

Chenle is shaking, lost following some cops where they suppose the fall might have started. 

He’s not sure where he’s going, his whole world crumbling when he was supposed to spend the night with Jisung. The only thing he can do is wandering, walking until his breath will yield and he’ll find himself sitting somewhere too tired to move.

Cold air hits his face, face sticky with tears and eyes burning when he spots an earring on the floor when he washes his hands, still crying and processing it’s Jisung’s blood he’s cleaning off his wrists. 

Jaemin’s earring. The same one he’s been talking about for more than a year when they were still in fairly good terms, saying he wanted to wear it as soon as he could get his ears pierced. 

Chenle can’t question anything, he looks around and picks the small diamond hiding it in his pocket.

If there’s something he’s deliriously sure of — and no object of him lying where he convinces this is the floor Jisung fell from, is that Jaemin is innocent. 

Jaemin cared about Jisung. Chenle saw how much he cared in the glances he gave him in the rare occasions they spent all together. He could watch their fondness with his own eyes and nothing could have made him push him from a window. 

Without considering his physical state, Jisung wasn’t weak, he could have easily pushed Jaemin away if he was in any danger.

Jisung really liked and cared about Jaemin as well, and Chenle wants to protect him right now. Everything has its cost, and if the older knows something he owes him. 

Chenle deserves a proper answer.

Silence is unbearable and Jaemin hates the way they eventually had to leave and head home. 

They stayed for a long time sitting on the couch, staring so much at the walls Jaemin thinks they could talk; telling him he’s a monster for not speaking. 

He would be one as well if he blames Donghyuck and tells what he saw when it was an accident. 

Jaemin whimpers as his forehead hits Jeno’s shoulder. The other is already crying, framing his face as he feels Jeno’s chin resting on top of his blond and ruined hair. 

Lights are dim in the living room, not enough to hide how broken they look. Things were going approximately well, Jaemin was growing positive they could fix and pick up all the pieces. 

And then, as unexpectedly unfair life is, he lost a friend.

Jaemin believes Donghyuck. If they fought somewhere safer the worst thing the other did was slapping Jisung’s face. Maybe get out of it with some livid jaws, not with a dead body. 

He shivers thinking about how Jisung looked, and Chenle. His stomach turns painfully at the thought of Chenle being dragged from Renjun where he was bending full of blood.

“Nana, your ear”. 

Jeno slides his thumb to Jaemin’s lobe, eyes widening at the crumbs of dried blood in his fingers. The earring, he lost it. 

Jaemin immediately starts heavy breathing before he can think, recalling he felt pain for a moment and Jeno is holding him from panicking. He must have lost it when he dragged Donghyuck out of the bathroom. 

If the cops find his diamond earring, Jaemin is the first person they can accuse.

“Jaemin, breathe with me. Hey”. 

Jeno grabs his face, scared, fingers scanning his face and pressing their foreheads together. 

He shakes his head. He can’t, Jaemin can’t ruin their relationship again. He’s going to rot even more if he keeps it for himself, not fair it has to be Jeno once again.

Jaemin can’t think straight anymore.

“I saw it”. 

He sobs, looking down and his head heavy with the same piercing migraine falls on Jeno’s chest. 

“I saw who pushed Jisung”.

**Author's Note:**

> see you on the next chapter <3
> 
> you can also find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jenlvbug) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)


End file.
